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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP that the maintanance is for MY kids?

68 replies

MyImmortal · 18/04/2009 16:33

I have two children to previous relationship, DP has one to previous relationship.

ALl 3 children live with us.

I receive maintanance from my children's father.

DP refuses to claim maintanance from his ex wife. He says he can't be bothered and doesn't want anything to do with her. I think it's because he thinks if she paid, it would put her on higher ground if they ever went to court.

Thing is, whenever my ex brngs the maintanance, DP has started budgeting for his DD out of it. For instance he will say stuff like "oh, well all the kids need new coats, we'll get them from the mainatance on Friday ... "

But the maintanance is supposed to be for my 2 kids. It's not their fault he refuses to claim for his DD.

I don't begrudge her anything and if she needs something, I will gladly buy it out of my wages or the joint account but I'm sick of him dividing the maintanance into 3.

Am I being petty?

OP posts:

Sorrento · 18/04/2009 22:55

Hmmm well I have my maintenance in a fund which I'm saving in case I need it for private school for DD1 (who is the one being maintained) but if she doesn't need it and DD2 does then she'll be given it. And if none of them need it then I shall spend it on gin and tonic in my old age, or split it three ways and allocate it to all my children.
As far as I am concerned the money is mine to do with as I see fit, purely because if he wasn't paying it, DD1's life would be no different but mine would be worse.

leonifay · 19/04/2009 15:06

jaquelinehyde - i actually agree with sorrento, i dont see the problem is sharing it out within the family. i was just repeting what dh said. he traind in family law.

EightiesChick · 20/04/2009 15:39

I'm a bit unclear about some of your arrangements and more info would be helpful to make a call. I'm not at all knowledgeable about how maintenance stands legally, but in your original post you say 'if it ever went to court'. Has your DP got formal custody of his daughter? What discussions have he and his ex ever had about their responsibilities for her? Does she not know and not want to know, or is he preventing her from getting involved?

Also, your incomes do have some bearing on this for me. The way you put it in the starting post was that you have to wait for maintenance to arrive to buy things like new coats. You also referred to your wages but not to your DP's. So does he work, as well as you, and does he earn more, and if so how much more (proportionally)? Because if his salary is much higher than yours, and he pays for most of the general household costs, I'd be more inclined to let it go. However, if your salaries are not all that different/ he earns less, and you the OP contribute equally or more of the household income, then it seems unfair to me that your 2 kids' maintenance pays for stuff for all 3. Of course you aren't going to let her go without - but HE should be facing the situation with his ex and not sticking his head in the sand. He may not want anything to do with her, but surely it's best for everyone to actually come to some agreement over this, rather than let it drift on?

Jux · 07/05/2009 21:45

You're a family. All people are equal - or are some more equal than others? Is your step daughter less important than your own kids? Are you the wicked stepmother out of fairy tales. Are your kids the ugly sisters who get everything they want, while poor Cinders wishes she could go to the ball?

It won't do them any good you know. And your SD will marry a prince and live happily ever after.

mumeeee · 07/05/2009 22:42

YABU. You are a family and money should be shared equally between all your children.

julesrose · 08/05/2009 04:52

share nicely

Baisey · 08/05/2009 09:20

Why dont you just use the maintenance money to pay bills and then any other expenditures ie clothes, shoes, etc can be bought out of wages and it wont be a problem then

NewTeacher · 08/05/2009 10:07

Your ex partner pays the maintenance for his own children not the children of your current partner.

How would he feel if he knew his own kids got less because his money was subsidising another child?

I think our current DP is being unfair on you and his own child. His XP should be contributing to her own daughter not your XP.

Your current partner needs to sort this out.

Jux · 08/05/2009 16:56

Your current partner is trying not to rock the boat vis a vis the living arrangements of his own child. Sounds like he's scared that if he starts asking her for money then she might go for custody.

Is the dosh really so important to you that you would risk that happening to him?

Karam · 08/05/2009 17:19

Sorry but yes, I think it should be shared if you are a family, otherwise it just becomes petty.

If you keep that maintenance money solely for the children, then I trust you do not take a single penny off your partner then? After all, he has got his own DD to raise and you would be depriving her? Also, I would trust that you also pay 3/5 of all bills - given that there are 3 of you in your 'family', and only two in his.

That said, I don't think it should be used to buy the other DD a school coat, or pay for a school trip or anything - but rather feel this money ought to go into the family pot of raising your 2DDs. After all, I'm sure this money would easily be spent by 2/5 of the food budget each month, 2/5 of the electricity costs, 2/5 of all household bills and so on. Use his money for that and find money for the treats from elsewhere.

anniemac · 08/05/2009 17:21

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anniemac · 08/05/2009 17:23

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silverfrog · 08/05/2009 17:29

what would you do if he claimed maintenance for his dd, and she got a lot more (or less) than you get for your two?

would she get better/cheaper clothes etc because that is how it is, or would all 3 lots be split evenly, according to need?

because if it would all be split if there were money, then yabu to not want to split a lesser amount.

BUT i can see how it would be irritating to have your dp "claiming" the maintenance, as though it is his right to do so.

mayorquimby · 08/05/2009 18:01

so presumably the op then pays for 3/5 of the shopping,electricity,gas and mortgage if she wants seperate finances.

twopeople · 08/05/2009 18:27

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twopeople · 08/05/2009 18:28

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Dragonrider · 08/05/2009 19:08

I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if I missed something.
I feel like you're being a bit mean. I can see your logic, but looking at it from a child's point of view I could imagine it could be very upsetting. His child might (if you're not careful) end up thinking that they are not 'special' enough to deserve the things that the support gets your children. I can imagine they could come to resent you / your children who get the new things if they had to wait longer or wear an old one. I don't think a child would understand the logic, especially if they're brough up as siblings. IMO if the children live together they should be treated as siblings, otherwise you risk some serious upset.
But I can understand why you would want to keep it to your children.

YesSirICanBoogie · 08/05/2009 21:13

The presumption would annoy me. In theory, the money is for your children however unlikely this is in reality.
But, I think it does depend on how much each person puts into the pot. If your DP is looking for an easy ride by not claiming his own child support but expecting to spend some of yours while not contributing as much as you to the household then you have every right to be annoyed.

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