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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with my 11 year old's rude remarks about me (in company), + cancel her day out she was promised?

56 replies

onthepier · 18/04/2009 10:50

We've been away twice in the last month, once staying with family + then on a long weekend away with friends. Both lovely weekends by the way!

The main problem is my dd who's 11. Now by my own admission I'm not a small person, (weight problems seem to dominate the females in our family)! I'm not exactly fat, but fairly large framed + have put weight on since having children. It's coming off (very slowly!), + I'm making an effort to lose it.

Her comments which are becoming more frequent, are really starting to grate, especially when we're with people. Comments like:-

"I don't want Mum sitting next to me in the car, she squashes me!"

"I saw a programme about liposuction, why don't you have that?"

"You should let my mum borrow your Wii Fit, she might lose some weight!"

Now at home I could prob laugh off these comments, but in front of friends/family they really hurt. They laugh awkwardly, not knowing what to say, (understandably).

When we got home I told her how upset this made me feel + she shrugged it off, refusing to apologise. AIBU in cancelling a day out we'd promised her tomorrow, while her nan looks after her much younger brother?

I think it's just the lack of respect that's getting to me, as the majority of the time she's good company and we have lovely times together.

OP posts:

diedandgonetodevon · 18/04/2009 10:52

From another angle, could it be that she is worried about your health?

diedandgonetodevon · 18/04/2009 10:53

Should have added YANBU to be upset by it

ZoeC · 18/04/2009 10:53

She's being rude, would you accept her making comments like that about other people? She cannot make personal, nasty comments about people whether related, friends or not and I guess here is where she starts learning that.

She needs to understand she has hurt your feelings and shown no respect, and so I absolutely think you are justified in cancelling a treat for that behaviour.

Molesworth · 18/04/2009 10:53

YANBU! She needs to learn that that sort of disrespectful behaviour is unacceptable

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 18/04/2009 10:58

I think in view of a lack of apology I would cancel the day.

SerendipitousHarlot · 18/04/2009 10:58

Definitely NBU. I wouldn't take that from my dd, and she's 11 too. It's rude and disrespectful, and you were right to cancel the treat.

piratecat · 18/04/2009 11:00

Have you discussed with her that her comments arenot acceptable, when she has previously made them.

You need to be firmer and say it's not acceptable.

duchesse · 18/04/2009 11:06

They all seem to go through a hypercriticial phase at about this age- at least mine have done. My current 11 yr old insists on deconstructing everything I say and pointing out the inconsistencies, my son at 11 used to coach me in how to do everything that I do better than I was doing it (including cooking), and my older daughter at 11 refused to be seen in town with me.

You don't have to tolerate it- it is unreasonable behaviour on their part, but how you deal with it will have to be situation dependent I think. Humour may be a better line of approach for all your sakes...

Sassybeast · 18/04/2009 11:08

I'm not sure that an 11 year old can be 'disrepectful' about weight tbh. She's learning that being overweight is bad for your health and she's just being honest about wishing you would lose the extra weight ? I think that rather than punishing her, perhaps acknowledge her concerns and ask her for help. Why not borrow the Wii and do some stuff together ? She wants her mum to be around for a long time - it's not something to punish her for surely ?

MagNacarta · 18/04/2009 11:10

Agree with duchesse, humour is the way to go - when my dc's tell me I embarrass them I just tell them it's part of my job, that my parents did it to me and they will do it to their dc's.

Tryharder · 18/04/2009 11:18

Disagree with comments that the OP's daughter is not disrespectful and only concerned about the OP - as if the OP is about to pop her clogs anyday now due to being hugely obese

Being a bit overweight or even a bit fat does not mean that you have to put up with rudeness disguised as "concern". It really tees me off that nastiness against fat or overweight people is seen as acceptable in our society.

I am, of course, extremely lithe and slender

ahundredtimes · 18/04/2009 11:31

Agree with duchesse. Don't cancel the trip - do the trip, use it as in opportunity to discuss it. I think in the long run you'll be making it worse by punishing her for saying you are fat.

I'd be more inclined to say it out loud. I'd absolutely say, 'when you say things like that it's mean, it's mean to make remarks about anybody's appearance. I'm guessing that you are embarrassed by me being overweight? I'm not embarrassed by it, it's the way I'm made. I'm okay with who and how I am, so you should be too. I think it's nasty to say things like that in front of people, because you make other people feel uncomfortable. I'm okay with how I am, you need to catch up and be okay with it too. So drop it. Are you cross with me about something? Because if you are say what it is - stop it with snide remarks, they are beneath you and me.'

I'd do that rather than 'oh it upsets me' line.

Tinker · 18/04/2009 11:40

I agree with duchesse and those who also agree with her. I think 11+ years can be quite difficult for mother/daughter relationships - all sorts of things going on about their burgeoning concerns about their own appearance being transferred to noticing yours. Comparing how you look/are to how their friends' mums look and are. All part of the transfer of teh younger generation growing up and their developng sexuality and becoming the Alpha females (maybe?)

Agree that you must point out it is wrong and that she comes across as nasty and mean. But I also agree with teh tactic that you're her mother, it's your job to embarrass her. It's still hurtful though.

violethill · 18/04/2009 11:43

I think you would be justified in cancelling the trip if you choose. But the most important thing is to say what ahundredtimes says - she's spot on.
Confront her with exactly what she is doing. Make her realise that not only is it unacceptable to behave like that, but that actually she's only going to end up making herself look stupid.

independiente · 18/04/2009 11:52

Totally agree with ahundredtimes - that's definitely the best way to approach it IMO. Sometimes things need to be spelt out calmly but firmly, and with total authority, otherwise they become festering sores that never get resolved.

valleysprincess · 18/04/2009 16:24

YANBU. Cancel her day out. She needs to learn where the boundaries of good behaviour are

MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 16:26

I think your daughter needs to learn some respect and there are ways of saying things if she is genuineyly worried about you.

TheCrackFox · 18/04/2009 16:37

I wouldn't cancel the day out, I would tell her it was genetic.

dittany · 18/04/2009 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mercy · 18/04/2009 16:42

Agree with Tinker's post.

I remember being quite horrible to my mum at around that age

JeanPoole · 18/04/2009 16:42

yanbu.
let her see how much shes upset you.
next time cry and she will feel bad.

June2009 · 18/04/2009 16:47

I would be tempted to try and explain that no-one is perfect actually and ask her to think how would she would feel if I/someone started pointed her flaws in front of everybody.
You'd have to be very tactful in order to not be detrimental to her self confidence in the long term. can you tell I have not got children yet.

pointydog · 18/04/2009 16:48

I'd be livid at that sort of rudeness in public.

I'd speak to her again first, explaining how you feel, how you cannot go on being put down in public in that way and that you expect her to stop.

Go on the trip - it might be great.

Next time, she does it in public, I'd just pack up and leave either with her or without her, depending on where you are.

saint2shoes · 18/04/2009 17:06

yanbu, she is being rude and hurtful. 11 is a hard ange as theya re on the brink of the next stage, but imo there is no excuse for neing so hurtful, could you not burst into tears?

Stayingsunnygirl · 18/04/2009 17:09

I am very overweight, and very depressed by this, and my 11-year-old tells me off when I put myself down, and tells me how lovely he thinks I am.

Your dd needs to learn how hurtful personal comments can be - YANBU either to be upset or to cancel the day out.

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