to be upset with my 11 year old's rude remarks about me (in company), + cancel her day out she was promised?

[onthepier]

We've been away twice in the last month, once staying with family + then on a long weekend away with friends. Both lovely weekends by the way!

The main problem is my dd who's 11. Now by my own admission I'm not a small person, (weight problems seem to dominate the females in our family)! I'm not exactly fat, but fairly large framed + have put weight on since having children. It's coming off (very slowly!), + I'm making an effort to lose it.

Her comments which are becoming more frequent, are really starting to grate, especially when we're with people. Comments like:-

"I don't want Mum sitting next to me in the car, she squashes me!"

"I saw a programme about liposuction, why don't you have that?"

"You should let my mum borrow your Wii Fit, she might lose some weight!"

Now at home I could prob laugh off these comments, but in front of friends/family they really hurt. They laugh awkwardly, not knowing what to say, (understandably).

When we got home I told her how upset this made me feel + she shrugged it off, refusing to apologise. AIBU in cancelling a day out we'd promised her tomorrow, while her nan looks after her much younger brother?

I think it's just the lack of respect that's getting to me, as the majority of the time she's good company and we have lovely times together.

Teenage girls are horrible-to eachother/their mothers- they just havbe this mass of hormones racing round-mine was heejous for about a year and she still has her moments...
i can't abide cheeky children and mine was actually taking the piss out of me in an unkind way.i explained to her repeatedly that i didn't like it and when she didn't pack it in after a few warnings whenever she did it i used to say 'kates must be overtired again so she's showing off'and take her home from wherever we were and sent her to bed. she soon stopped.

My dd behaved herself very well today while we were out, I think she's beginning to understand the hurt her remarks can cause.

She's not like this towards other people though. Her school teacher's comments on her end of term report were, "kind, thoughtful, caring, sensitive to others etc,"

All her teachers have described her like this + when I see her at school + with her friends, she's a different child!

While I'm thrilled that she's so well liked at school, I'd just like her to show that side of herself at home more!

Anyway, we had a nice day today.

Glad you had a nice day .

I have no experience of 11 year olds - excepet for remembering being one. While I think it right and fair that you be very clear that making personal comments is rude and not acceptable, I wonder if she is projecting some anxiety? Especially sonce she is pbviously a happy and well behaved child in other ways and to other people.

11 is a really funny age for girls. Puberty is boiling up, they are still a child but knowing that they will be a young woman very soon - and she clearly knows that body issues will become body issues as soon as she is old enough. I was horrible to my Mum in my young tens, because I hated the htought of what i was to become...and so hated it in my Mum by proxy, iyswim. Of course once I WAS a proper young teenager, I was OK with it, but as an 11 yo, you can't always anticipate that you will feel OK about breasts, periods, womanly shape etc etc.

I am sure you do make lots of time for her to approach you and chat in private moments..

onthepier glad it went well today

sleepless in stretford - will use the' A must be tired' one thankyou

Funny I was just thinking about writing something along the lines of what Blu wrote before I got to the end of the thread. As in, maybe she's feeling a bit insecure?

11 is a horrible age for comparing yourself to your peers! Personally I think kids can get hyper critical of their parents at that age as a reflection of their own feelings of insecurity in comparing themselves to their peers. How big their friends' houses are, the clothes they wear, what their parents are like, etc... I remember I had a friend whose mum had lots of glam outfits and sexy undies (we loved to root around in her wardrobe and dress up!) and I remember feeling inferior/disappointed because my mum wore sloggis and trackie bottoms! I never said "Why don't you tidy yourself up a bit mum?" but I could have, the cheeky madam I was, lol!

Maybe you could try a chat about how important/not important your physical appearance is and how much more important it is to value yourself for who you are (and others too) and that slim or rich or whatever does not equal happy?

I don't know. I think you need to have a talk with her.
Many people much older than your DD do this to their nearest and dearest thinking it will make the person lose weight.
There is so much hype now about obesity that your DD might be very worried for your health