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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my 11 year old's rude remarks about me (in company), + cancel her day out she was promised?

56 replies

onthepier · 18/04/2009 10:50

We've been away twice in the last month, once staying with family + then on a long weekend away with friends. Both lovely weekends by the way!

The main problem is my dd who's 11. Now by my own admission I'm not a small person, (weight problems seem to dominate the females in our family)! I'm not exactly fat, but fairly large framed + have put weight on since having children. It's coming off (very slowly!), + I'm making an effort to lose it.

Her comments which are becoming more frequent, are really starting to grate, especially when we're with people. Comments like:-

"I don't want Mum sitting next to me in the car, she squashes me!"

"I saw a programme about liposuction, why don't you have that?"

"You should let my mum borrow your Wii Fit, she might lose some weight!"

Now at home I could prob laugh off these comments, but in front of friends/family they really hurt. They laugh awkwardly, not knowing what to say, (understandably).

When we got home I told her how upset this made me feel + she shrugged it off, refusing to apologise. AIBU in cancelling a day out we'd promised her tomorrow, while her nan looks after her much younger brother?

I think it's just the lack of respect that's getting to me, as the majority of the time she's good company and we have lovely times together.

OP posts:
LongDroopyBoobyLady · 18/04/2009 17:11

I would have told her off in front of friends/family as soon as she had made the comments and warned her if she continued to be so rude I would be cancelling her day.

everGreensleeves · 18/04/2009 17:12

No I couldn't tell June, it was a perfectly sensible answer

I would go for sitting her down and having a serious talk about hurting people. I think at this age they discover that they can be controversial/witty/bolshie using words, and they experiment with this and can stray into extremes without meaning to. I remember doing something similar to my mother when I was about 9 - she was telling her friends about her diet and how well she had done sticking to it, and I chipped in "yeah, tell them about all the biscuit wrappers under your bed" or something equally awful. I thought it was funny and that I was being witty in an adult way. My mother was bloody furious. My mother was a fairly violent and irrational person so I didn't learn anything from it at the time apart from "shut your fucking mouth or else, I'm still bigger than you and can squash you like a bug"

if you can use this opportunity to explain to her that with the extra maturity etc of being 11/secondary school age comes the responsibility to choose your words, notice other people's feelings and think before she speaks, she might learn something useful from it.

I wouldn't cancel the trip, but I might explain that if she continued to treat me like that I might not feel like being with her in public very much, which could jeopardize future trips.

Mutt · 18/04/2009 17:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosieeo · 18/04/2009 21:40

LOL @ TheCrackFox

YANBU. She is being rude. Tell her you don't want to embarrass her and so you have decided to cancel the day out. Then add the genetic crack (geddit?)

Rosieeo · 18/04/2009 21:42

God, sorry. Wone after none for ages.

Rosieeo · 18/04/2009 21:42

WINE. Arggg.

OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 21:44

What would you do if you were a smoker and she made comments about that?

Don't punish her because you are upset. Talk to her about it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/04/2009 21:51

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abbierhodes · 18/04/2009 21:55

I can't believe some people are sticking up for this child.
This is incredibly rude, and refusing to apologise is extremely disrespectful.
I would punish her.
Those of you saying the OP should talk to her and explain that these comments hurt...she has!
Your DD needs to learn boundaries, and quick. 11 is perfectly old enough to understand.

chegirl · 18/04/2009 22:01

She is being very rude and disrespectful
It needs to stop
She needs to be told that the things she are saying are NOT funny and are hurtful.
If it were me I would tell her that there will be real consquences if she makes personal comments again.

Girls can be horrible at this age. Stuff flies out of their mouth before they can stop themselves. They often know they shouldnt say it but they just cant help themselves. I reckon it starts about 8 and calms down about 12 (just before the teens kick in).

Thats why they need help controling their gobs.

LtEveDallas · 18/04/2009 22:02

I dont think you can cancel the day out UNLESS you had already warned her that would be a consequence of her behaviour.....

If you just told her how you feel, I would 'save' it till you could use it later "you know how those kind of remarks make me feel.....if you say any more we wont do xxxx"

BUT I do think you need to make her certain of how you feel - how upset and embarassed you are by her - lay it on think so she is in no doubt.

Overwieght or not is not the issue - she should show you respect. Now I'm a bitch and would be tempted to pick on one of her faults so she knows how it feels "well actually I'm so ashamed by those HUGE spots on your forehead - how can you go out looking like that" - but I'm a bitch and I'm sure you're not! However I do think she really needs to know how upset by this you are.

OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 22:03

No. Sorry. 11yrs old is a child. Grown-ups need to apologise if they offend, children need to learn to do so. If a child doesn't understand it isn't their fault.

Adults need to help children understand about the difference between truth and causing offence.

ScummyMummy · 18/04/2009 22:08

Agree with duchesse and tinker.

chegirl · 18/04/2009 22:09

I really think an 11 year old is capable of understanding that her comments are offensive.

If she were 4 it would be different.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/04/2009 22:09

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RumourOfAHurricane · 18/04/2009 22:10

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OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 22:14

Time for bollocking only if she's been taught to care about other people's feelings? I think (hope) that my DC won't be hurtful at that age (DS# 1 wasn't and DD's 10 now and is a kind soul) but is that because I have made a big deal about considering the feelings of others?

If she is unkind to the OP, I'd want to have a serious word with her before punishing her.

SuziSeis · 18/04/2009 22:16

forget WHAT the rude comments were about

they are a different issue and imo and sadly IME what is the issue here is the lack of respect

Yes cancel day out absolutely

I went through this and still get hints of it with DD. Nasty behaviour when we had friends - feigning ignorance of the bad behaviour after

My eyes stinging with upset and anger at her surliness

the weight issue can be addressed BUT at 11 she is your child and should show respect. Nip it in the bud - cancel the day out. I ended up walking on eggshells with my daughter before once again taking hold of the parental reigns and re gaining her respect...

do it now as 11 is the beginning of a slippery slope

best of luck

MollieO · 18/04/2009 22:18

I reckon an 11 yr old is old enough to understand the impact of the remarks she makes. I would use the day out as a means of talking about it. If her school friends said something similar she would be hurt and upset by it and she knows it isn't acceptable behaviour.

Contrast my 4 yr old yelling at the top of his voice in the park today - 'Mum buck your ideas up'. It would have been quite funny but it sounded like f* and I got a lot of weird looks from other parents. I couldn't really explain that I'd used that phrase a couple of months ago when I was asking my ds to think about his behaviour!

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/04/2009 22:18

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Plonker · 18/04/2009 22:24

at TheCrackFox

OP - YANBU. Your dd has been rude and hurtful. I like 100x way of dealing with it.

I would cancel her day out actually - why should you 'treat' her if she can't be respectful to you ...she should certainly have apologised!! At 11yo she knows full well that what she has said is personal and nasty and she should know better.

Original poster
onthepier · 19/04/2009 11:11

Thanks for all your posts! I've cancelled my dd's day out with friends, but we're just going to the park + cafe as a family. She's under strict orders to behave!

My dh has had a word with her too. I'm realising that often she literally just says what comes into her mind, + she needs to learn that this isn't acceptable. Obviously she's noticing that I'm not as slim as family friends of ours, + some of her friends' mums.

I do get a lot of exercise though, she's scooting to the park today, (about a mile), + we'll be running along with her complete with her younger ds on his toddler bike. When school runs start again next week I'll be doing the mile long return trips to her school twice a day, inc. the half mile nursery run at lunch times.

Hopefully my weight will continue to drop,(it helps that the kids have almost finished their easter eggs now, less temptation for me)!

Still haven't had an apology from my dd, but I think she's realising that her constant comments hurt.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 19/04/2009 11:24

YANBU but it is very normal. I read that it is the age where kids realise they are far from perfect and so are their parents, so they point out these imperfections. YANBU though and she has to learn that she cannot say anything mean aloud, she wouldn't like it if someone said somthing hurtful to her.

edam · 19/04/2009 11:29

Think your solution is great, cancelling the day out but replacing it with a smaller treat and dh having a word.

But if she does it again, do crack down, immediately.

OrmIrian · 19/04/2009 17:59

Could they possibly be poor and misguided attempts at humour? A sort of try for teasing. Our DC's tease DH about his bald head - he takes it in good part mostly - but it could be misinterpreted as hurtful.

Is she normally a bit unkind?

shine - my DCs don't not do it because I'd take a dim view of it. They don't do it because generally they prefer not to be hurtful.

Aaannyhoo. It's sorted out now. I hope you manage to have good chat to her about all this.