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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to show concern or should i just butt out?

61 replies

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 19:20

I probably am bu actually.
My sister got pg on a one night stand on purpose, all she has wanted all her life is a baby, well now she has one.
Shes never been the most mentally stable person and is regulary in counciling and on medication. I have put up with her for a long long time, but eventually when she got pg on purpose, then threatened to come to my house and tear me to shreds when i didnt congratulate her, i cut all contact with her.
She had her baby by c section 3 weeks ago. She has no where to live, and is dossing on a mates sofa and has done for years with no intention of moving. I did sent the baby some presents with my dad and i did get a text back. Ive been checking on her face book and shes posting about being drunk the whole time, drinkiing pints, going out and 'being naughty' etc...... walking for miles and not eating. She is breast feeding.
I am concerned about this and spoke to my dad ( who up until a few weeks ago i had no contact with either) He has spoken to her and as usual she has gone off on one, he told her it was me that told him and now shes posting on her facebook that i need to get a life and im a jealous cow and all her friends are agreeing, laughing and telling her they will get her drunk.
Facebook is the spawn of the devil, i already know that, and i know i should just butt out, but im so concerned for that baby.
AIBU to be concerned, and should i just forgett about it totally?
( already thinking the answer is yes)

OP posts:

nancy75 · 17/04/2009 19:22

if you really think she is doing all this stuff rather than making it up to show off on face book i would contact social services about how the baby is being cared for

Kay4MattTTC · 17/04/2009 19:23

YANBU. if i was you then i would phone social services on her because she sounds like an unfit mother to me.

Sorrento · 17/04/2009 19:25

What do your parents say/think ?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 17/04/2009 19:25

I think if anyone is genuinely concerned for the safety of a baby, then they have an obligation to report those concerns.

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 19:26

i know she is doing that stuff - worse is she actually had to have a c section 3 weeks early as she had terrible kidney problems and she has an appt soon to see a consultant about it as it is serious. So she should not be drinking at all really should she.
I know a glass of wine is ok when bf, but not pints or bottle of wine a night. AND shes passing it all onto the baby. It makes me want to cry for that child.

OP posts:

MuffinBaker · 17/04/2009 19:26

You owe it to your niece to do the right thing.....

raindroprhyme · 17/04/2009 19:29

phone social services she obviously needs some support and it doesn't sound like she is going to let you or your dad give her any.

be prepared to continue to be the spawn of the devil but you really can't not do anything for the sake of your neice/nephew

MIAonline · 17/04/2009 19:30

You really have no choice, I agree with everyone else.
Sorry for you that you are having to go through this.

Sorrento · 17/04/2009 19:34

People put all sorts of rubbish on faceook, have you any evidence of this ? Social services won't take you seriously without some facts to back this up I wouldn't have thought, she must have a health visitor who would make any necessary referrals.
Hearsay on a social networking site is just not enough.

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 19:34

i was hoping that the baby she wanted so much would straighen her out a bit. A lot of her friends are heavy drinkers, some are alacholics and some take hard drugs while pg. Shes a nurse on a mental health ward so should know better. Im sick of family making excuses for her. Its not just her life she is messing up. She says im a judgemental cow, which im not denying, sometimes i am, but there has got to be some level hasnt there? and drinking like that so shortly after having a baby, on her own without even her own bed to lie in cannot be good.
All her stupid friends are now posting messages saying how wonderful the baby is and how they can all her her auntie and that my sister is a wonderful mum.
what if its just me? should i just not care?

OP posts:

Homebird8 · 17/04/2009 19:35

If you don't want to go directly to social services, try the NSPCC.

noonki · 17/04/2009 19:37

I think you really do need to phone social services. It may all be bravado, but it is very strange bravado as most people would be trying to hide that sort of behaviour.

Especially if she has had prior mental health problems she may be having more (pnd is far more common in people that have had previous bad episodes)

I would do it annoymously as it isl ikely she will be increadibly upset and it could mean the end of any future relationship you hve.

Kay4MattTTC · 17/04/2009 19:38

i would go round and see her and see for yourself how she is coping? what she is doing? where she is living? check how the baby is. then if you still think it is bad. then as i said before phone social services.

Gentle · 17/04/2009 19:39

You are right to be concerned about the baby.

Mental illness, homelessness, and sleeping on a sofa 3 weeks after having a baby? And then bragging about partying on Facebook? It all sounds very ill to me. Could you support your dn by offering some support to your sister? I expect you probably have in the past, and believe me I know how it feels to have a sibling pull constant blinders, but this does sound like a very sad case.

junglist1 · 17/04/2009 19:45

I think as you say she's had mental health issues previously, she needs help. She might be all lighthearted about it but unless her issues are dealt with drink may be hard to resist, especially if her so called friends are encouraging it.
Call the NSPCC for advice in the first instance, as the above poster suggested. Does anyone know how she actually relates to the baby, cuddles, babytalk etc, or is she being distant or cold. This would also be a factor in going down the social services route, find out if you can

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 19:46

she lives about 3 hours drive away.
Ive not spoken to her for almost a year. I dont want to speak to her again, i have enough to do im my own life without dealing with her ( ive tried to help her so many many times over the years and really i have nothing left to give. ) She is the person she is and having a baby wont have changed that.
Im going to have to do somthing as icant stand by and watch it happen but i wish i didnt have to and i sort of hoped i would be told to stop judging and mind my own business. But there is no way that what she is doing is ok is there?

OP posts:

Gentle · 17/04/2009 19:49

shoptilidrop, only you can really be the judge of whether it's straight to social services, or whether there is something you can do to intervene yourself first.

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 19:53

What are you most concerned about? The fact that she's drinking? Could she be expressing or mixed feeding?

Or could it be that she's drunk on one pint?

Plenty of mumsnetters drink while pregnant/breastfeeding and no one phones social services on them.

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 19:58

chequers -
im concerned that shes drinking 6 pints and bottles of wine everynight.
Im concerned that that is an awful lot if you are breastfeeing.
Im concerned as she is on her own and its not really good to be drunk night after night and in sole charge of a 3 week old baby.
Im concerned as she doesnt have anywhere to live ( although that is not as worring as the other points)

OP posts:

MIAonline · 17/04/2009 20:02

Getting social services involved need to be as negative as it is often made out to be (or can be) and if they do their job well, they will provide your sister with support and your niece with a safety net if the situation is as bad as you think.

Too many times people all sit back and wait for the problem to occur, rather than seeing a problem situation and dealing with it.

MIAonline · 17/04/2009 20:03

Sorry that should say, getting social services involved need not be as negative..

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 20:05

how do you know that she's drinking 6 pints and a bottle of wine every night?
how do you know she is on her own and in sole charge on the baby (you said she's staying with a friend)?
how do you know this stuff if you haven't seen her for three years?

I'm not saying it's not happening, I'm asking how you know?

It all may well be true, or it may be a case of inflated rubbish on facebook. You haven't seen her for, what? 8, 9 months?

Are you sure? Really?

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 20:07

Sorry, 8/9 months, not three years, don't know where I got that from

Sorrento · 17/04/2009 20:10

the worry is if you phone social services with no evidence, loose your creditability and then they don't believe you if something does go wrong. I cannot understand how she is just sleeping on a mates sofa, the midwife would have been to the house and would be supporting her to find a home with the child or be perfectly happy that your sister is fine.

I wonder sometimes if poor old social services don't have a special name for mumsnet, they seem to be demanded they leap into action regularly.

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 20:24

chequers - i dont know 100%, but im pretty sure., and thats enough of a worry.
Yes she is staying with a friend, who is an alacholic and voilent and last year both of them eneded up being arrested and thrown in prision overnight.
I sadly doing think its over inflated facebook rubbish.
Ive spoken to my dad again and he is going to drive down and see her in the next few days. he said if nothing changes he will speak to nspcc himself.
I used to work in social services myself actually, so im well aware that there are far bigger problems than this, and if you notice, i did not at first mention about calling them.
I do feel however that i need to do something, its not just her life. I Think she needs a lot of help.

OP posts:

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