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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to show concern or should i just butt out?

61 replies

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 19:20

I probably am bu actually.
My sister got pg on a one night stand on purpose, all she has wanted all her life is a baby, well now she has one.
Shes never been the most mentally stable person and is regulary in counciling and on medication. I have put up with her for a long long time, but eventually when she got pg on purpose, then threatened to come to my house and tear me to shreds when i didnt congratulate her, i cut all contact with her.
She had her baby by c section 3 weeks ago. She has no where to live, and is dossing on a mates sofa and has done for years with no intention of moving. I did sent the baby some presents with my dad and i did get a text back. Ive been checking on her face book and shes posting about being drunk the whole time, drinkiing pints, going out and 'being naughty' etc...... walking for miles and not eating. She is breast feeding.
I am concerned about this and spoke to my dad ( who up until a few weeks ago i had no contact with either) He has spoken to her and as usual she has gone off on one, he told her it was me that told him and now shes posting on her facebook that i need to get a life and im a jealous cow and all her friends are agreeing, laughing and telling her they will get her drunk.
Facebook is the spawn of the devil, i already know that, and i know i should just butt out, but im so concerned for that baby.
AIBU to be concerned, and should i just forgett about it totally?
( already thinking the answer is yes)

OP posts:

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 20:31

If it's true I think she does need more support too.

It's a shame that circumstances meant you haven't been able to support her so far.

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 20:38

chequers, ive tried supporting her over the years, ive done the hand holding, listening, tried being tough, tried being no nosense, tried talking to her hours and day everyday, tried not talking to her at all.
All family memebers have.
Nothing helps at all.
She has got a problem that cant really be sorted by other people, she really needs to sort it herself.
I/we were all hoping that the baby might just shock her into sorting herself out finally. She got pg on purpose on a one night stand. Shes wanted a baby for years and years. At one point she was so obsessive about my daughter i was concerned about leaving her alone with her. I wish i was exaggerating about this, but im not, and several family members voiced there concerns to me too.
I just dont know what to do any more, my concern is for the health and safety of that little baby, to be honest, sadly i dont much care of that of my sister anymore.

OP posts:

Gentle · 17/04/2009 20:49

Sorrento I think you could be right - Social Services probably consider Mumsnet to be perpetually "in reception!"

Shoptilidrop, I'm not suggesting that you haven't supported your sister, or that you are not right to be concerned. It's just hard for me to understand how there can be a 3 week old baby within the family that people aren't rallying round for simply because the mother needs to "sort it herself." I appreciate that she's probably rejected help and tired you out many, many times before, but this is the first time a baby's been in the picture, am I right?

I'm sorry if that's hard to hear, I know it probably will be.

MuffinBaker · 17/04/2009 20:53

you have concerns

do something about it

don't wait until it is too late

MIAonline · 17/04/2009 21:23

I disagree with you sorrento:
'the worry is if you phone social services with no evidence, loose your creditability and then they don't believe you if something does go wrong'

IMO, that is not true. The OP's sister will at least be on the radar. It is not about one specific incident, rather a build up of less than ideal situations that taken as a whole can leave the very young baby in a vulnerable position. It is not about believing or disbelieving, they will see for themselves the situation and assess what, if any, support is needed.

MIAonline · 17/04/2009 21:27

And if I am jumping on a MN bandwagon (that I didn't know existed) then I would rather have it that way than sit back and do nothing. There are cases everyday where people sit back and do nothing, with horrendous consequences. Social services get slated all the time, but they are able to offer support and isn't this something that the Op's sister clearly needs.

Sorrento · 17/04/2009 21:28

You can cry wolf too often, if somebody goes around without any hard evidence, purely on the basis of a facebook profile and I find it hard to believe they'd act on that anyway and the sister lies her way out of it, which happens, why would they listen to her again ?

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 21:34

In the nicest possible way, are you sure you aren't exaggerating any of this in your mind? You sound very down on your sister.

As someone else has already said the m/w will have been to her home - so should her HV. I'm not saying that the authorities don't make mistakes, that does happen sometimes. But if she is homeless and sleeping on someone's sofa I would imagine that the authorities do already know about this.

MIAonline · 17/04/2009 21:35

Cry wolf [Hmmm]

What would you be waiting for until you got in touch with SS in this situation?

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 21:38

Mia - i do agree with you there, i also knew nothing about a mn bandwagon, and ive been on a a few years now.
Gentle - you can say that if you want. Truth is it is very very difficult to offer support/help to someone who doesnt want it. If anyone says anything slightly different to what she wants to hear she either verbally abuses/stalks them or threatens violence. last time i had such a threat i really believed she would do it, i raced home from work early collected my child and dog and stayed the night at a friends. I was scared for my own safety. She is like this with everyone. Its also very difficult when everyone physically lives so far away. There is a baby involved which is exacally why i am so concerned, and i know she will not even listen to family, so i think she needs outside help. I cant help, so i think i should find someone that can. The crux of the matter is she has mental health issues, so no amount of rallying about will help. Its a bigger problem than that.

OP posts:

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 21:45

Yes chequers, im making it all up as i have nothing else to do.
I dont have my own problems to sort out at all and could really do with all the extra worry at the momment.

Of course im not exaggerating any of it! The sad fact is that our family is shit, she has noone looking out for her at all, and noone really cares all that much below surface level. I cant help her on my own. If other family memebers gave a poo they would have tried more to help her. I am down on her, she is a shocking mess and you really dont know the half of it. Once she said she was going to steal my child as she didnt like the fact that i was spending time with my brothers and sister, and these were her brothers and sisters too, who she cut off when they wouldnt lend her money.

I can clearly see she is not doing well, despite what she is telling others. I am quite aware that posting on facebook is a load of poo, and not evidence at all. But what is is posting is worring and given her history, cause for concern.

Maybe ill just leave her to it. But i would feel so guilty if anything happened.

OP posts:

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 21:46

If you are as sure as you can be that this child is being neglected/in danger then report your concerns to SS.

Only you know if you are sure. But if you are, then you must do what you think is right.

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 21:49

x-post shoptilidrop. I'm not accusing you of making anything up.

I'm just asking you to question how much of it you believe to be true, and how much of it you imagine could be true.

If you believe it's true then of course you must act.

Ripeberry · 17/04/2009 21:49

You need to go down there and see for yourself. Is she even letting the Midwife visit her? If she is as bad as you say the GP would already have her down as possibly needing social services.
I'm surprised that her employers have not found out about this either, not the best thing to be advertising on your facebook .

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 21:50

Just out of interest, how do you know she is breastfeeding?

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 17/04/2009 21:53

If she is holding down a job as a mental health care nurse and she is BFing her baby, she doesn't sound quite the neglectful crack whore your OP makes out. Could she be staying with a friend because she's between homes ie her next home is being decorated or something? TBH it sounds like you thoroughly disapprove of and dislike her but don't have any actual evidence of harm being done.

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 21:56

Solidgold, I think that's what was playing through my mind too.

I'm not sure though.

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 21:57

Also, walking for miles without eating? 3 weeks after as c-sec? Miles?? Really? I couldn't have done that 3 weeks after my forceps delivery.

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 21:58

And as for not eating whilst breastfeeding

But seriously, you need to examine it I think, is it all really, really true, do you reckon?

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 22:08

i know she is breastfeeding as she has been seen doing it by famiy memeber than have visited her.
Yes shes walking miles, but i have no proof of this as ive only got that from her daily postings of ' today i have walked ... miles'
She is not between houses, she has lived in this house for years, sometime sharing a bed, sometimes sleeping on the sofa with her mate, who as i mention has problems too. She has no intention of moving out and is happy to sleep on the sofa ( i know this as family members have said as this is what she has told them)
Noone of us have any idea how she holds down her job. At odd times when shes had a paticullary bad time her friends have called and spoken and said at work she is excellent byt at home she is a mess. I also know for a fact ( as i have been with her before) that she is seeing a phsy in a different area at her request as she doesnt want the hospital she works at to know. Im not sure holding down a job is quite the best way to say it thought as she was suspended for months twice in the last 16 months for unprofessional behaviour.

I dont know if she is being helped by the hv, and i would hope she would be picked up by them, but, she certainly wouldnt tell anyone if she had been.

Its not about being down on her or disliking her. I am just worried about the baby thats all.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/04/2009 22:19

If it helps, shoptilidrop, there is a young woman of my acquaintance, who got pregnant to spite her sister (long story), gave birth by em CS a few weeks ago and is conducting herself in a similar manner - drinking (she's not BFing though, and doesn't work), "hanging out" with friends (outdoors, drinking), repeatedly chucking out and going back to her physically abusive "d"p and so on. Her mum got SS involved and it now looks as if she - baby's granny - will be given guardianship of the baby until the young woman grows up sorts out her problems. Please, do contact SS, as others have said. If your sister is actually doing OK, they'll see that, and if she's not, they can get support in place for her and for the baby.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 17/04/2009 22:20

Without wishing to start the perennial fight on this thread. BF is not the easiest thing in the world to do and to keep up, so if she is managing to BF successfully she is probably coping rather better than you might think. And if she has lived in this house for years, she isn't 'homeless'. It's not a crime to sleep on a sofa.
You say that your family 'don't care' and are useless - maybe she is keeping you all at a distance because she knows you dislike and disapprove of her and actually she's doing OK. It sounds like her friends are supportive, even if some of them like a drink.

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 22:22

Don't something like 50% of breastfeeding mothers stop breastfeeding in the first 6 weeks anyway? Your family say she was breastfeeding, at the time they saw her. Doesn't mean she is now.

Obv being pissed in charge of a newborn is not good news - but you need to question how much is/was true.

You say she's seeing a psychiatrist (assume that's what she's meant) like it's a bad thing - why should it be? I've got friends who see therapists and find it very constructive. It makes sense to me that she wouldn't want to see one who may know people she works with - confidentiality aside I can understand her wanting her privacy.

I guess, what I'm trying to say, is that you need to separate the fact from the hearsay.

Ask yourself, what facts do you know? Personally, I'd get in contact with her again and try to see for myself what's going on. Not draw conclusions from facebook.

Original poster

shoptilidrop · 17/04/2009 22:29

solidgold - i dont have to explain myself to you.
I never said she was homeless, i said she doesnt even have a bed of her own. She keeps everyone at a distance and lies beacuse she is ill - that is a fact, she has been ill for years. It is not made up, it is not exaggerated. her friends change contstantly apart from the one she lives with. Eventually they all get sick of her and cant deal with her anymore. Itsnot just the drinking, but the hard drugs her so called supportive friends take while being pg themselves as appareantly it doesnt matter as the baby is formed and can be weaned off it when its born. And yes, most of her friends are mental health nurses or care workers themselves.
I know how hard it is to bf, i did it myself for nearly a year.
I also dont think you can call it doing ok if she posting that shes pissed, then hungover the next day, only days after she gets home from the hospital after having a c section.

Maybe i should just keep out of it and stay away as i was doing and leave her to sort her problems out herself.
Its just that deep down i do love her and care for her and want to help.

OP posts:

chequersmate · 17/04/2009 22:33

If you had such a huge falling out how come you're still friends on facebook and able to read her status updates?

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