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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to break with DD's mother via letter?

73 replies

CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 20:49

where to start?

DD is with me.

her mum is currently 50+ miles away working in her ex-H's takeaway.

She went on sunday, after we / my dad and her, decided to try again.

tbh, i can't see the point. the more I think due to the bit of breathing space i have, the more i realise what an abusive relationship it is.

and i can't allow that to be done to or seen by DD - albeit that she'll get fallout whatever happens, at least i can minimise as much damage as possible by providing stability for her.

sure, i might have problems providing the "chineseness", but i pretty sure my DD'll accept i had to forego that to get stability and minimal stress.

anyway, i'm just looking for ideas about how to end this as well as it might possibly be ended...

OP posts:
pipsqueak · 16/04/2009 20:51

yeh do it by letter - it works for me

TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 16/04/2009 20:51

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CoffeeInducedInsomnia · 16/04/2009 20:51

Not sure what you want to end? your DD's contact with her mother?

RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2009 20:52

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HecatesTwopenceworth · 16/04/2009 20:53

face to face. I know it's hard but it's the only decent way - unless you are afraid for your safety. In that type of situation, then a letter is probably a good idea.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 16/04/2009 20:55

meant to say - if it was a casual relationship, end by letter wouldn't be so bad, but when you have a child together, you must do more.

You will have to deal with her for the rest of your life after all - you have a child together.

Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:00

shine - lol - you're too bad.

face to face really should be the way to go, but i know there's gonna be all sorts of wailing and begging and...

god, i don't wanna sound cold, but it's so undignified.

and no fun for either of us.

i've already tried to split with her, just couple of weeks ago after she came back from China (she went for 9 weeks. yes, 9)

hecates - not afraid for my safety, more for her sanity.

and it's not as if she doesn't know that it could be in the offing.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2009 21:03

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Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:05

just to be clear - i'm not married to my dd's mother (thank god).

and it's just our relationship that i want to end.

I've told her repeatedly that i won't keep her out of our dd's life.

but i haven't told her that in the short term i'm going to be very wary of any contact. if she thinks for a few minutes, she'll realise that, because i've told her repeatedly that the main reason for me wanting to break up with her is the fact that i don't trust her.

doesn't help that i'm not in love with her either, or now see the abuse that's gone on for what it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:09

yes, shine. i'm serious.

there's only two (and half) people in my life who think i should stay with her - her, my dad and Calanthia.

although at 20 mths it's not like we can be sure of her thoughts & feelings.

so. i know i'm going to have to do it, the question is how.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 16/04/2009 21:10

If you don't mind me asking - what abuse are you talking about?

RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2009 21:14

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mumblechum · 16/04/2009 21:16
Hmm
Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:21

the abuse varies. there's emotional, financial and sexual aspects that can most easily be pointed to.

in and of them selves, they're small(ish) incidents, it's the cumulative effect.

the trip to China was booked in anger - boy, christmas was rubbish - and "due to" the few occaisions when i snapped back, she decided she'd had enough and was going to get away from me (once again - and once again to punish me by blaming me for "making" her leave)

for a change, she wanted to take our DD along, i said no way and DD's passport remains in my desk at work.

we kinda made things up (or at least civil) before she left.

then she came back, and I was still very much in two minds as to wether or not i could keep going.

quite quickly, it turned out that once again, she had lied - while she was out there, she'd said she was going to the pub and discos all the time. when she came back, she said she'd only been once.

as ever, i ask her which one of these things do you now expect me to believe?

oh, and the texts she'd had fom a guy she met out there which she very deliberately left out for me to read were choice...

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2009 21:24

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Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:26

fair enough shine. and a good point well made.

i am a grown man, and i will sort it out.

but like i say, my head is a little here there and everywhere.

i'd happily do it face to face, if only that the last time resulted in such wailing, begging and crying that she nearly made herself sick.

so in many ways, i'd prefer to go the letter route.

but you're right. i need to do it face to face. if nothing else, she'll respect ti more too - i get enough of her telling me what a man should or shouldn't do.

OP posts:
hester · 16/04/2009 21:28

OK, it sounds like your relationship is over. The only decent thing to do is to end it face to face - not wanting to have her shrieking, wailing or undignified really isn't sufficient excuse to do it by letter.

What is not clear, though, is whether you are considering denying her access to your daughter. It sounds like you are?

Your posts sound like you are very caught up with the silly games you two have been playing with each other, and insufficiently focused on what your daughter needs, now and in the future. I wouldn't be so convinced your dd will forgive you keeping her from your mum in order to get you more stability and less stress. What is she like as a mother? Is she well bonded with your daughter?

TequilaMockinBird · 16/04/2009 21:30

What does providing the chineseness mean?

Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:31

right, that was a quick decision.

although i knew the answer really, just didn't want to face it.

thanks, people.

i'll go see her on sunday, do it face to face, get it over and done with.

neither of us can keep going like this - i know it's hurting her, and i'm tired of trying to keep things / her civil / happy enough / whatever.

thanks agian

OP posts:
Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:35

tequila - dd's mum is chinese, i'm caucasian.

hester - bang on, i know there's been sillyness on both sides. but i've no plans to keep DD away from her mum.

is she well bonded with our dd? debateable.

OP posts:
Shitemum · 16/04/2009 21:35

Tequila - the mother is Chinese. He means that DD won't learn Chinese or be exposed to Chinese culture if her mother isn't around.

TequilaMockinBird · 16/04/2009 21:37

Ah, sorry blonde moment

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 16/04/2009 21:41

Well, I'm going to say,,,,,,,, yes write it all down in a letter, but you must say it to her, or a version of it, in person.

Don't whatever you do just deliver your BLOW without listening to her too. You give her your letter with your side of the story, but don't just say la la la la when she tries to say how she feels. EVEN if nothing on earth will make you change your mind, listen to her. You owe the mother your child that much.

Breaking up with somebody can take hours I'm afraid.

AnyFucker · 16/04/2009 21:44

OP, you sound like a rather strange person

is Calanthia a real name?

Original poster
CalanthiasDad · 16/04/2009 21:45

anyway, thanks again, all.

sometimes you (ahem, I) need some one / people to tell me to get on with it in the way i know i should.

and yes, I am completely serious. I'm just on the tail end of a messed up relationship that needs to end, so sometimes I'm a little "off" in my thoughts and words.

OP posts:
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