to want to break with DD's mother via letter?

[CalanthiasDad]

where to start?

DD is with me.

her mum is currently 50+ miles away working in her ex-H's takeaway.

She went on sunday, after we / my dad and her, decided to try again.

tbh, i can't see the point. the more I think due to the bit of breathing space i have, the more i realise what an abusive relationship it is.

and i can't allow that to be done to or seen by DD - albeit that she'll get fallout whatever happens, at least i can minimise as much damage as possible by providing stability for her.

sure, i might have problems providing the "chineseness", but i pretty sure my DD'll accept i had to forego that to get stability and minimal stress.

anyway, i'm just looking for ideas about how to end this as well as it might possibly be ended...

Look. I'll be honest, my x would describe me as mentally ill and he did try to use my lack of financial security against me.

So it does grate to read similar things being said about Calanthia's Mum (if that's her name)]

However,,,,,,,, if you're dd is domiciled in the UK and has been for the last year, that is her habitiual domicile and your x-to-be would be guilty of abduction if she absconded to China with your daughter (regardless of parentage or who has PR, your daughter's environment is now the UK).

You really need to find out fast though if your x could apply for a Chinese passport for your daughter. Find out does she need father's consent to get a Chinese passport for her daughter...

Having your daughter's UK passport in a drawer might mean diddly sqaut.

I live in fear of my x abducting my children and taking them back to a country where I would have fewer rights (than I do here).

I think the best way to avoid an ugly/tragic situation is to make sure that your x-to-be's life in the UK is tolerable. Make sure that she can find somewhere decent to live, nearby to you.

Bascially, if she's living in poverty and her life is a miserable fcukngi drudge then yeah, it's a risk that she's going to abscond.

You had a child with a woman who probably feels miserably homesick (or at least a bit homesick). YOu need to make sure that her life here in the UK is fulfilling. You just need to give her a BIT of help here and there. I have struggled with bureacracy at times. Englsih is my first language. Hope you understand what I'm sayoing.

This is utter tripe isn't it?

Please try harder next time, because there is going to be a next time isn't there, you keep coming back don't you?

And please work on the characters a bit more in your latest made up sorry little fantasy tale before you put it out in public for review.

Your style is so very distinctive.

cat knows something we dont

Blimey, somethings kicking off....

I don't think he was, Evenstar.

It seemed suss that he knew the ropes on MN etiquette (smilies, how to answer etc) but was still daft enough to put DDs name up.

Something fishy going on here...

Will watch this one, I love a good troll thread!

typical nasty man bashing of mumsnet

if a woman had wrote any of this, people would be rushing in with sympathy and advice

and here come the troll hunters

So how do you explain catinthehat1's comment?

Well either he is a she and had too many jelly babies tonight or he is a he with a serious need for help in this matter....

and whats with OP's P being 50+ miles away working in her EX-H take away....personally I would be having a problem with that......

CD- why have you got your DD and not her? Why are you deciding what happens to both of your DD?

And why I see you dont like the fact shes over there in china, maybe thats what she really wants - her family around her. maybe shes going through a tough time since dd was born. theres something deeper than what your explaining. Why would you gain parental responsibilty? do the courts think shes a bad mother?

I'm a bit I actually thought this was a genuine thread but now I'm wondering if I've been suckered in....

If this is genuine then I agree that you need to find our your rights with regards to your DD, end the relationship sooner rather then later & do it face to face.

Does someone know for definite that this isn't genuine?

I dunno. Maybe i just posted all this in the wrong place. This is genuine, I am genuine. Apologies to those who think otherwise, and feel their time has been wasted.

I just wanted a bit of advice, a second opinion or two, and maybe a little support / kick up the arse to do the right thing. And to those who provided those, I thank you once again.

I already knew that really we cannot be together, and that really I need to do it face to face.

I made a dumb mistake - tried google, got to page 14 without seeing this thread, so feel reasonably safe about that. But i have used google and found threads on this site previously.

But having said that, I won't be going into anymore details. Sorry, but with so many things still to be sorted out, it's really not worth the potential problems of being found airing all this in public.

I hope this is coming out a bit less rambly and a bit easier to read.

I've been on Mumsnet for a while as a way of getting information and ideas, so I know a bit of the nettiquette, but this is the first time i've ever posted to any site like this, hence a dumb mistake or more...

I will take far more care in the future.

I must say it feels very strange - as if I having many different conversations at the same time.

Couple of quick facts:

I have parental responsibility cos I'm named as the father on dd's birth certificate.

I'm not using her willingness to leave DD with me as a stick to beat her with - there's plenty other things she's done that I'm not happy about, and that have broken all trust I had in her. And worst, kept it broken.

Anyway, thanks again to those who have helped.

To those who are trying to look for flaws, gaps, etc - I hope at least you were entertained. (shakes head sadly, sighs)

Now I really must say goodbye, for obvious reasons I'm off to change my nickname...

I had not read evey single post, but much of it.

I can't say for sure if this is genuine or not, who ever knows.

But what I do know, is that it is not unusual for a chinese mother to take her child to china and leave her there with grandparents. In fact, it is, to some extend a pressure they face from grandparents. And the chinese culture is so different from english culture we cannot presume this pressure does not exist, or is not very very real.

I know this because I have a chinese sil, married to my bil. She has a daughter in china, who only speaks chinese, who has never been to usa (where my sil lives with my bil). She was not allowed to have her with her in USA she had to give her up. Although it broke her heart, it was what she had to do, for reasons I am sure we could never understand. And, her other daughter goes to china for 2 months each year, to keep her chinese roots alive, and this is also expected. My SIL is not an american chinese, she is a chinese american bound by the expectations of her chinese family.

So I am sure that the OPs fear of his daughter being taken to china and left there is very real and I am not convinced that as others have said, he is being controlling because he keeps her passport at work so he does not have his daughter moved to a country where access would be impossible.

I should emphasise, in my last post, I am not generalising, but suggesting this pressure can be real in some chinese communities/families.