Angry with in-laws and dh over Easter and just need to rant!

[helsbels4]

Firstly, I don't think I've ever posted in AIBU so please be a little gentle with me if you think I'm being a twunk.

DH and I have a ds (9) and a dd(4) so a young family. We've done the usual Easter egg hunt this year, family have bought eggs etc round for the dc's but absolutely nothing from dh's father and his wife and dh's step-sister (they've been brought up to think of each other as sister and brother.)

This in itself wouldn't usually bother me too much cos they're a strange bunch but......
a. Said sister has four dc's who have all grown up now and we have bought for all four for bloody years!

b. It's dh's dad's grandchildren for Heaven's sake!

What has annoyed me even more (I'm fuming, trust me) is that both dh's sister and father have rung over the weekend - his sister to ask for some photos and his dad to inform us that dh's neice (my Goddaughter) is getting married in Turkey next year - oh but you lot aren't invited as it's close family only and neither of them mentioned anything along the lines of, "Sorry we haven't bothered with your children this year but it's just that all the other grandchildren who we favour, are big now and we couldn't be arsed to think of yours".

I'm even more angry that dh didn't say a bloody word to them!!!! He said he would talk to them when he'd thought of what to say! Yeah right, my arse he will!

Tbh, this goes back years with dh seemingly unable to say anything vaguely confrontational to his family and it is driving me insane.

Does he not feel any anger on behalf of his children?

So "gentle" opinions please. AIBU or not?

YABU its a bank holiday weekend, not their birthdays!

This isn't about the eggs, is it? It's about how you feel that they don't really care about your kids? Or at least not as much as other children within the family? YANBU to be upset by that.

I think sometimes if you have crappy parents, you kind of realise it is pointless confronting them about things like 'forgetting' Easter eggs etc etc. You can't change people and if that is the way they are, then just spend less time with them and don't be making major efforts unless you absolutely need to.

Don't fall out with DH about it though because that is pointless, it's not his fault. He probably knows that arguing/fighting or mentioning it to them will make no difference and will only cause him and/or you more stress.

Perhaps your dh is embarrassed about their behaviour and just wants to ignore it. (like mine does)
Totally agree with HolyG though

I think your DHs family are very very rude. YANBU

helsbels4

I think YABU about the eggs. We haven't bought eggs for our nieces & nephews, even though some families always buy for us. We don't want to start buying only for those that do, so it seems fairer to spend time and attention on everyone instead.

As HecatesTwoPenceWorth says though, this is about more than the eggs. Your feelings are that you are being sidelined, and it makes you wonder why and what you've done to deserve it. YANBU to have feelings like these, or to be frustrated that your partner isn't more assertive about addressing them. However, maybe they've picked up on the fact that you think they're a "strange bunch?" Is it possible that you just fundamentally dislike your DH's sister? Nothing wrong with that, we all have personality clashes in our life, but it's important not to feel so uncomfortable with your dislike that you start looking for evidence to justify those feelings. Maybe your family and theirs just have completely different ways of operating.

I'm sorry that you have had an upsetting end to your weekend. Feeling furious is always worth paying attention to, I hope you can get to the bottom of it.

I agree with HolyGuacamole too. My own family's like this too and it really wouldn't make a scrap of difference if they were confronted. If anything they seem to get a kick out of putting on a hard done by act. Ignoring it works best.

YANBU for being annoyed about the behaviour of dh's family but YAB a little U to be angry with your dh.

Hecate, you've hit the nail on the head really. I couldn't care less about the chocolate (my children don't seem that keen on it anyway), it's the fact that we continuously seem to be overlooked. Our children are the youngest in the family and don't seem to count and dh is the outsider of the three children and doesn't get included so much.

I also know you don't give to receive but when you've bought for others for years and they don't bother, it just grates a bit. We always still make a point of seeing his dad and his sister's children on their birthdays but his dad only posts cards to dh and I and his sister didn't even manage a quick visit on our children's birthdays.

I feel angry on my children's behalf. I have already told dh tonight that I will be backing off from his family if this is how they treat us. He thought I was being unreasonable, hence my post. GGrrrrrr!

I dont know if it helps but I have been with my OH for nearly twenty years and its only been the last four or so that I have 'let it go'.

If you recognise they are a bit odd you are halfway there. You cant change them and you will waste a lot of energy if you try to work them out.

Some people dont make sense.

YANBU for being upset but there's just no point.

Thanks, I was starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable with his family.

Chegirl, I've been with dh for twenty years, married for thirteen, but I have never known him to stand up to any of his family ever! I know I'm a bit sparky and he's more laid-back but sometimes surely you have to stand up for children sakes? (There have been many more situations over the years). I will try to "let go" but it's not in my nature

MadamDeathstare, I'm going to go with what you have said and leave dh's family to him to sort out. It'll be refreshing not to have to remind him to write in cards, post thank-you notes, ask what he thinks they'll like for Christmas etc etc etc! They'll never see or hear from him again

Have had a glass of wine and some yanbu and feel less like killing dh now calmer now.

If he doesn't want to back off from them even a little then your anger is understandable. He is expecting you and your children to put up with more of the same and that isn't fair.

some people don't buy easter eggs as they're unhealthy, some people don't place alot of importance on birthdays etc and some people are just forgetful.
I think you're making quite a big deal out of nothing and if it bothers you that much (clearly more than it bothers your husband) then you need to speak to them rather than let all this anger fester away.
if you don't particularly like them then don't get so het up about it.
There are more important things to worry about

sorry, might have missed this bit but did you say they usually buy Easter eggs for your DC, so this year their behaviour is out of the ordinary?

Re: the sister not buying for your DC when you've bought for her's for years. I don't get this feeling that in that case they owe your children some eggs then. Some people don't actually agree with buying loads of easter eggs for all the kids in the family as they realise that the kids would end up with too many. But what are they supposed to do when you present them with your's - it's not polite to say "sorry, we don't want them." We've had a problem this year - my 2 kids have ended up getting loads of eggs from extended family etc, it is totally ridiculous the amount they've received. This year, I deliberately didn't buy any for my own neices and nephews knowing they'd get loads from great auntie mabel etc and it seems my sister and sister-in-law feel exactly the same too as didn't buy anything for my kids. They both told me that they were relieved that we weren't expecting anything from them, and also thankful that we hadn't got their kids any eggs as they'd got piles upon piles from other older relatives.

I wouldn't mind if it was the healthy aspect they were thinking of, or if they usually didn't bother with Easter but they have always bought for our dc's in the past (whilst some of the other grandchildren were still at school) but now all the others are older teenagers and adults, our children seem to have been overlooked.

I have suggested to my dh that I will speak to them but he doesn't seem to think that would be a good idea! It doesn't bother him because for some unknown reason to me, he is unable of ever saying anything even slightly inflammatory (sp) to any of his family!

And yes, there are far more important things to worry about and his family will no longer be at the top of my list of worries that's for sure!

Hmm, I buy Easter Eggs for No-one other than my own children (tiny) and one for my DH (tiny) - simply because I hate seeing the complete effusion of chocolate...

I'm helping at a holiday club at the moment = one boy in my group got 30 easter eggs. No child needs that amount of chocolate.

If you want to celebrate the festival then send them an Easter Card (I got 6 in a pack in Tesco for about £1) - they clearly aren't going to reciprocate and they clearly want little to do with it all.

TBH I cringe when people give us easter eggs (my Mum, my MIL, my Auntie, the lovely woman at church) - not because I'm ungrateful, but simply because I don;t want my children having that amount of chocolate - I have 5 small eggs in my fridge that are going to be made into crispy cakes tomorrow and then shared round the helpers at Holiday Club.

Are we married to the same man? Does he have a daytime job and only gets home around 5pm? Cos my OH leaves the house at 4.30pm so you never know

My OH is a love but he lets his family do the most hidious things and then forgets about it. I dont mean things that are a bit 'off', I mean really awful stuff.

So it was me who had to say enough. You deal with them. I dont want to.

Some of them are wonderful and I wouldnt be without them but the others can piss off for all I care.

I have to say I never got into the writing cards, buying presents thing for them. There are far to many of them for a start and they like to take offence at odd things. It was too much of a minefield.

CurlyhairedAssassin, as I said before, I don't give to receive but if somebody had bought for my four children every Easter, birthday and Christmas for the past twenty odd years then I would at least acknowledge them at those times of year! Dh's sister didn't visit at Christmas - we went there - didn't visit on dc's birthdays and hasn't even uttered a "Happy Easter"! His dad doesn't fare much better either!

Maybe IABU but we've always made an effort for all of them and I'm pi**ed off that they can't be bothered!

Hels, if they've bought Easter eggs in previous years then IMO its wrong for them not to do it this year without an explanation. So in that respect YANBU.

YABU to expect that your DH will be man enough to raise theses issues with his familiy - my DH is exactly the same, and even though he agrees with me about some stuff that winds me up that they do, he would NEVER stand up to them or point out where they've pissed us off!

Chegirl, my dh does get home at 5pm.......!!!!!

I could just scream at dh! There have been so many things over the years that have been down-right out of order but he just SITS THERE!!!! I want to shake him and tell him to shout like I do . I am definitely backing off from now because I've had enough of them.

Bathsheba, it's not the fact I want my dc's to have Easter eggs, it's the fact that dh's family just seem to think that because they are the last young grandchildren, they don't need to bother anymore and dh's sister always has something else going on to remember my dc's birthdays (I think I've only ever had one birthday card from her, even though I've known her for twenty odd years) but I we never forget hers or her family's special occasions.

I've just got to a point where I'm thinking, "If you can't beat them join them" but I'm angry for my dc's because her dc's never went without when they were little.

Oh and my dc's received four actual Easter eggs - two from dh and I (buy 1 get 1 free!) one from my brother and one from an old family friend. Other family members bought them little gifts instead.

Oh, aren't families complicated?! DH has a brother who is married to a strange woman who never wants anything to do with the rest of the family for some unknown reason. Their 2 children have missed out on so many nice family get-togethers, it's so sad for them. It seems like they don't even tell their girls that they are invited to these things, and it must be so hurtful to the girls as they must wonder why they never come to any family birthday parties - they must think we don't invite them!

Sorry, that was quite a bit off-topic, but it's times of traditional family gatherings like Xmas and Easter that get me thinking about how strange families are......

Yes quite! Dh's aunt was 70 a while back and had apparently asked dh's dad to let dh and his two sisters know that she was having a family bash at their house.......we never got told and neither did dh's other sister .

They arrange family get-togethers- but arrange them for an evening in a restaurant which is way past my dd's bedtime that they know we can't make.

Lots and lots of things that just grate on me and I so want to tell them what I think!

helsbels - YANBU to be angry at your DH's family for discounting your family as less important; and to some point you have a right to be angry that your DH doesn't seem to want to stand up to them for you and your DC - but have you explored why he doesnt want to?

Is it because he can't be bothered (in which case, YANBU to be angry) or because he is fully aware that it will have zero usefulness and will just cause a lot of unnecessary bad feeling that he will have to bear the brunt of?

Fairness is something that some families just don't get and never will so it is pointless wishing for it. Just let your DH take over communications with them and if he can't be doing with it then it's their loss long term.

What use are the extended family to your DC if they can't be bothered with your DC? None. It just makes for more sadness later.

I don't really know why dh won't ever speak against them tbh, apart from the fact that he just doesn't seem to have any spark with things like that.

His mum and sister caused a lot of problems and unhappiness for us when my ds was a baby and he said nothing! (This is bearing in mind that his mum called me a liar, amongst other things, because I dared to question something she said and his sister sent me a barrage of nasty letters).

He seems to be unable to want to disappoint them or cause upset - even if it means causing upset at home here.

I just want to shake him sometimes and to use an expression I read on MN once - "To grow some balls" but he just lets every episode wash over him.

I am going to distance myself from them now and leave the communication to dh. They rarely bother to keep in contact with us anyway and we only really see them when we make the effort to go there, so it won't be a massive loss.

When we do see them, all they are interested in is talking constantly about their other grandchildren and what they're all up to and their new puppy, oh and telling my children not to touch anything! Ho hum!

YANBU. I completely get where you are coming from, similar situation with DH family.

To be honest in the end I just waded in and told them what I thought.

DH was not happy, but I told him that I too had a relationship with these people (been with DH 22 years) and why should I be the one stewing over it all. Let them understand my annoyance and to hell with it...he sure wasn't going to say much. I don't want him to be my spokesperson.....I did feel better for it.

It's hard though to explain why you feel such annoyance on someone elses behalf! It's an odd feeling....