Angry with in-laws and dh over Easter and just need to rant!

[helsbels4]

Firstly, I don't think I've ever posted in AIBU so please be a little gentle with me if you think I'm being a twunk.

DH and I have a ds (9) and a dd(4) so a young family. We've done the usual Easter egg hunt this year, family have bought eggs etc round for the dc's but absolutely nothing from dh's father and his wife and dh's step-sister (they've been brought up to think of each other as sister and brother.)

This in itself wouldn't usually bother me too much cos they're a strange bunch but......
a. Said sister has four dc's who have all grown up now and we have bought for all four for bloody years!

b. It's dh's dad's grandchildren for Heaven's sake!

What has annoyed me even more (I'm fuming, trust me) is that both dh's sister and father have rung over the weekend - his sister to ask for some photos and his dad to inform us that dh's neice (my Goddaughter) is getting married in Turkey next year - oh but you lot aren't invited as it's close family only and neither of them mentioned anything along the lines of, "Sorry we haven't bothered with your children this year but it's just that all the other grandchildren who we favour, are big now and we couldn't be arsed to think of yours".

I'm even more angry that dh didn't say a bloody word to them!!!! He said he would talk to them when he'd thought of what to say! Yeah right, my arse he will!

Tbh, this goes back years with dh seemingly unable to say anything vaguely confrontational to his family and it is driving me insane.

Does he not feel any anger on behalf of his children?

So "gentle" opinions please. AIBU or not?

I think stepping back is a good idea, leave it to them to contact you or your ball less DH to contact them, if he is like most men he will not, he will forget birthdays and so on.

You and your children are worth much more then these stupid people

Jazz, I am so tempted to wade in with my opinions of them but I'm just worried that I would ruin any shred of a relationship that dh still has with them. We already seem to be the outsiders as it is and this would finish things for good.

I spoke my mind to dh's mum and sister a few years ago and the fall-out was horrendous!!! I felt better though

Thank-you Kimi, yes me and my children are worth more than these shallow people who have their favourite grandchildren (I could never imagine treating my children/grandchildren differently). It's their loss.

Btw, how's your mum doing? Hope you are all adjusting ok

Don't visit them,stop making an effort and EXPEXT NOTHING!!

That way you won't be disappointed. I have this problem with my parents and to an extent DH's family. My mum,for the first time in 17 years decided not to buy my dc Easter Eggs,but i suspect she has still bought my brother's dc an egg.

A year ago it would have sent me loopy but i no longer rise to her stupid carry on

Thank you for asking about my mum, She is at Roehampton today for the "walking" clinic, she should have a new leg soon. She is coping much better then I thought she would.

She is still smoking and eating crap though

oops EXPECT

Helbels4 you are not being unreasonable. This has been going on with my relatives too....after years and years of being there for their children, babysitting, presents, treats at Easter, attending school plays, and endless sponsorship forms, now that their dcs are all grown up and mine is still little, its like they just don't do that any more. They were happy for me to do the full blown aunty thing and but don;t do it for me...so like many posters have advised you.... don;t make the effort with them any more...I dont as it was making me feel stressed. you can;t change their attitude and it really is as you say - their loss.

Oh Kimi that's hard to understand if she still isn't doing anything to help herself. That must be so frustrating for you

I am determined now to back off and let them all get on with it and you're right aGalChangedHerName, that way I won't be disappointed by any of them.

I just find it so hard to let it wash over me but I must otherwise they are going to annoy me forever.

Honestly your life will be easier if you do. I wish i'd distanced myself from my own family years ago. but easier than being shit on from a great height constantly.

Just enjoy Easter/birthdays etc on your own. Do your own thing and only invite folks you like!!

AGal has a point about doing your own thing... sometimes I think we only invite family cos we feel obliged to...they are family after all...but it always leads to disappointment. so i thought, well if i met these people socially would I be friends with them? would i choose to spend time with them? and the answer to some of them was a resounding no!!! So I don't make the effort anymore, it does still rankle but not as much as having them around!

Still need to resolve the inlaws issue though...DP wont hear anything against them even when I point out how rude they are to him and how often they put him down (this is where he learnt to do it me) - is it just a son thing? Girls are more willing to try to resolve these issues while boys want it to go away on its own or just ignore it.

I think you're both right because every year we seem to hold a big family birthday bash for my dc's (their birthdays are four days apart) but we only do this because we think we should and no, I wouldn't particularly choose to be friends with any of them!

I'm convinced after reading these replies, that the best thing to do now is to distance myself and the dc's from them and let them get on with it.

We certainly won't be missing much and we don't need people like them around us anyway. Sorted!

YABU - many many people just don't bother with easter eggs and if you choose to buy them for your nephews and neices then that's your perogative. You shouldn't give to receive.

Unless they DID give easter eggs to all the other children in the family, in which case they are being unreasonable but your post makes it sound like they didn't.

The wedding thing, people invite who they want. I do think it's odd that someone would ring up specifically to tell you you aren't invited though.

Messymissy, it's just so frustrating isn't it?! Dh and I were only talking about this yesterday that the family members whose children are older now, seem to have forgotten that we have a young family and what it's like.

We too did all the visiting, buying lovely presents for their dc's (we could afford it then), sponsor forms, babysitting etc etc but that just isn't returned by his family. Dh's dad has never babysat my children, his step-sister barely acknowledges them let alone offers to sit (she still spells ds' name wrong) and his real sister has only ever offered to babysit once or twice - we used to babysit his sister's children all the time!!!

As I said before, you don't give to receive but I just feel as if they are all taking the p* and I've had enough of putting up with it.

Beanieb, I could understand it if they just didn't do the whole eggs at Easter business but they have always done it in the past for all the grandchildren but it just seems like an enormous coincidence that this year, all the other grandchildren are older/working themselves and so our little children, who find egs at Easter exciting, have been overlooked. It just doesn't seem fair to me. The other g/c have had eggs til they're in their late teens/early twenties and my dc's are 9 and 4!

Yes they did ring up just to tell us about the wedding that we're not actually invited to! This is bearing in mind that dh spoke to his step-sister (the mum of the neice getting married) the day before and she didn't utter a word about it!

I heard a rumour from a different family member just before Christmas that they were getting engaged on Christmas Day but we weren't told of this at the time as yesterday was the first time it has been "officially" mentioned to us!

They are odd I tell you!

You are right, helsbels you dont give to receive, but one good turn certainly deserves another!! and it is at best frustrating when its not reciprocated and at worst, downright hurtful.

So I think you have to get to a stage when you think its just not worth the battle anymore.

BTW, my dd became very unwell at my sisters house on Friday, two of my sisters where there, we had to leave early as DD was so poorly. Neither have called me to see how she is.....

Its her birthday soon, and I wont be doing a family party, just one for all her playgroup friends (and my friends - their mums)

helsbels - there are people in this world who do things with family just BECAUSE they are family - regardless of how they all actually feel about it.
I don't personally buy into this "blood is thicker than water and after all they are your family" bollocks - if they are unpleasant selfish people with mean spiteful attitudes (I can only think that is why they told you about this wedding you're not invited to), then you wouldn't have anything to do with them by choice, so lose them! Family are just people we share some DNA with - we DON'T have to like them or put up with their attitudes.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a wet fish, I'm afraid - I would be telling him to grow a pair for sure!

Thank you both for seeing things from my point of view because sometimes I do wonder if IABU because I am far more feisty and opinionated than dh and these things from his family do irritate me.

We organise family parties because we feel we should because my family have always been close and mean the world to me but I don't particularly like dh's family - mostly because they make us feel like outsiders - so I think that including them in our business has to stop now. Dh can obviously do what he likes with them as I can't stop him seeing his family but it doesn't mean that me and the dc's have to as well.

I feel refreshed that I have been awoken to this decision!

Dh is a bit of a wet fish tbh - we couldn't be more different in that respect and I can really see myself telling him to grow a pair in the very, very near future

UPDATE!!!!!!

DH rang me to say he would be a bit late home from work because his last job was taking him out of town (he's a taxi driver)

An hour later he text to say he wouldn't be much longer but he had popped in to see his dad!!!

Basically, they chatted for a bit - about their two grand-daughters that are getting married this year and next year and their dog when dh came out with it and asked if they had bought our dc's anything for Easter!!!! (Not sure I'd have put it quite like that!)

His dad said, "No"

Dh then asked, "Why because they're still little and you've always bought Easter eggs for all of the grandchildren?"

Dh's dad replied that he didn't know and that he would make it up to them. Dh told him not to bother because nothing he did or bought them now would make up for missing out Easter altogether and he left!!!

Is this my dh I'm talking about here?

My "wet fish" of a dh?!!!

He says he will tackle his step-sister when he speaks to her too! (We'll see)

He's even cross that we were told we weren't close enough family to his neice who is getting married in Turkey next year to be invited and said he would have liked at least the option to attend!

My assertiveness may be rubbing off after all!!!

hurrah! looks like his pair are starting to make an appearance...

Indeed!!! Shame in a way as I was looking forward to telling him to grow a pair

I didn't invite my cousins and aunts and uncles to my last wedding. It was just a small wedding. If it's in Turkey why are you having such a strop about it? They can invite who they wish. Why shouldn't they have a wedding without you if they wish. I don't get people who feel they or their kids have a "right" to attend someone else's wedding. You want a big extended family party, you organise and pay for one.
I agree re the Easter eggs though and think it's good your husband raised that.

Go DH! Go DH!

That is brilliant that he has done that, it really is!

I've just caught up with this thread and would like to say well done to Mr Helsbels.

2rebecca - Fair enough for a couple to invite whoever they please to their wedding but in this case it's the reason for it that is odd. They haven't said that it's because they can't afford it or only want a small wedding. They have said that it's close family only, with the implication that being the bride's brother isn't a close enough relationship.

Oops! Just re-read the OP. Ignore the bit about being the bride's brother. I've obviously got it mixed up.

2rebecca, you've missed the point! We're not particularly annoyed that we haven't been invited, we're annoyed that dh's father specifically rang us to tell us of the wedding with the added bonus of "but it's only close family invited"!

The wedding isn't until September 2010, so really no rush to inform us of a wedding we aren't included in!!! (Especially as we weren't even told of the engagement in the first place!)

Thanks CurlyhairedAssasin! I still can't quite believe he went and did it!

coppertop, no dh is not the bride's brother but she was one of our bridesmaids and is my goddaughter and although I'm definitely one for, "invite who you want to a wedding", it would have been nice to have had the opportunity to go if we could.

It apparently has nothing to do with numbers or anything like that but dh's neice's fiance, wants to get married in shorts and t-shirt , so no real reason why the rest of the family couldn't have at least been invited as far as I can tell!

If you're not 'close' enough family to be invited to the wedding, then look at it this way: you certainly don't need to buy them a present.. I would have been very annoyed by this too, as well as the egg snub to your DC.

Good on your DH for taking this up with his dad. You are definitely doing the right thing to stop buying presents for them, arranging events etc in the future.