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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that my friends cancelled coming to us today because they got trashed last night?

70 replies

Numberfour · 12/04/2009 11:02

this has happened two or three times now.

they live a fair way away and would have to take the train to us. they certainly party more than we do (DH and I have a 4 year old son) while they are childless / childfree (and gay with no intentions of having children).

i received a text this morning sent at 6.20am saying that they were not going to make it today to ours and that they are sure we will understand.

should I just understand?? i appreciate that they like to party (i used to right there with them!) but DS and I were really looking forward to seeing them and I have gone to a bit more effort for lunch today than I normally would have just for the 3 of us.

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 12/04/2009 11:06

No you shouldn't have to undestand, they are being very rude. So YANBU

BitOfFunnyBunny · 12/04/2009 11:06

YANBU to be a bit peeved, but it's totally par for the course I'm afraid- at least they let you know (even if they were probably still drunk). Just enjoy your lunch and eat their portion of cake!

MissisBoot · 12/04/2009 11:06

YANBU - but if they plan a visit again then ask them if they're going to cancel at the last minute then you know you don't have to get anything extra in for them.

It is bloody inconsiderate of them but make the most of your day together as a family with a lovely lunch

MuffinBaker · 12/04/2009 11:08

YANBU to be upset. Of course you aren't.

Enjoy the special lunch with your family.

Next time they arrange to come, don't plan anything special, assume they aren't coming. If they do, just make the point that you have been left disappointed before so you didn't plan anything/get special food in.

Curiousmama · 12/04/2009 11:09

YANBU next time don't tell ds that they're coming just in case they don't AGAIN.

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 11:12

bitoffunnybunny, that is what DH is going to say when i tell him: par for the course with those two!
missisboots and muffinbaker, you're both right. better to expect them NOT to come and then get things together if they do, than to get a fridge full of lovely stuff only to have to probably bin some of it (if we don't scoff the lot ourselves!)

now to tell DH that the inevitable has happened.

ho hum.

OP posts:
differentEggD · 12/04/2009 11:18

I would send them a message back to say that yes, you understand that they are immature and selfish to disappoint a 4 year old who is now very upset that they wont be coming.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 12/04/2009 11:20

I don't think it's fair. If you have a commitment then you don't go and get yourself trashed the night before - esp if you have enough experience of the aftereffects to know how you will feel!

they knew they were coming to you, they chose to go out and get drunk, they must have known how they'd feel the following day!

A better friend would have made a different choice.

gscrym · 12/04/2009 11:25

Send them a message saying you understand but lay it on thick about how you were really looking forward to seeing them and that DS is upset because he was really looking forward to seeing them as it's been soooooo long. Pour on the guilt and get stuck into all the lovelies in the fridge.

Or, text back saying 'was it today, bugger I totally forgot about you, been so busy. Good job I didn't get anything special in.'

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 11:37

and to add insult to injury, DS saw me in the garden playing Easter Bunny! DAMN!!

but i said I was checking to see if EB had been.

hope the rest of the day goes better.......

OP posts:
MegBusset · 12/04/2009 11:43

YANBU at all -- how rude.

Hope you enjoy your day anyway

AnguaVonUberwald · 12/04/2009 13:41

One of DH's friends used to do this, eventually I said, right thats it, we are not going to clean, shop or cook for him, if he does turn up you can go to the supermarket with him and get food.

I felt much better about it, stopped resenting it, and when he finally did come, I got food when it was confirmed he was on his way. (oh yes, and I refused to organise anything with him, when it would stop us doing something else, so we hadn't missed out on anything else when he didn't come)!

littleboyblue · 12/04/2009 13:49

I have a friend who is the same. She used to arrange to come to visit me and ds1 at home, and on the morning would text to say she was too hung over, which really pisses me off, only because she knew she was supposed to visit me before she went out and got totally shit-faced.
She also expects me to do public transport with 2 babies to go to her when it's my turn (we try to alternate houses so one person doesn't make all the effort), which I do instead of just saying it only takes her 30mins by car, then I get to her house at agreed time and she isn't even ou of bed! She now expects me to go out drinking with her and to go to her house 'next time you don't have the kids'

YANBU
I don't even bother making plans with my friend anymore, no point if I don't think she'll stick to them.

ScummyMummy · 12/04/2009 13:51

Think Angua has the right approach. It must be annoying if you've taken lots of trouble, but last minute cancellation sounds like it's always a possibility where they are concerned so I think in future it's best not to do any major extra prep. I've done this- I can't take too much drink and if I misjudge my intake the next day effects are terrible and incompatible with socialising...

MadamDeathstare · 12/04/2009 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 14:11

aqua has a good point. and Madam, DH and I would def have arranged to do something else today had we not made the arrangements. but then i am the twit for believing them..... and i confirmed with them at 8.20 last night!

i could not understand the text which said:We are not going to make it today. Sorry. but you are close enough to understand. x

it was the "close enough" thing i did not get til now: i am supposed to be accepting of them cancelling again because we are such close friends. or in another light, because we are so close, i should be expected to be dropped at the last minute when their drinking and snorting takes precedence yet again.

anyway, we are still going to bbq and have pavlova for pud despite the rain

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 12/04/2009 14:52

I think the close enough is to stop you having a go tbh.

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 12/04/2009 15:03

They are trying to smooth you over with the 'close enough'.
Sub text is - someone who we weren't as good friends with would be allowed to be upset, but we expect you not to be because we are so close'

It's really rude and if I was in your position I would let them know that you are upset and disappointed. If they get in a huff then they aren't as good friends as you thought and maybe it's time to move on?

Hope you enjoyed your yummy lunch

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 15:11

i agree, alibaba. because we're so close you have to put up with it.

i don't want to make an issue of it with them. i am VERY fond of them both but of course this kind of thing is annoying to Dh and disappointing to Ds. If it were only me it would be easeir to deal with.

anyway,thanks for all the replies and for letting me rant!

lunch has become early supper..... still need to light the bbq though i have opened the wine already hic!

OP posts:
VerityClinch · 12/04/2009 15:42

I'd tell them it's going to be difficult to stay "close" friends with them if you never see them because they are constantly letting you down...

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 17:36

i have just received an email and all it says is "sorry"

i think he knows i am more than fucked off.

i don't even want to reply to the email.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 17:39

aqua???? apologies, AnguaVonUberwald

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 12/04/2009 17:48

Wow. That's beyond rude. Are they really your friends?

Brilliant line - you're close enough for us to be really rude and let you down?

Makes you want to avoid having 'close' friends!

Best not reply to the email. And this is nothing to do with not having children - I've got lots of childfree friends who wouldn't dream of doing something like this.

Just get pizza in the next time they come! And say, "Sorry it's pizza but I couldn't be sure if you were coming or not,"

MuffinBaker · 12/04/2009 18:29

Did you reply to their text?

piratecat · 12/04/2009 18:33

'but you are close enough to understand'

is totally passing the buck and trying to appeal to your generosity of friendship, and turning it round on you, that they will be pissed off, if you get pissed off.

shallow and selfish imo