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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be upset that my friends cancelled coming to us today because they got trashed last night?

70 replies

Numberfour · 12/04/2009 11:02

this has happened two or three times now.

they live a fair way away and would have to take the train to us. they certainly party more than we do (DH and I have a 4 year old son) while they are childless / childfree (and gay with no intentions of having children).

i received a text this morning sent at 6.20am saying that they were not going to make it today to ours and that they are sure we will understand.

should I just understand?? i appreciate that they like to party (i used to right there with them!) but DS and I were really looking forward to seeing them and I have gone to a bit more effort for lunch today than I normally would have just for the 3 of us.

OP posts:
ComeOeufeneer · 12/04/2009 18:39

I wouldn't let this pass tbh. They are taking you for mugs and you are letting them get away with it so no reason for them not to do it again and again.

I would reply stating so, not just saying it is ok when it clearly isn't. They need a wake up call that if they value your friendship at all they need to make more of an effort and stop being so damn rude.

ChampagneDahling · 12/04/2009 18:51

YANBU - very rude IMO. However, I would not reply to their texts or emails for a little while so that they can see you are pissed off without having to lower yourself to their level - you don't need to be involved in a war of words - rise above it and don't invite them again for a wee while.

We once turned up for Sunday lunch with friends to be turned away at the door because one of them was ill so they couldn't see us. FGS haven't they heard of phones...?? Hard to explain that one to DC with meagre rations at home and no money to go out for lunch.....

Dillydaydreamer · 12/04/2009 18:52

They are very rude and I felt exactly the same when friends of ours failed to turn up on boxing day without letting us know even. It winds the hell out of me! I wouldn't invite them again.

MadamDeathstare · 12/04/2009 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoThisDoThat · 12/04/2009 19:00

Hiya. YANBU and furthermore the "you are close enough" is bollocks. Real friends don't take the piss like this - friendship is two-way i.e. they should be committed to come and not go and get shitfaced the night before and then expect you to understand because you're a friend. Are they being your friend in this situation? No? Thought not.

Sorry, but I'm really pissed off on your behalf.

warthog · 12/04/2009 19:06

jeez. 'close enough' friends don't let each other down like that.

-you bought extra / special food
-you didn't make other arrangments
-they knew last night but couldn't / weren't bothered enough not to get trollied.

basically 'close enough' means they can mess you around as much as they want.

i would not reply to that 'sorry' email for quite a while.

NancysGarden · 12/04/2009 19:18

how rude, I would be really hurt. In fact this happened once with a good friend and her boyf. They were forever having domestics in those days and I had made a posh smoked salmon meal and half an hour AFTER the time they were due to arrive I got a lame text telling me they couldn't come with a poor excuse. i know it's different but equally rude. Feel for you.

Confuzzeled · 12/04/2009 19:21

My friends have done this to me numerous times since I've had my dd.

It's disapointing that people consider a night out more important than you.

Spidermama · 12/04/2009 19:22

I have a gay friend who has often done this to me. The thing is, now he lives in New York so he comes back to visit and has loads of people to see. He always ends up too trashed to see the parents among his friends.

Actually I've pretty much lost most of my going out friends , except the ones who have also had children and can't go out any more.

You have to try not to take it personally. They're on different paths.

MuffinBaker · 12/04/2009 19:23

I also think they are saying you are close so that if you get arsey with them, they can turn it on you that you aren't as bothered about the friendship as them.

How was your meal?

Sidge · 12/04/2009 20:27

Their behaviour is so rude and disrespectful.

They are giving you the message that your time and effort is unimportant and unless you put them straight I expect they will keep doing it.

Putting it back onto you saying 'oh but we're close so you understand' is bollocks. That's what people do when they are disregarding your feelings. I would give it a couple of days before responding, and say "well you can't be that sorry as this is becoming a regular feature, so maybe you shouldn't make plans you have little intention of keeping."

NancysGarden · 12/04/2009 20:32

And saying "we're close, you understand" smacks a little of emotional blackmail, no?

(Hey Sidge, how you doing )

Sidge · 12/04/2009 20:41

NancysGarden who are you?? Give me a clue!

BiscuitStuffer · 12/04/2009 20:56

As my gay friend would have replied - that's the third strike and you're out.

or 'one more strike and you're out'.

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 21:47

i replied to the original cancelling text with a sad face emoticon.

i have not replied to the "sorry" email. i don't want to reply yet because i am that upset with them.

piratecat, you have a very good point: if i get pissed off then i am at fault because we are so close i should be able to understand and be accepting of it.

madamdeathstare, the drinking and drugs have been out of control for some time now. we don't talk about it because it make me angry and i know that i would be hitting my head against a brick wall.

spider, i 100% appreciate that we are on different paths. joke is that they say that they love coming to see us because we are a "normal suburban family"!

muffinbaker, the meal was lovely, i ate and drank too much and i am now considering opening (another) bottle of wine. hic.

sidge you hit the nail on the head: our time and effort is less important than theirs. we are SO SO SO broke this month and things are only set to get worse (DH and i both self employed) and we spent money today on things we would not ordinarily have done. they also pleaded poverty but then went out on a fucking 10 hour binge

it certainly is emotional blackmail.

biscuit: the one more strike and you're out appeals to me.

i think i will also take a previous poster's advice and just get some pizzas if ever they do come over again.

i know that if i make a fuss they will bitch andmoan about me calling me an fucking this that and the other.

going to have another glass of wine......

OP posts:
diddy1 · 12/04/2009 22:02

TBH it happens all time to many people. People with no kids go out get leatherd and want to lie in bed all next day. I have many friends who do that and text to apologise. It doesn't really bother me that much. I remember the days when i used to go out all time and was wasted for days later.It depends what you had planned I suppose though i.e if you had bought food, cleaned house, changed plans for them.

WinkyWinkola · 12/04/2009 22:16

Thing is, if I were hungover, I'd LOVE someone to cook a lovely lunch for me. Smashing. Just the job.

BiscuitStuffer · 12/04/2009 22:19

I think thye just don't realise how much more organisation takes place once you have kids and that to see them at lunch time does in effect dictate your whole day and has to be planned in advance. I suppose the good thing is that they texted you early rather than an hour before lunch or mid morning - at least you had the chance to do soemthing else if you wanted to.

You could always be non committal about future dates and suggest they just give you a call on the day if they fancy meeting up?

I would be steaming myself - it's so rude.

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 22:22

diddy, we had gone to effort and spent money we would not ordinarily have spent (very broke with things set to get worse) and we planned to be at home because they were coming. so there was effort and expense on our side. the upsetting thing is that this is about the 3rd or 4th time they have cancelled for the same reason.

winky, not just alcohol hangover. he sent me a text at 6.20am. i had spoken to him at 8.20 last night to confirm and he was trashed already. must have been snorting too. fb says he feels rough today. no doubt.

the last time it happened they were very apologetic and when we made arrangements again i asked them please to keep the night before light so that they did not cancel.

we made these arrangements about a month ago.

OP posts:
diddy1 · 12/04/2009 22:22

As you said tho biscuitstuffer (wish I had some biscuits in house at moment!), people with no kids are sometimes on another planet in terms of time. They don't realise how difficult it is to organise the day. We have to be sympathetic in that sense i suppose.They prob won't change in this case either.

diddy1 · 12/04/2009 22:25

I know Numberfour but if they are sniffing they can get very selfish and not think of others and what effects cancelling has. It's no excuse i know but I have had same with family and on xmas day too and all due to effects of sniffing.It makes me so angry as well but they are on different planet.

Original poster
Numberfour · 12/04/2009 22:31

i think that that is the crux of the matter, diddy. it's not a case of disrespecting me and my family and our time, it is because they are coke heads.

simple, really.

OP posts:
diddy1 · 12/04/2009 22:36

Yes you are right Numberfour. Know many of the same type and they don't think of anyone else but themselves. As i said have members of my family into it and they are constantly letting me and my DC/DH/DM down. Got used to it now as it's gone on for years. You have to try not to invite them again and see if they make an effort. They do genuinely care for you though- that's the maddening thing

warthog · 12/04/2009 22:41

well i think you're within your rights to call it a day. you've already given them another (several) chances. maybe it's time they realized that they do have to take responsibility and what they do does affect others.

diddy1 · 12/04/2009 22:44

Thing is you can' call it a day when they mean so much to you. Can you?

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