at objecting at dp wanting me to pretend to be alcoholic (a hereditary illness)?

[Kirkers]

I need to be quite clear that he is 100% sure that I am not, although it is a difficult thing to deny because that is taken as confirmation. He goes to al anon and has used it for support through his divorce. He still wants to go and when i point out that this is quite offensive to me, he wants me pretend I have an alcohol problem. At wit's end. I would almost find it easier if he wasn't convinced that I'm not. Wouldn't this mean I would suffer from Munchausen's?

Well that just makes it all even weirder then, Snorbs. Clearly the OP's P has real issues with alcoholism so Al-Anon has failed to really help him then.

back to the "they are both nutters", or "OP is a closet alcoholic who refuses to admit to it" then.

Why the hell is everyone saying this doesn't make sense? It makes perfect sense. It's fucked up on the part of the OP's partner, but to imply the minute she talks about alcoholism in any form she must be an alcoholic and in denial is just ridiculous.

Admittedly she didn't help herself much by assuming everyone knew the difference between al-anon and AA, so everyone started off assuming the partner attending al-anon meant he was the alcoholic. She's not pissed, ffs. She just assumed people automatically knew what she was talking about.

He's just addicted to the attention, Kirkers. And that image you paint of him giving you soppy looks every time you say you don't want a second glass of wine - that would do anyone's head in. I do have to say though that if you go on like this, you will have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, because you'll end up overthinking every alcohol-related decision you make ("I fancy a second glass of wine, what does this mean? Does this make me a bad person?")

How "ex" is his wife? When did he leave? Are you his first relationship since?

Can I just chip in and say Snorbs has got it on the button.
I went to Al-Anon for many years, even after the alcoholic in my life -in my case, my dad - had died.
If the OP's partner still has issues from living with an alcoholic (even if the relationship is over) then Al-Anon is for him.
Suggest that he talks with his group about his concerns, even if it means 'fessing up about lying about the OP being an alcoholic. Any Al-Anon group worth its salt will still accept him and support him as he works through his issues.
I hope that the OP doesn't feel threatened by his need for support, in the case of living with an alcoholic, I've learnt that you can only be TRULY understood by people who have been in a similar situation. And in all the chaos, confusion, denial and fear of such a life where the alcoholic uses all their energy in not only deceiving themselves that they don't have a problem but in also trying to convince you that it's your problem, sometimes understanding is what you crave more than anything.
Good luck x

Have tears running down my face reading this. Hilarious!

sorry, have i missed something - what's so funny

Kirkers seems to be saying that dp wants her to attend AA, where she would be expected to give up alcohol, while he continues to attend Al Anon which is support for the partners of alcoholics.

What is not clear is dp's motive for this.

What is confusing about Kirkers's description of dp's motive is that there should be no crossover between the two groups and Al-Anon people should not know if OP was attending AA meetings or not.

If going to an AA meeting you would be pretending to a load of strangers who did not know your dp, so absolutely pointless in terms of dp's charade.

DP is either a quite unwell or he does genuinely think you have an alcohol problem.

If the first is true, Kirkers, I'm sorry.

If the second scenario is true, we're very much not helping you by saying dp is a nut job.

Sorry Aphrodite, this post by OnePieceOfEgg and others, got me laughing:

"Sorry if this sounds disrespectful but I had a little chuckle about how kirkers could "pretend" to be an alcoholic. Would she have to make it really obvious i.e stagger past the room where the Al Anon group is meeting shouting abuse at her dp and waving a bottle of cheap vodka?? Surely her dp and his more than anyone would realise that people with alcohol related problems often don't present as having an obvious problem."

Its all a bit daft.

many a true word said in jest

Kirkers - this is all mad! Al Anon - as I expect you know - is a support group for those affected by alcoholic parents/children/partners etc but like AA it is confidential so you would never say who the alcoholic is. btw your partner could carry going on to Al Anon for ever as far as they are concerned. I know plenty of people who have long dead alcoholic parents but carry on going because alcoholism still affects their lives. AA is for recovering alcoholics who have usually totally stopped drinking and it is the main support of their recovery. I would expect an alcoholic would spot someone pretending to be one a mile off!! Alcoholism can be hereditary but that is not the most common cause. Also, just about every alcoholic I know calls themself an alcie!! It is the normal/affectionate term of reference. My DH is a long term recovering alcie who is very much involved in AA so I do know what I am talking about.

Kirkers - you don't make much sense, I still don't understand the problem.

Do you not want him to go to al alon anymore? Why is it offensive to you that he goes?

And, forget about Fight Club, its really not going to help with this situation

Your DP does not need to have an alcoholic partner in order to go to Alanon meetings. It could an alcoholic parent, sibling, distant realtive or friend or no-one. I have heard of people going with no alcoholics amongst their friends or family but attending meetings to work on the same behaviour traits found in partners of alcoholics.

LOL

windup, surely

Odd that old thread of Kirkers should resurface this way... odd that Snailfiddlers who seems to be brand new to MN and keen on AlAnon should bring it back to life.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/903392-to-consider-aa-a-dangerous-cult

Have you read this thread and the orange paper and looked behind you.

If his marriage breakdown/divorce was related to his ex's drinking, and he still has unresolved issues becuase of it, then I don't see that he would need you to pretend to be an alcoholic - his original reason for attending is still valid. However, some other form of counselling might be more appropriate as he does sound dependant?

Out of interest, how long have you been together? I ask because if he is still actively working through issues over his ex, that might be quite tough for you as his current partner. Is it possible that this might be inflaming the situation?

Is it also possible that he is in some way addicted to the 'drama' - I'm not being flippant, but my family had a couple of alcoholics in it, and we were rife with co-dependancy issues. Living with an alcoholic is incredibly hard and his marriage was probably quite chaotic - he would have become used to living on an emotional rollercoaster and also used to supporting an alcoholic - even if he hated her being so. It can be quite hard to readjust and I wonder if his deep attachment to Al-Anon is not in some way a mechanism for maintaining the emotional status quo that he is used to (iyswim?)

CantSupinate well I was led here after other people referred to it on the other thread. Why is that strange? I don't know MN protocols for this sort of thing (bringing threads back to life?) so thought I would post what was relevant to this thread on this thread.

I haven't encountered this thread before but, like I say was led here intrigued by the other thread

Normally it's best to let sleeping threads lie snail

I was on this one too, in a previous incarnation, I knew I remembered teh scenario with kirkers.

ImSoNotTelling thanks for that, would undo it if I could

Never mind eh!

All fun and games.