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Original poster

at objecting at dp wanting me to pretend to be alcoholic (a hereditary illness)?

94 replies

Kirkers · 11/04/2009 21:15

I need to be quite clear that he is 100% sure that I am not, although it is a difficult thing to deny because that is taken as confirmation. He goes to al anon and has used it for support through his divorce. He still wants to go and when i point out that this is quite offensive to me, he wants me pretend I have an alcohol problem. At wit's end. I would almost find it easier if he wasn't convinced that I'm not. Wouldn't this mean I would suffer from Munchausen's?

OP posts:
poshwellies · 11/04/2009 22:04

Yes totally agree with idrank and primrose..

If he continues to get solace within the Al anon group,then why does he feel the need to drag you into it with blatant lies? He is allowed to be there surely?

And if he still needs support,why can't he get one to one counselling if needs be.

I really hope this isn't a piss take.

Idranktheeasterspirits · 11/04/2009 22:04

i'm ok flight. Just not very tolerant on certain subjects. Thank you though.

dittany · 11/04/2009 22:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snorbs · 11/04/2009 22:15

I used to go to Al-Anon regularly and I still keep in touch with some friends I made there. I've never witnessed any pressure being put on anyone attending to justify their attendance. The only real "qualification" to attendance is that one has, or had, some form of relationship with someone who had a drink problem.

I can totally understand someone starting off at Al-Anon because they're in a relationship with an alcoholic, and then continuing to attend for a long time after the immediate issue is resolved (however that transpires). A lot of the conversation is nothing directly to do with alcoholism but, rather, to do with personal development and with learning healthier ways of dealing with life's problems.

From an Al-Anon point of view, I cannot understand Kirker's DP trying to persuade her to pretend to be an alcoholic. If he wanted to continue attending even though he's not still in an active relationship with an alcoholic, there's nothing stopping him. If Al-Anon's helping him in his life then he'd always be welcome.

I can't help but wonder if DP has already hinted that Kirker has a drink problem and he's now trying to shore up the lie.

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/04/2009 22:31

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Original poster
Kirkers · 11/04/2009 22:43

No forked tongue. When I say it is a hereditary disease I am quoting from AL An literature. I don't know if it is or not. I know it is serious and nothing to make fun of AT ALL. I just know that he likes going to talk about life and he genuinely wants me to be one. Exactly, Idrink, it is f ing insulting to people who are there because they want to give up alcohol. Exactly; lurkers. It is an addiction of his. I gather that the mainly female members think he is wonderful as the only man there. I don't feel threatened by that because they tend to be wives and mothers. AS I said, if I had nothing big on my mind I would post about Boden dresses or overpriced blenders. If the same syndrome is in the plot of Fight Club, which I haven't seen, it must have happened before. Does the mn who attended al anon have any more insight?

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 11/04/2009 22:49

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dittany · 11/04/2009 22:52

This reply has been deleted

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Shambolic · 11/04/2009 22:56

Kirkers when you say "he genuinely wants me to be one" that sounds all wrong.

Does he wish you were alcoholic so that he would be able to play the role that he played with his ex?

This really is all wrong and very odd.

Original poster
Kirkers · 11/04/2009 23:26

Here is the note I wrote when he suggested this.
1 If I pretend to have a disease I don't have, then I do have Munchausen's syndrome?
2 What if I decide I don't want to pretend anymore? Will that mean I am in denial?
Must I keep this up forever?
3 Is it a good idea to encourage me to pretend I have a disease? Is it good for ME of Good For You?

I tried to sleep just now but felt too furious to speak or sleep iykwim. Thanks. I now feel as though I am in a group of strangers and now I will exit, blundering into a broom cupboard. Time for quiet little think.

OP posts:
Shambolic · 11/04/2009 23:30

Kirkers are you OK?

I am a bit worried about you.

You aren't making much sense and i don;t want you to think that people aren't trying to help. We are, it's just hard when you are evasive and difficult to follow.

For eg if my DH said "I want you to pretend to be alcoholic so I can go to al-anon" i would simply say "what are you on about, you are talking rubbish". I wouldn't write notes about munchausens...

i hope you feel better in the morning.

Snorbs · 11/04/2009 23:31

There could be any number of reasons why he is so keen to continue attending. Someone who's been in a close, long-term relationship with an alcoholic can end up unsure of what "normal" is any more. It's a roller-coaster of chaos and drama. Also, a lot of alcoholics are abusive to their nearest and dearest and any abusive relationship can severely dent your self-confidence etc. Al-Anon can help with all that.

Another possibility is that someone who has got a lot out of Al-Anon when they were in crisis may want to give something back. Al-Anon meetings don't have leaders or counsellors; they're just a bunch of people with alcoholics in their lives. It relies on there being people at the more advanced stages to give hope and direction to the newbies.

On the other hand, I can believe that some people could get hung up on the victimhood of being with an alcoholic (and, thereby, enjoying the sympathy and support) without seeing the point of Al-Anon being about getting past that. But, again, in my experience of Al-Anon, if someone is obviously just wallowing in self-pity and not doing anything productive about it, they will be (gently) challenged about their choices.

I'd be very loath to suggest that anyone should stop attending Al-Anon (or any other support group) if they are genuinely getting something out of it. But someone claiming that they need to have an active alcoholic in their life to continue attending Al-Anon is simply not true and raises all sorts of questions.

ScottishThistle · 11/04/2009 23:35

Very confusing indeed, dp wants you to pretend to be an alcoholic so he can go to Al-Anon?

I agree, your dp needs counselling.

dittany · 11/04/2009 23:39

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbbunny · 11/04/2009 23:42

OP - either you or your P or both of you need to look at this site for co-dependents anonymous. He is obviously "hooked" on his Al-Anon group, perhaps a different group might help him to see that his other fixation is not a healthy one. You might want to consider it to work out why the hell you are staying with someone who wants you to live a ridiculous charade for no good reason.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 11/04/2009 23:43

I have had a bit of trouble getting my head round this thread and can see two possible explanations.

  1. The OP's DP is a self-obsessed manipulative abuser who is, for reasons of his own, keen to convince her that she actually does have a drink problem (he may want custody of the children, to get his hands on her money, or simply to get some justification for throwing her out)
  2. The OP does have a drink problem and is in denial about it, and the partner is trying, a bit ineptly, to get her to acknowledge it. The thing that made me wonder about this is the OP saying that, to 'pretend to be an alcoholic' she must never drink again, which struck me as wierd.
themoon66 · 11/04/2009 23:46

Kirky - read OP and a few replies.

Your DP is a fucking nutter.

But I'm sure you know that

QuintessentialShadow · 11/04/2009 23:46

Kirkers, are you drunk? Are you already in denial? Is your dp going to al-anon because he HAS currently a partner who is suffering from alcoholism, and he is trying to make you realize it?

thumbbunny · 11/04/2009 23:47

SGB - I think he wants her to pretend to be a recovering alcoholic who obviously can never have a drink.

thumbbunny · 11/04/2009 23:49

SGB - I think he wants her to pretend to be a recovering alcoholic who obviously can never have a drink.

Actually - that might make sense - if he can pretend that he is supporting her through her alcohol recovery it could be making him look like a "hero" to the rest of his Al-anon group - any "relapse" on her part would be a failure of his support - does that make sense to anyone apart from me?

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 11/04/2009 23:50

Thumbbunny - yeah, but who would she be pretending to? Given that AA meetings are anonymous. If he were the alcoholic he might find it necessary for his recovery that she doesn't drink in his presence I suppose.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/04/2009 23:54

It is the OPs words that she has to pretend to be alcoholic. In her mind she isnt. But in her dhs mind? Maybe HE actually really thinks she is an alcoholic?

thumbbunny · 11/04/2009 23:57

SGB I think it is all for him - it is for him to believe his own fabrication so that he can say to his fellow Al-Anon-ers - See how well I am supporting my DP who no longer drinks and he would find it easier to maintain that pretence IF she actually does it.
That's my reading of it - either that or she is drunk and they are both nutcases.

Snorbs · 12/04/2009 00:06

thumbbunny, the core point of Al-Anon is to beat it into the attendees' skulls that there is nothing you can realistically do to start, stop or otherwise control someone else's drinking. And that, moreover, to even try will end up driving you nuts.

As a result you don't get brownie points for being able to say "I'm successfully stopping my DP from drinking". Say that, and you'll get questions along the lines of "Why is their drinking still so important to you? What your DP does is your DP's responsibility. What's going on in your life?"

Al-Anon isn't about getting an alcoholic to stop drinking. It's about stopping an alcoholic's drinking (and other drink-related behaviour) from overwhelming your own life.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 12/04/2009 00:08

Thumbbunny: Yeah, that could be it. He could be hung up on being a martyr and need to have someone in the frame to blame everything on, as well.