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AIBU?

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Original poster

at objecting at dp wanting me to pretend to be alcoholic (a hereditary illness)?

94 replies

Kirkers · 11/04/2009 21:15

I need to be quite clear that he is 100% sure that I am not, although it is a difficult thing to deny because that is taken as confirmation. He goes to al anon and has used it for support through his divorce. He still wants to go and when i point out that this is quite offensive to me, he wants me pretend I have an alcohol problem. At wit's end. I would almost find it easier if he wasn't convinced that I'm not. Wouldn't this mean I would suffer from Munchausen's?

OP posts:
onepieceofcremeegg · 11/04/2009 21:37

Ultimately he has to decide what is more important to him.

  1. His relationship with you and whether he is prepared to treat you with consideration and respect (doesn't sound like he is treating you very well atm) Sorry if that sounds harsh

or

  1. Is his relationship with these other group members more important? (regardless of whether he has the "right" to be attending Al-Anon)

btw Please don't refer to them as alkies.

Not only does he have these choices, you do too. If he seems intent on living in the past ruminating over his divorce and wanting to spent lots of time with this group, perhaps he is not the right dp for you?

dittany · 11/04/2009 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shambolic · 11/04/2009 21:38

This was the thing in Fight Club...

Seriously - the main character was going to a different support group each night and pretending to have all sorts of conditions as he enjoyed the groups/they filled a gap in his life.

Maybe this is a recognised condition in itself? It can be quite difficult indeed to break away from these nurturing and supportive environments when you no longer need them.

I agree with onepiece. If he feels the need for this type of support and caring environment could he get it from counselling - which would in turn mean that he could tackle what's going on?

Or does he want the support to be not about him but about someone else - his ex/you - if so that is rather more complex...

Original poster
Kirkers · 11/04/2009 21:39

sorry, one piece of egg, about alkie; I agree. But I feel that I am the only person who is allowed to say it. Yes, it is offensive term. Alcoholism is a serious, hereditary disease.

OP posts:
flightoftheeasterbunyip · 11/04/2009 21:39

This doesn't make much sense, sorry if it's just me.

Can you maybe use bullet points and start from the beginning?

onepieceofcremeegg · 11/04/2009 21:40

Sorry if this sounds disrespectful but I had a little chuckle about how kirkers could "pretend" to be an alcoholic. Would she have to make it really obvious i.e stagger past the room where the Al Anon group is meeting shouting abuse at her dp and waving a bottle of cheap vodka?? Surely her dp and his more than anyone would realise that people with alcohol related problems often don't present as having an obvious problem.

Original poster
Kirkers · 11/04/2009 21:41

Must see Fight Club. That rings true.
Must go and listen to emergency PG Wodehouse to calm down....

OP posts:
Daffodingles2 · 11/04/2009 21:42

why do you feel you are the only person allowed to say it kirkers? That sounds very odd imo

poshwellies · 11/04/2009 21:43

eh? Confuddled....

onepieceofcremeegg · 11/04/2009 21:43

flight, in a nutshell (I think)

Kirker's dp was married and his exw was alcohol dependent so he started to attend Al-Anon. He got loads of support and felt very accepted by the group.

He is now divorced and with kirkers. However he wants to keep going to Al-Anon but feels that in some way he needs to justify his attendance by getting her to say/prove that she is an alcoholic (she is not, nor does he believe that she is)

He sounds very insecure. He is clearly getting psychological support from the group to the detriment of his current relationship.

He (imo) is unable to move on. He is more concerned about getting ongoing support from Al-Anon than his current relationship, which is why (imo) he needs counselling.

Kirkers also has to decide if she is prepared to accept his behaviour.

dittany · 11/04/2009 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

patspeed · 11/04/2009 21:44

I,m lost, is anyone actually an alcoholic?

onepieceofcremeegg · 11/04/2009 21:45

her dp's ex wife was alcohol dependent (I think)

dittany · 11/04/2009 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtalljosie · 11/04/2009 21:46

YANBU. Good grief.

To suggest you should have to attend AA, to suggest you lie about having alcoholism in front of other alcoholics, to suggest it's OK that he makes up stuff about your pretend alcoholism so he can carry on seeking sympathy and support from al-anon...

Bollocks to that.

Tell him unequivocally no, and you will not have this conversation again. It shows a lack of respect, not only for you, but also for everyone at the AA and al-anon groups he wishes to deceive.

If he can't keep going because he's still working through issues with his ex-wife, then he needs (as other posters rightly say) his own counselling. And (forgive me) you need to have a think about what even making the request means about his attitude towards you.

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 11/04/2009 21:46

Thanks Onepiece but OP is posting in extremely odd manner and as Dittany says why would she need to pretend to anyone/

i'm giving up on this, sadly...

onepieceofcremeegg · 11/04/2009 21:47

Yes I am giving up now too. I have said enough I think. I wish op all the best and hope she resolves this with her dp.

coolma · 11/04/2009 21:48

This is hideously offensive and really rather pathetic. Being an alcoholic is not a 'joke' not something you can just 'pretend to be'. It is (rude word) horrible. I think the man is sick.

Shambolic · 11/04/2009 21:48

Fight club is a great film . I like it anyway. Bit violent but Brad Pitt takes his top off a lot

If your DH is asking you to pretend to be alcoholic then that is a very unreasonable request. It's just bizarre. And like others have said, you don't have to produce a drunk partner to attend these groups.

Onepiece is talking a lot of sense.

foxinsocks · 11/04/2009 21:50

I don't think you need to worry about his behaviour insulting alcoholics (which isn't necessarily a hereditary illness I'll have you know) as most alcoholics have more to worry about than mentally ill people addicted to support for the families of alcoholics .

In fact, I don't even think it's a bad thing if he still needs their support but wanting you to pretend to be alcoholic and actually go to AA meetings is not exactly quite all with it and you need to put your foot down.

Can't see why he can't carry on going esp if his ex was an alcoholic.

He is obv ashamed that he still needs to go and wants you to somehow justify it by being an 'alcoholic' which is probably a whole mental illness of its own .

If I was you, I'd have a chat to the counsellor that runs his support group. Just tell them that he obviously still needs their support but that you aren't an alcoholic and could they perhaps steer him to some more appropriate support or bear this in mind (without revealing it to him at first).

Original poster
Kirkers · 11/04/2009 21:51

egg, its worse, to pretend to be alcoholic would mean NEVER drinking and going around helping other people to give up forever. And getting congratulations for not drinking. I think that to go to al-anon you do need an alcohlic partner. THEY DON'T DISCUSS ALCHOL. THEY DISCUSS LIFE THINGS. HE ADMITS HE GETS A LOT OF SUPPORT AND THEREFORE HE NEEDS AN ALCOHOLIC P AND HE HASN'T GOT ONE, WHICH HE FREELY ADMITS.
If it made sense, or was simple, I would be posting about confused old men in Lidl.

I wouldn't actually mind never drinking again, but I don't want to not drink again in order for him to go to his alocholic support group.

What happened at the end of Fight Club? It does feel like that.

OP posts:
PrimroseHall · 11/04/2009 21:56

Having an alcoholic ex-wife is good enough reason to continue attending Al Anon meetings. There is no need for any ridiculous charades ( at onepiece's idea).

As a recovering alcoholic who used to attend AA, it is absolutely not on for non-alcoholics to lurk in on meetings to fulfil the twisted needs of their partner. Frankly I'd be fucking livid if I found out that there had been a 'poser' at any of the meetings I attended.

Putting your DP's weird ideas aside Kirkers, do you object to him continuing to attend meetings? Alcohol dependancy affects everyone involved to varying degrees. There's nothing wrong with him continuing to get support for as long as he wants to. He mustn't lie to his fellow members though.

Idranktheeasterspirits · 11/04/2009 21:57

I think the op sounds pissed tbh.

Alchoholism is not a serious hereditary disease, if you want to start some cryptic bollocks thread at least try to refrain from spouting pc shite.

Dp is an alchoholic, i don't find this thread very funny and i don't have any sympathy either.

If your partners ex was an alchoholic then he needs no justification for continuing to attend al-anon. And ffs of course they don't just talk about alchohol, the support is wide ranging, we dont just tally up how many units the family alchoholic has done this week.

I think it is sad that your partner feels ashamed for seeking support.

Shambolic · 11/04/2009 21:57

So the partner has to go as well and everyone sits around sympathising?

Of course you can't go along with it it's ridiculous.

In the film, the bit which sounds like your DH is at the beginning, it moves on from there. It all gets a bit odd...

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 11/04/2009 21:58

Idrank I didn't like to say that but fully agree

sorry it's brought stuff up for you.

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