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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel a play date because of dd's behaviour today?

72 replies

milkysallgone · 08/04/2009 15:00

She is 4. We have just come back from playing at a friend's house and dd was fine up until just before we left. We had the worst behaviour I have ever seen from dd! I had to physically manhandle her to the car as she was violently attacking me!

We are supposed to meet up with another friend tomorrow. Should I hold firm and cancel? I also feel really bad letting the friend's dd down.

OP posts:

louii · 08/04/2009 15:02

Di she have something to eat or drink there that she would not normally have?

doobry · 08/04/2009 15:04

If you told her it was getting cancelled then cancel it you must. If you don't then such threats will never hold any water.

basementbear · 08/04/2009 15:05

I think it can be really hard to leave a "punishment" till the next day - if she remembers that she is supposed to play with her friend tomorrow, she might not remember the reason she is not allowed to IYSWIM. But, if you have already told her the playdate is cancelled I think you have to stick to your guns.

Can you do something else instead, like remove a toy for the rest of the day, or say no TV or something more immediate so that she gets the message that the "punishment" is related to the behaviour that was not acceptable?

giantkatestacks · 08/04/2009 15:05

if you told her that the playdate was off tomorrow then its off, otherwise you could go ahead I reckon but with a big talk beforehand (along the lines of how you felt when you left x's house yesterday and if that happens again then we wont be able to go round to peoples houses etc).

giantkatestacks · 08/04/2009 15:06

damn my slow typing...

Original poster

milkysallgone · 08/04/2009 15:09

No unusual foods..ooh although there was some juice (think it was fresh orange though).

I'm not really into the whole punishment thing tbh which is why I suppose I'm struggling with this. That said there is no way I can let her think this is acceptable!

Do you think I should be honest with dd's friend's Mom and explain exactly why I'm cancelling?

OP posts:

IcantbelieveImForty · 08/04/2009 15:13

she may have been over excited & hungry ? My dd plays up terribly if she is either of the above. An oatcake shoved in her mouth usually does the trip. Can you explain that her behaviour was bad, that it mustn't happen again & for you to keep your eye on her getting overexcited & hungry. When I say hungry, I mean blood sugar dipping, which turns mine into a monster. A banana later & butter doesn't melt.

ellingwoman · 08/04/2009 15:14

The other dd will think she's being punished as well

Original poster

milkysallgone · 08/04/2009 15:17

She had a decent lunch there so can't see it being hunger. You know my usual tactic would be to discuss it later, explaining why it was wrong etc; but I can't help feeling that she has really gone beyond that ( she really actually bloody hurt me!), and that if I let this go...

I am just so shocked - and a bit worried, that she was so violent.

OP posts:

JustCallMeGoat · 08/04/2009 15:22

some form of bad behavious at the end of play dates is de rigeur at this age. did you give her lots of warning that you were going to leave? i.e. 'after this game we are going to put our coats on etc'. also prepare her before going to a friends that you will have to leave and explain how it will happen etc etc.

it is a pain i would go tomorrow and try and manage the situation.

dd is fairly good now aged 5 but will still hide when it is time to leave.

giantkatestacks · 08/04/2009 15:23

Milky - once you have discounted all the possible explanations - pain, illness, bullying then you are just left with the behaviour itself and imo there needs to be both discussing it later - explaining how it made you feel and asking her to think about it etc but also, I'm afraid, a punishment ie no playdate tomorrow.

If that is a punishment of course - mine would rather stay in with my undivided attention than go on a playdate but thats by the by.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 08/04/2009 15:24

I hardly punish dd1 3.8 because she's normally very good, because like you I'd rather explain, because it seems to harsh at time, because it feels a punishment on the other girl etc.
However once she did go over the top (no hitting me which would be really OTT!) and I did punish her by not going somewhere. Well it did hit home allright.
It also worked because in the future I only had to mention that when mummy says something it's a rule for her to get it and calm down.

True about lack of food turning them into monsters, so that could be a lesson for the mum for the future if that was the case. still I do not think hitting a parent should ever be allowed.

giantkatestacks · 08/04/2009 15:25

oh and agree with justcallmegoat as well - early warnings always needed when it comes to leaving as well as the caveat that if leaving doesnt go well then there will be consequences.

The violence is something else though and needs to be addressed separately - theres hiding and then theres violence iyswim.

Original poster

milkysallgone · 08/04/2009 15:27

I actually want to go tomorrow thats the thing.

If she had had a meltdown because it was time to go (been there many times), it's more understandable; this seemed to come from nowhere though. She started ranting and shouting at everyone "you're all stupid" (current favourite naughty word) which then culminated in a full blown attack on me!

OP posts:

princessmel · 08/04/2009 15:30

I have done this before. But the playdate was for that afternoon.
I had discovered ds had been naughty at school and it was quite serious. So I said he couldn't go to his friends after school. I explained to the mum and she was fine with it.
I did feel sorry for the friend but I couldn't let him have a lovely treat after the behaviour.

If you have told her that it is cancelled then you need to stick to that.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 08/04/2009 15:32

I often do not like give such punishments because like you I want to go. However if you've said it really there's no way out of this one. Does she want to go as much as you? My dd1 is not fussed normally so giving such punishment could be quite counterproductive. If she does than you must as she'll understand the consequence of her behaviour. Do not replace it with something equally enjoyable (as I'd be tempted to).
If she doesn't then go and find something that she'll miss.

oh gosh I sound quite evil... sorry but I cannot axcept children hitting in general let alone adults.

Hulababy · 08/04/2009 15:38

I'd stil go for the play date (a) because you want to go and (b) not fair on the other child, who will miss out as a result.

However I do think you should have a chat with your DD today about her behaviour. Make it clear that her behaviour was not acceptable and that if it happenes again xyz will happen. I'd keep the punishmnt to being almost immediate and def same day.

Did you actually tell her she couldn't go tomorrow? If yes, then all is not lost - think of some way she can earn back the right to go.

doobry · 08/04/2009 15:40

You can always get the friend a little (and I mean little) something to say sorry for not being able to go, but I'm sure the other Mum will totally understand if you explain.

Could your DD be coming down with something? That can bring on dubious behaviour I find. However, while all these reasons may make difficult behaviour more likely, they don't make it any more acceptable. It's just knowing triggers for you to look out for in future to help avoid it happening.

I do think that missing a playdate is probably a good consequence of behaving badly on a previous one. You could explain it in terms of not being able to trust her to behave well in other people's homes/around friends/whatever. Then she can directly relate the consequence to the action. At the age of 4 she certainly should be able to remember an outburst like that the next day to be able to make the connection. It would be different if you were dealing with a toddler.

Original poster

milkysallgone · 08/04/2009 15:44

I told her we weren't going in the car on the way home. I have been giving her the cold treatment since then. I'm afraid I've just burst into tears in front of dd .

She was really concerned and tender and then started crying too . I've never seen her like that, she's usually all bravado. Feel crappy now poor thing!

OP posts:

katiestar · 08/04/2009 15:46

YABU it is very unfair to the other child .I don't think you should inonvenience /disappoint another family and i don't think it is right to teach your DD that you can mess other people about like that.It is fine to back track on something you have said in the heat of the moment as long as you explain why.Do you want your kids to think people can never change their mind if they make a wrong decision
I would explain to your DD you are not cancelling out of respect for the other child , but if she doesn't leave the playdate in an appropriate manner the family might well never invite her back again.

Original poster

milkysallgone · 08/04/2009 15:46

think showing her the splinter I managed to get under my nail when bowling her out of the garden gate has upset her quite a bit

OP posts:

giantkatestacks · 08/04/2009 15:54

I disagree actually katiestar - just because it shows children that their actions can hurt other people as well as themselves - ie shes lost out, mums been hurt and the other girl is upset as well.

I dont think you can backtrack as well - its a good lesson in thinking before you say something. Manys the time that I wish I hadnt said - 'right thats not tv for you this afternoon' doh.[slaps forehead]

Hulababy · 08/04/2009 15:56

Find a way so that she can earn back going - then you get to go and her friend isn't let down.

4y isn't very big really and her poor friend is the one who will lose out most IMO, which doesn't seem fair. And by timorrow your 4y might have forgotten what even happened today anyay - well to what extent it happened.

Nekabu · 08/04/2009 16:02

As you've said it's cancelled, then it's cancelled. Can you reschedule on the QT though? I'm sure the other mum will understand!

LIZS · 08/04/2009 16:03

I think you have to be more immediate with the punishment ie today's tv , ice cream whatever. She is still little enoguh that consequences can't be too far ahead or they lose impact.

Tomorrow is another day but make it quite clear before you go out that at any hint of a repeat of the behaviour you will leave immediately whether she is ready or not. Make sure you give plenty of warning that you are leaving. ie with 15 mins to go say it is time ot start tidying up, then 5 minutes lets hget our shoes etc and stick to it . No prevarication or delay tactics, even if you put her in the car with no shoes on . Might be worth ringing the other mum today and saying what has happened in case you need to curtail it tomorrow. Maybe you could even rearrange it for another day if she prefers and can offer her dd an alternative activity.

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