Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a play date because of dd's behaviour today?

72 replies

milkysallgone · 08/04/2009 15:00

She is 4. We have just come back from playing at a friend's house and dd was fine up until just before we left. We had the worst behaviour I have ever seen from dd! I had to physically manhandle her to the car as she was violently attacking me!

We are supposed to meet up with another friend tomorrow. Should I hold firm and cancel? I also feel really bad letting the friend's dd down.

OP posts:
Spidermama · 08/04/2009 16:07

I wouldn't cancel the playdate but I WOULD have a serious chat with her beforehand about the expected behaviour at leaving time. You may already know this but it's always best to talk kids down when it's time to leave (eg; 'OK we're leaving in ten minutes. Right ... five more minutes then we're leaving...etc)
Kids hate just being told, when they're right in the middle of something, 'RIGHT time to go NOW.' I find they'll often kick off and rightly so. They need to prepare for the change.

Latchley · 08/04/2009 16:22

My DS often used to behave SO badly before parties and playdates. He just didn't seem to be able to handle anticipation and excitement, and would rev himself up into such a state that we also found ourselves in the situation you describe. I hosted several playdates where I ended up playing with angel guest child while DS cooled down in his bedroom!

In the end I found that it was better never to tell him in advance if something nice was planned, whether it be a day trip, playdate, party or holiday! People thought we were really strange, but it worked for us and we were able to enjoy these outings in a much calmer and relaxed way.

IcantbelieveImForty · 08/04/2009 16:38

wanted to add that having a big lunch doesn't mean that she won't have a blood sugar dip. These send me loopy AND my 5 1/2 year old. A snack no later than a couple of hours after lunch, does make a considerable difference.

My DD has been 'made' to eat a banana because I could feel her losing it. She's off to a party, without me, so hoping this does this trick until teatime.

Runoutofideas · 08/04/2009 16:53

I had this today for the first time too with DD1 (just turned 4). She was being awful - hanging onto her friend's toys, coat, head (!) etc. After my normal attempts at trying to stop her failed dismally I tried saying to her "are you cross because it's time for E to go?" she calmed down a bit and almost seemed pleased that I'd sussed it out then waved goodbye nicely. I think it's just that they want to carry on playing and can't express their feelings well enough.

mistlethrush · 08/04/2009 16:59

Out of interest, I apparently used to behave just like this after parties - it wasn't until I was a bit bigger (5) that my parents discovered that I was allergic to chocolate and it turned me into a monster. So thinkgs to eat that are not normally on the menu could do this to a child.... (not saying it did this time)

procrastinatingparent · 08/04/2009 17:00

As a complete stranger said to me in the supermarket when DD was having a tantrum: Don't back down. Bad behaviour has consequences. She is old enough to remember tomorrow what happened today and why she is not going.

And next time have a punishment for her up your sleeve that doesn't punish you or anyone else too.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/04/2009 17:25

if you have threatened her with not going tomorrow then you have to carry it out

never make a threat that you arent going to carry out

always make a threat that doesnt bugger up your own plans - ie no tv, take away fav toy, no sweets for a week etc

it is unfair on other child and the other mum may be a bit annoyed that her day and plans have been ruined/cancelled

Acinonyx · 08/04/2009 17:44

I never have punishments that punish me probably even more - and cancelling a playdate would punish me too much!

If you've said though - you're done for. Think of something else next time!

Blu · 08/04/2009 17:52

I would be really fed up if a friend cancelled a meet-up with me, and / or DS, as a punishment. It messes your friend around, and deprives her child of a play.

everGreensleeves · 08/04/2009 17:59

I think she's been "punished" enough (more of a natural consequence really) by seeing that you are really upset and that she hurt you. She cried, didn't she, about that? So IMO the thing to do would be to have a big cuddle and talk about tempers and how scary they are, and how we all have them, and we need to learn to control ourselves - and that you reacted with the big punishment because YOU were angry and didn't know what to do, just as she did when she hit you. Then agree to call it quits and try to do better tomorrow. That's what I'd do.

justaboutback · 08/04/2009 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChippingIn · 08/04/2009 18:07

OMG I can't believe how many of you think that a punishment the next day is OTT and too far away for a 4 year old. It's not, now way.

As for it punishing the other little girl, it's a good lesson for her too 'So & So was naughty yesterday, so she's not allowed to come and play today. What would you like to do instead?'... no harm there!

OP - do you have anything else you would like to do that she's a bit ho-hum with? So you can get out and she doesn't get a different treat??

Don't feel bad - she was very naughty, you dealt with it, you gave her a consequence of her actions - you didn't lock her in the cupboard under the stairs!!!

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 08/04/2009 20:35

I agree with ChippingIn at 4 they can well remember a punishmenet for what happened the day before! They go to school at 4 FGS!

mumtolawyer · 08/04/2009 22:42

My dd has been on the other end of this. I totally agreed with the other parent. DD was miserable and let her friend know just what she thought of it (Parent and I agreed that my DD should be allowed to tell friend how upset she was). It had a very salutary effect on both of them - the threat of the same again has generally kept behaviour within bounds.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2009 10:06

milkysallgone - are you seeing your friend today?

and yes agree with chippingin - a next day punishment isnt too harsh - 4 is quite old enough to know they did wrong, and esp as you said it was the WORST behaviour you have ever seen from your dd

you cant threatened something and not carry it out - so always choose something that wont effect you

FrannyandZooey · 09/04/2009 10:12

i agree with those who have said this is obviously not good behaviour, but quite within normal range for this age group
they don't behnave perfectly all the time any more than we do

OP you don't have to do punishments to teach about good behaviour
talking and explaining is fine, and showing how people behave nicely to each other will help your dd learn (ie that we forgive mistakes and don't 'sulk' and carry on giving the cold shoulder for ages afterwards, plus that we change our minds if we realise we are wrong)

this method may not work immediately, but in the long term has a positive effect on your relationship rather than the negative that punishments and behaving well out of fear can bring
it is also nicer for both of you, rather than being cross or scared with each other

telling her you are upset and that it isn't ok to behave like that, is all that is needed imo

Gorionine · 09/04/2009 10:24

Two days ago me and 4dcs were on our way to the library (1 1/2 mile walk) Ds3 who is nearly 5 had a massive tantrum about something very trivial. I have tried to reason with him for 5minutes and than maded the decision that we were going back home because there was absolutly NO WAY he was going to be rewarded for his behaviour with something fun. He screamed all the way back home because he was not too happy with my decision.

Ater a couple of hours when things had settled down, he came to give me a kiss and say sorry for his behaviour in the morning. You know what I was feeling very bad becaue his behaviour had "deprived" his siblings from story time and craft in the library but it was well worth it! I am pretty sure that he will not play me this way in a hurry! And I know for a fact that the other 3 survived/got over the "ordeal".

I think it is not always easy but once you threaten about something you have to follow through. FWIW I think your friend will understand your reasons.

FrannyandZooey · 09/04/2009 10:34

"once you threaten about something you have to follow through"

you see i do disagree with this
i agree that yes in general we need to be clear and firm and set boundaries and consistency really helps
BUT
if you have made a daft threat or a harsh decision while in the middle of dealing with a tantrum, it is fine imo to later say "well now i have calmed down, i see that i made a mistake and that what i said wasn't fair."

do you want your children to learn to be flexible and admit they made mistakes? or do you want them to be stubborn and unable to change their minds when they have thought things through a bit better

IMO if you are questioning a punishment, it probably is not the right thing to do

and behaving like reasonable human beings to one another is so much more pleasant, and in the long term, productive, than this model where the adult is the total authority and is allowed to behave as unreasonably and harshly as they want to, in order to "teach" (punish) the children about good behaviour

Gorionine · 09/04/2009 10:43

Well if the "punishment" (I prefer to see it as "consequence" myself)is really dispropotionate I would go back on it. In OP's case, I do not think she was over reacting, I if you had seen my DS behaviour yesterday you probably would not think I was either.

I prefer to go for the "Now YOU have calmed down we can do something fun!" rather than "Now I have calmed down" as I was perfectly calm when I made the decision in the first place.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 09/04/2009 10:54

Agree you can change you mind 'if you have made a daft threat'. But not just because you don't want to be deprived of the fun and want to go to the playdate.

agree with gorionine. also because the other children might learn from it themselves.
Also punishment IMO means 'that we forgive mistakes and don't 'sulk' and carry on giving the cold shoulder for ages afterwards'. The punishment is not going to the playdate. everything else stays the same, there's no need to sulk or be upset. Just learn that there's ONE consequence for ONE action.

also punishments does not mean one cannot change one's mind.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 09/04/2009 10:55

x-post gorionine!

Nekabu · 09/04/2009 11:40

Why is it an unfair punishment? The OP's dd was atrocious at the last playdate so she can miss the next one; it's very relevant and, as it's the next day, very pertinent too.

I must have been the world's naughtiest child or something because if my parents gave way when I wobbled a lip and apologised, I'd have had them sussed in about two seconds!

ellingwoman · 09/04/2009 11:43

I think it's harsh because dd didn't have a chance to reflect or change her behaviour. She was challenging and only afterwards was the punishment meted out. I think you should explain that to her and go.

(Actually can't remember if I posted the same thing yesterday. Apologies for gaps in brain)

Nekabu · 09/04/2009 12:13

She must have been told several times to quit it! Must say your idea sounds as though she'd get to weigh up the 'punishment' before thinking about whether to pack it in or not. I blush to confess it but I certainly would have done that.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 09/04/2009 12:20

The dd can reflect on her behaviour and its consequences after the punishment has been said, can't she. She's got till the next day to do that and the whole of the next day if she wants to. There's plenty of time to reflect and weigh if a tantrum is worth a fun day without your friend imho.