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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think your DH/P should get other ladies he doesn't even know up the duff?

51 replies

peachyfox · 07/04/2009 19:18

Ok, perhaps I should clarify.

When we first met (date 2) my DP asked me how I felt about adoption because he has a disease in his family that is definitely hereditary and that has caused him to grow up without a father and lose his sister. I said I was fine with it.

Recently we had IVF with donor sperm, a solution neither of us had thought of before and which very happily worked, hence I am 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow. DP is of course the legal father in the same way any 'natural' father would be.

On our way we have met many other lovely couples who for various reasons (zero sperm count being the most common) have used a donor.

There is some information on it here

The donor has no rights over the child and noone can ever ask him for money or support of any kind. Children of donors now have the right to contact their donor when they are 18. Noone else can know their identity.

We are so enormously grateful to our donor for making this possible for us. I've been trying to write a note of thanks (have to check if it will be passed to him) for weeks but it's very hard to find the words.

Donor banks are running very low now, since anonymity was taken away, and there are many who do not have this choice or must wait a long time.

Do any of you think your DH/DP could do this? And how would you feel about it if they did?

It's such an amazing thing to do .

OP posts:

ScorpiowithabigS · 07/04/2009 19:19

I agree with you. Congratualtions on your baby!!

DH doesn't want to donate himself, but I am thinking of egg donating when i finish having babies. He is wholly supportive.

LoveMyGirls · 07/04/2009 19:21

Just asked dp and he said he would have considered it before but not now they have changed the rules. He said he liked the idea of being able to help someone have a child but he didn't want to be known.

StealthPolarBear · 07/04/2009 19:24

Congratulations to you both
I agree, I think I would have been happy for DH to do if before the rules were changed, but probably not now. I know I am being selfish, but the potential disruption and possible consequences (not financial!) of discovering you have child(ren) 18 years later could have a big impact on the donor and his family.

paolosgirl · 07/04/2009 19:25

Ditto here LoveMyGirls. DH was fine with the idea of helping others, but didn't want to have a knock on the door in 18 years time.

StealthPolarBear · 07/04/2009 19:25

was pmsl at the thread title though - I had no idea what to expect!

Original poster

peachyfox · 07/04/2009 19:25

Ah lovemygirls that's the very heart of the problem.

Thanks Scorpio that's great you may donate eggs one day. I definitely would have done if they'd let me but I'm too old.

OP posts:

MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 19:27

Prior to having my DC & prior to the rules changing I had wanted to donate my eggs.

Since I've had my babies I cant bring myself to do it

Northernlurker · 07/04/2009 19:27

That is a marvellous thing that somebody has done for you and your family - congratulations on your pregnancy.

Much as I admire that though, egg donation is not something I think I could ever consider - except perhaps for a close relative or friend. The only case I would be 100% certain about is for my own daughters - and obviously by the time they might know they needed them my eggs would be well past their sell-by anyway! I wouldn't like dh to do it either except in the case of a sibling.

betterthanlife · 07/04/2009 19:27

Absolutely. Unfortunately we ended up in a similar position to you so don't think the fertility clinics will be too keen. Definitely trying to persuade my brother to do it though!

qwertpoiuy · 07/04/2009 19:29

I have always been cagey about this idea - what if two half-siblings unknowingly met up in later life, married and had children?

DSM · 07/04/2009 19:29

Congratulations

I find this area very hard, I honestly don't know where I stand on it.

On one hand, I think it is amazing that people can give the gift of children to others who are unable to have their own.

On the other hand, I think it is concerning that there are children who could be meeting and marrying their own siblings, and never knowing about it.

I personally know I couldn't donate eggs as I couldn't have children that I didn't know about. I would always be wondering.

I really am torn on this subject.

StealthPolarBear · 07/04/2009 19:32

I hadn't thought about the siblings marrying thing. My worry would just be that if a child turned up (even as an adult) and was in trouble (say not getting on with parents) you would have no choice but to get involved, I don't think. And that isn't what I want.

KinderEggKayzr · 07/04/2009 19:32

I am quite tempted by egg donantion when I have finished having children. We have been very lucky and have concieved our 2 boys very easily. But a friend of mine is having terrible problems. I did ask about donating to her but I was told I have to finish having my children first.

OkkyPop · 07/04/2009 20:53

I donated my eggs when going through Ivf due to unexplained infertility, I did it for purely selfish reasons in that it brought down the cost of IVF, although i am happy in the thought that my eggs could have brought someone so much joy and hopefully a child for them.

I was told at the time that my eggs would not be used in my area so to speak but sent to the other side of the country to keep the chances of siblings meeting low etc.

I did this before the rules changed though and am not sure that i could do it now knowing that in 18 years time someone could be knocking on my door. I think this is because i didnt really enter into it with the thought that i was donating an egg but merely a part of myself as i would a kidney etc iyswim

fattiemumma · 07/04/2009 20:58

i'd like to donate eggs in a couple of years if im able.

dunno how Dp would react. might ask him when i see him tomorrow.

thisisyesterday · 07/04/2009 21:00

thank you for this thread, I have a friend who really wants to donate sperm but didn't know how to go about it so will pass that info on to him

ABetaDad · 07/04/2009 21:20

peachyfox - my wife and I went through IVF and eventually had two children naturally.

Afterwards, I thought very long and hard about donating sperm to childless couples as a kind of thank you for our blessing. I knew the temporary pain and anguish of being childless. The doctors in the IVF centre asked me to consider it because they already had the test results on my sperm sample.

The thing that stopped me doing it was because at the time there were discussions about changing the law and a lot of wild talk about fathers potentially becoming financially responsible for their children born from sperm donations. I was not prepared to risk that. Eventually the law came in and as you say the biologcal father is not liable financially but the children may contact them in future at 18. I am not prepared for that to happen either.

A sperm donation in my view is an absolute and irrevocable gift - and there should be no come back or responsibility thereafter. The outcome and the responsibility for the child should be absolutely that of the recipient legal parents.

I feel very strongly that the law is wrong on this. I know sperm donation collapsed after the law came in. It is shameful that childless couples have to face this extra burden due to a really thoughtless law.

I have thought hypothetically whether I would donate to a close friend and that would be hard decision to turn them down.

Happy to hear other views on my decision. I have felt some ongoing guilt over the last decade that I am being selfish sometimes.

peachyfox - you say you wanted to write to the donor. Do you get to choose the donor, characteristics, academic qualifications etc as happens in the USA or is it much more anonymous than that in the UK?

Original poster

peachyfox · 07/04/2009 22:55

Interesting to hear your views - it's the knock on the door, isn't it, that puts people off...

Stealthpolar I have to say that's a good point.

thisisyesterday yay!

ABetaDad we were given a form to choose hair and eye colour, height and qualifications. It was kind of geared to producing a child that would resemble the father. We made it quite clear that we weren't really that bothered about it resembling DP as we intend to be open with our child and with other people. We didn't want to engineer a child - just have one. Also we'll be adopting more hopefully so we'll all end up looking different.

The info on the donor was about the same, plus a few words about what they like. They have the option of writing a pen sketch but this can only be seen by the child. I don't know if mine did. We saw an andrologist (no idea what that is) who helped us a lot and got back to me with a donor we immediately felt comfortable with. Info is kept to a minimum really We don't want or need to know any more, the rest is up to us. Apparently some donors write something along the lines of 'mummy and daddy wanted you very much and I wanted to help them have you'.

Our decision to be open about the donor aspect is not everyone's - you could never tell the child and I'm sure lots of people don't.

To all those who are put off by the possibility of meeting the child in the future - it's totally understandable.

One thing that doesn't convince me is the possibility of siblings meeting and marrying. Each donor is limited to ten live births which in London, for example, makes that a pretty outside chance. In smaller places I think they spread out the donations.

And thanks everyone for your congratulations - there really wasn't anything we wanted more than this baby

I'm so enjoying hearing your views.

OP posts:

FfreckleFface · 07/04/2009 23:05

We are friends with a couple who were unable to conceive naturally. The woman is able to have children, but the man is infertile. They were discussing the shortage of donor sperm with us one evening, and became quite upset.

After they had left, Bloke said that he would consider donating for them, and we had several long discussions about it.

My main issue wasn't that he would have a child, but that our daughter would have a brother or sister that she knew nothing about.

Sadly, they split up before we spoke to them about it, but Bloke has said that now he has thought about the idea, he would donate sperm.

Sorrento · 07/04/2009 23:07

I am donating eggs to reduce the cost of our IVF treatment and have very mixed feelings about the possibility of contact once the child is 18.
My plan is to write a very detailed letter to the potential child outlining my reasons for donation, everything they could possibly want to know about me and to make it clear that I do not expect that knock on the door and nor would it be welcome.
I like to think that any child conceived under those circumstances will be so loved and wanted that it really wouldn't gain anything by trying to contact my family.
I do believe the right to remain anonymous should be preserved and more people would donate had the law not been changed.

pageturner · 07/04/2009 23:13

DH has done this, and I am enormously proud of him . I wanted to donate eggs but was too old by the time I had had ds2. We talked it through and have discussed the 'knock on the door', we wouldn't be fazed by that (I don't think!). I think DH has been told that they will tell him about any live births and gender but that is all. He has said that he is happy to be contacted by any children who are born when the time is right for them. We haven't told our own children yet, but will when they are a bit older.

Have to say, the donation process was more stressful that we had expected, but we soon forgot that once it was over.

Congratulations on your pg, btw!

hester · 07/04/2009 23:20

Just to point out that there is a limit on how many pregnancies can be started from each donor - I think it's 10. So the chances of half-siblings unwittingly getting married is very slim. (And presumably already exists, in any case.)

Mumcentreplus · 07/04/2009 23:25

ermmm..no...let rip but thats how I feel..good luck and congrats with your pregnancy...

Qally · 08/04/2009 17:58

My DH is doing this, actually.

I'll show him your post.

KinderEggKayzr · 08/04/2009 18:14

I wouldn't be bothered by a knock on the door, well I hope not. I think that if it was my I would be very happy that someone had taken the time and done this so other couples could have children.

I think it is one of the best things anyone could do.

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