to think your DH/P should get other ladies he doesn't even know up the duff?

[peachyfox]

Ok, perhaps I should clarify.

When we first met (date 2) my DP asked me how I felt about adoption because he has a disease in his family that is definitely hereditary and that has caused him to grow up without a father and lose his sister. I said I was fine with it.

Recently we had IVF with donor sperm, a solution neither of us had thought of before and which very happily worked, hence I am 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow. DP is of course the legal father in the same way any 'natural' father would be.

On our way we have met many other lovely couples who for various reasons (zero sperm count being the most common) have used a donor.

There is some information on it here

The donor has no rights over the child and noone can ever ask him for money or support of any kind. Children of donors now have the right to contact their donor when they are 18. Noone else can know their identity.

We are so enormously grateful to our donor for making this possible for us. I've been trying to write a note of thanks (have to check if it will be passed to him) for weeks but it's very hard to find the words.

Donor banks are running very low now, since anonymity was taken away, and there are many who do not have this choice or must wait a long time.

Do any of you think your DH/DP could do this? And how would you feel about it if they did?

It's such an amazing thing to do .

I talked to my DH about donating my eggs and he is dead against it.

For me it would feel like I am giving away a potential baby of my own and I couldn't do it now. Feel guilty about it though.

We are facing the possibility of using donor sperm, and have already decided that once we're done having babies I will donate my eggs. I have no issues with potential offspring getting in contact one day, and in fact would welcome it, but I wouldn't expect it. I would just hope that as a result, they have made another couple happy and in turn have led healthy happy lives.

if they got rid of the legal right of the child to make contact when they turned 18 and only provided essential medical information with no information that could identify me or track me down, i would gladly do this.
as it is though i couldn't deal with a knock on the door 18 years later when i don't klnow what situation my own life would be in.

qwertpoiuy

(thought your name was weird at first but having typed it out I now understand - I am dim )

I think that's one of the reasons why you can find out - so potential half sibs could check that their genetic parent was different. But you'd think that there could be a way to do this while still guarding anonymity - perhaps it could be held on record and they could just be told 'yes' or 'no'. I do wonder about medical history, which is obviously important genetically, whether that could be checked while retaining anonymity? Because whole knock on the door thing does seem to be the thing that is stopping men donating. (I may have made this up but think I read that in the last few years there has been only one donor in Scotland).

Whilst it was an altruistic gift, dh would have happily donated, being of 'good stock'. I wouldn't/couldn't donate eggs simply because there is a genetic illness in my family. However since the rule change allowing donors to track their donors and potentially make a claim on the donor's estate, it is no longer a consideration for dh.

should say "children to track their donor parent"

Glastochick (ah, I'll be missing the festivals this year...) the idea of donor sperm takes some getting used to I know. But at 25 weeks pg I can honestly say it no longer even crosses our mind. It's just our baby. If you do decide to take this path, have any questions or just want to talk it over, do PM me - I never run out of breath on the subject!

Cladon I think the main reason they did away with anonymity was that the govt decided donor-conceived children had the right to know their biological parent. As far as I know there is no access to medical records. But I don't think there is with adoption either (correct me if I'm wrong). The screening is rigorous though, so genetic diseases are ruled out, and all family medical history must be disclosed by law.

I didn't see this thread earlier. It interests me and saddens me in equal measure to see how many people are against the new law allowing children to trace their bio parent. I conceived my DS using donor sperm and, as a single woman, the fact that they have changed the law allowing him to trace the donor was a very significant factor in my going ahead with it. I wanted him to be able to do that.

I also hope that he's content with accessing the information at the clinic and doesn't go further than that. It's a tricky one - I can see why people wouldn't want children banging on their door but the likelihood that they would I suspect is very small indeed, given that (as others have said) a donor is limited to 10 families and of those, one must assume that some never tell their children of their origins.

Congratulations peachyfox. I felt exactly like you did (and still do) - this is my child and I never think about it having anything to do with anyone else. It wasn't until I was about to give birth that it even crossed my mind he might not look like me. And weirdly, he is my spitting image

Sorry previous post was sort of garbled - I meant family medical history, but was sort of speculating about genetic stuff we don't yet know about (though I suppose if we don't know about them there's nothing we can do - nothing would ever get done otherwise!). I do actually understand the possible need for a child born through sperm donation to know about their genetic parent, and personally don't think I would be too troubled by my or dp's genetic child appearing at the door - I'm definitely considering egg donation and would encourage dp to donate sperm if he didn't have strong FH of heart disease. I can understand people worrying about the child turning up though, however unlikely that may be.

Congratulations Peachyfox and pleased to hear it has worked so well for you Hearing your story encourages me to pursue the idea of donation more seriously.

Thanks Spicemonster! We too are happy that our child will be able to trace its genetic dad - and if we're open with the child from the beginning, it will have no reason to feel anything other than a normal curiousity about its genetic dad. Congratulations on your DS - bet he's gorgeous!

Cladon, thanks to you too - you sound very generous and I hope one day you get to donate your eggs - I would have loved to have donated mine if they'd let me, but I was too old (it appears there was life left in them though )

I'd be happy for my husband to father other children medically. His kids so far are beautiful and healthy. But he had childhood asthma, that would probably rule him out.

I wonder though if you can say you only want your donation to be used for embryos meant for implantation? I am aware that most of my eggs are never going to do anything (not that they'd want to have them at my age) and while unfertilised I don't care if they fry them up and eat them. (A metaphor! I do know how small they are!) Once fertilisation occurs, though, I feel differently and I would not give up my eggs - or his sperm- if that gave scientists the right to use the resulting embryos for experimentation or harvest them for stem cells.

He is indeed peachy - I've put a photo on my profile just for you

Are you plugged into the donor conception Network incidentally? It's a really good organisation - not only to share experiences with other parents but as your DC gets older, to enable them to meet other children in the same position. It's very important to me that my DS feels like he's always known children with a similar background to him so that he feels 'normal'.

My Bil is infertile because of cancer treatment, and my DP has always said that he will donate sperm if his brother ever wants kids. I was a bit that I wasn't asked about this, but at the same time have no problems with it.

Aw spice he's edible indeed

I'll check out the donor conception network for sure then. I had sort of heard of it, but till now have been worried only that the pregnancy would continue, haven't started to think about having a, gulp, baby! Guess I should start..

Glasto I also meant to say we had our treatment at London Women's Clinic which has its own donor bank. No wait, and I was really impressed with the medical staff and the time they had to spend with us choosing a donor. They have met all donors many times (apparently ours was the receptionist's favourite ). It's a huge mental leap I know, so let it sink in slowly.

Thank you - I think so No real hurry to join DCN - you've got a while yet. I didn't join until my DS was 2! But they do have very good resources and produce books and run walkshops about telling your children about their origins.

I also went to the LWC - no wait at all for a donor. They were lovely too and very supportive towards lone mothers.

The issue of siblings marrying is not really that big a deal. This might not be a popular view but from a genetic point of view half siblings procreating is not likely to cause a problem. In-breeding usually has to take place over several generations. Socially and culturally we (rightly) disapprove of it but as long as they never found out there would be no emotional fall-out. They haven't been raised by the same people, they share no family in common. Of course now that people have the right to find out their donor's name they could well find out which could cause innumerable issues. But it's very unlikely to happen.

I've never asked DH about this, but I'm with those people who say the loss of anonymity is what would stop them. I don't know how my daughters would react to a half-sibling turning up in 18 yrs time, and I'm not prepared to take the risk that it would upset them. As Stealth says, with the best will in the world, some people don't get on with their parents, and if they pitched up on your doorstep asking for help, how could you turn them away? But what happens to your own family dynamic then?

Also, from a purely selfish point of view (and I'm not proud of this but it is how I feel), what if it was a boy who knocked on our door? The son I didn't have for my DH? I don't think I could be selfless about that.

Sorry, OP, should also have said how happy I am for you and your DH that there was someone there for you, and congratulations on your pg.

quite understand mrsjammi it's not for everyone. Thanks for the congrats!

It's interesting too that you compare it to adoption - I quite agree. But without the emotional trauma adoption brought for many, since it was often enforced and involved feelings of abandonment and rejection (sometimes). If adoption were easier today, we would definitely have chosen it to make our family. Sadly, by having a child we appear to have eliminated ourselves as adopters which is a terrible shame. Also we really want to adopt an older child (for us, the one we would have had if we had met earlier) but have been told we cannot adopt a child older than an existing child. I have tried and failed to think why this could possibly be.

Kat, I agree, I think it's a red herring in the issue. And in any case, it was more relevant when donation was unrestricted. A friend of mine donated copiously as a student in Manchester. The bank kept asking him to come back due to his phenomenal success rate. He died recently, suddenly, and actually I love to think how many 18 year old mini-hims are crashing round the clubs and bars, although more sentimentally than anything, as I think the 10 family rule is a good one, and quite sufficient to make the risk minimal.

Thanks Poledra! I do understand your reasons.

Congratulations Op, it is great that this has been available for you

I think that my concern with egg donation (and I have considered this along with surrogacy with my own family complete) is that you do it on the assumption that it will all turn up well. I have no problem having an 18yo turn and to say Hi, this is me, thanks for enabling my life to happen. However the thought of an 18yo turning up and saying (for example) Hi, this is me, Mum became an alcoholic after Dad played away when I was little. Life has been crap, is too much of a risk for me.

Yes parents considering this are clearly committed to each other and any potential children however we all know that, no matter how committed we are, sometimes things do not work out and life is not always strawberries and cream for the children involved. I feel that the potential for harm to a child who is biologically mine is what puts me off most. I would feel responsible for that child even though I would have no opportunity to be responsible for them. (These are my feelings regardless of the law change)

It does play on my mind a bit though, I really feel for people going through the pain of being childless and would love to be able to help.

I am torn! For the reasons below I would love my DH to donate, but am also put off by the lack of anonymity now.

I found out very recently (in my 30s) that I am the product of donor sperm and so am obviously hugely grateful to whoever helped my mum and dad to have me. But I am also really glad that it was done anonymously because the sperm donor was not my dad in any meaningful (i.e. loving parental) sense and I wouldn't dream of upsetting my real dad by wanting to track him down now.

However - and this is where it gets muddied for me - if I had found out about my origins when I was younger, especially when I was having the usual teen identity crises (aged 18 say), I very well might have wanted to track the donor down, potentially causing a great deal of upset for his family and mine. It's a huge relief to me that this wasn't even an issue cos donors were anonymous then.

But now the Knock on the Door is a really big problem. I don't feel it would have been of any benefit for me to know my donor and if my dh were to donate, I wouldn't want any resulting children tracking him down either. The thought of it disturbs me on a deep level. Perhaps others can explain how they get over this or why it doesn't bother them?