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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is MY business what I call myself?

59 replies

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 07/04/2009 12:11

Argh. We have had the discussion on CRB checks and Ms before, but at least with the paper form you can fill it in and send it off. I am now trying to complete the electronic version of the form and it will not allow me to submit it at all because I am a Ms who is not a divorce. Nor can I be Miss apparently, because I am married. Nor can I be Mrs, because I do not use my husband's surname.
So I officially do not exist because I do not conform to their stupid, stupid presumptions about how a woman should define herself.
If I were a man it would be completely acceptable for me to keep the name I was born with for my entire life regardless of whether I was married, but in the 21st century, if you are a woman - no can do.
I am BOILING with rage.

OP posts:
Habbibu · 07/04/2009 12:13

Can you make yourself a rev? Sympathies - it is genuinely one reason I did a PhD!

Original poster
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 07/04/2009 12:16

Maybe I should adopt my Mumsnet title and become a Laydee.

OP posts:
JulesJules · 07/04/2009 12:16

but you are a Lady - can you not just use that?

JulesJules · 07/04/2009 12:16

x-posts!

ellingwoman · 07/04/2009 12:18

God - it's the eighties all over again

Habbibu · 07/04/2009 12:18

There must be titles you can just adopt. Is it illegal to call yourself Lady?

NoseyHelen · 07/04/2009 12:21

I'm in the same position - haven't taken DH's name so feel I have to be a Ms. I have found the only area to have a problem with it is the public sector systems.

Original poster
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 07/04/2009 12:22

I could get a doctorate online from one of those mail order colleges I suppose.

OP posts:
Cies · 07/04/2009 12:26

Arrrgh, why does it even matter???? In this day and age we should all be either Mr or Ms for these sorts of things.

YANBU

pginthecloset · 07/04/2009 12:27

I'm on the verge of taking DH's surname because I'm so sick of explaining myself or correcting people.

Actually it doesn't bother me too much when people call me Miss, although I'm sure they think I'm just wearing a wedding ring to pretend I'm married!

mamas12 · 07/04/2009 12:49

What do Quakers do? Because as I understand it they don't use titles and are known by each individuals full name.
I hate this too, I always say 'no title' and if they insist I always ask why which one would give me a discount?
Crap isn't it that society still needs to 'define' a woman by her male association.

prettybird · 07/04/2009 12:59

I would have the sam eproblem: a Ms who does not use her husband's name (I like my own, thank you very much )

Is there a "Contact us" facility which he could use to ask how to solve this conundrum? Unless people complain and point these problems out, they will never change.

TaurielTest · 07/04/2009 13:06

Habbibu - me too .
LGP that is ludicrous and shocking.

MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 13:30

YANBU - blardy electronic forms!

rempy · 07/04/2009 13:34

YANBU, arsetastic CRB.

Am still in horror about the thread where the wife had applied for life insurance and her broker had swapped her husband to the primary applicant......

It is utter bollocks.

Leave it blank?

superdenki · 07/04/2009 13:34

I'm just going through the fecking rigmarole of changing mine cos we finally got round to getting married after 15 years. But before I got married, I opened a savings account for my son at Lloyds TSB and their database would only register me as his GUARDIAN not PARENT because we didn't have the same surname. I was - and still am - furious.

Shambolic · 07/04/2009 13:38

What? What? Eh? But why?

Someone please come and tell us why?

I was on the CRB thread and the insurance one. At least with the insurance one there was an arsewipe of a broker to get good and angry with but this is just..... arggggh....

Shambolic · 07/04/2009 13:41

LadyGlencora you have my sympathies.

Can you ring them up and ask what the fuck you're supposed to do and why their systems are so shit and call them incompetent?

Or not (it would be a waste of time anyway I'm sure).

I mean the govt are supposed to be all equal ops and lovey lovey and so on this takes the absolute utter piss.

If you were applying to become a member of some doddering Club in London or something I could understand but this...

Original poster
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 07/04/2009 13:42

I CAN'T leave it blank Rempy, because it has starred all the bits that HAVE to be completed so when you press submit it just brings you back to the bit you have done wrong and tells you to do it again properly.
I think I will phone up CRB and have a "chat".
I read the insurance thread too and thought I had accidentally slipped back to 1975.
Call this progress?

OP posts:
JulesJules · 07/04/2009 13:52

If you can't leave it blank, can you put M*? Or accidentally type Mr? Def ring them for a chat, do let us know how that goes...

SoupDreggon · 07/04/2009 13:57

Is there not an option for "other" where you can type Ms ?

Original poster
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 07/04/2009 13:57

No Jules, it's a pull down list. And I tried Mr, but it won't accept that because I declared my sex as female.

OP posts:
Shambolic · 07/04/2009 13:59

Ring them ring them come and tell us what they say.

Also can i suggest you accuse them of being a hopelessly outdated and inefficient organisation who are indulging in the illegal practice of gender discrimination and that you are a feminist activist and if they don't sort it out you will take direct action.

Then wait for them to come and arrest you.

Seriously I'd be interested to hear what they say. Don't forget to ask about their complaints procedure.

Original poster
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 07/04/2009 14:01

I can put in Ms Soupdreggon, but it won't process the form because I don't then fill out the 'previous name' bit. Basically, they won't accept Ms unless you are a divorcee who has reverted to her previous surname, so if you call yourself Ms, you have to give them two surnames that you have used - if you can't do that then you are not a Ms.
It's such a hideous subversion of the original point of the title which was to allow women the same freedom to not declare their marital status to all and sundry that men have.

OP posts:
Habbibu · 07/04/2009 14:04

can you just fill in the previous name as "Idonthaveoneyoufools" or is there not enough room?