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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think 'oh well she'll cope' about DD's friend when we go out to Prezzo for a meal?

124 replies

OrmIrian · 07/04/2009 11:26

DD's is taking 4 friends to Prezzo for a meal on her birthday. She is looking forward to it. It's her favourite place to eat and still feels a little bit grown up to her. One of her friends is very fussy about food. To a very difficult extent. TBH I had forgotten about this when I arranged it. But her mum reminded DH when he met her in the street yesterday. She won't eat pizza or pasta apparently. In fact the only place we could have taken her to eat would have been MacDonalds

I am tempted to say 'sod it' and hope she can find something to eat when she gets there. All the other girls are looking forward to it. Or should I cancel? I really don't want to.

OP posts:
frogwatcher · 08/04/2009 09:32

Some of the comments on here really disturb me. I have one really fussy daughter - she actually went to Prezzos for a Birthday Party and I felt guilty after as she didnt eat a thing (doesnt like chips, pizza, pasta, icecream or much at all) and it really stressed the host. I should have said something before as my dd is quite used to going out and not eating anything other than a piece of bread while every body else eats but not everybody finds it comfortable to see a child not eat. I just didnt think about it as it is normal life for us. I think that as a parent of an extremely fussy child, the parents were reminding you so you wouldnt worry. And all of you being harsh re this - just be pleased you obviously dont have to put up with it. It is nothing to do with parenting - my middle child eats and tries everything, my eldest is violently sick at the table on a regular basis if she as much as smells something she doesnt like (most things) and my youngest eats about 6 different foods!!! How can that be explained.

TsarChasm · 08/04/2009 09:41

I think frog hits the nail when she says 'not everybody finds it comfortable to see a child not eat.' That's me. A couple of friends we've had here have hardly eaten a scrap or at least only something vv basic even after lots of tempting with all sorts.

I hate handing back unfed children.

frogwatcher · 08/04/2009 09:52

It is so hard being the parent of a fussy eater that to be honest support is what we need. Food has never been an issue for us - my dh and I eat practically everything and enjoy eating out and have done so with all the children since they were babies in arms. We have two tables in the house and eat at a table for 99% of meals and I cook nearly every day. I had to do a food chart for the nutritionist who was trying to help me and she was astounded at the range of food I cook and the fact that after years and years of trying, i still present them with cooked food in small quantities with no fuss and then bin it day after day after day. I was extremely honest with the chart and she said that nutritionally they were great with a really healthy diet (instinctive preservation by the children) but just very very limited. My eldest doesnt eat potatoe in any form, pasta, rice, sauces, any veg whatsoever and so it goes on. She is not playing us up as she tries so hard - it upsets her more than us now as she finds it hard at other peoples houses, as she vomits if she as much as smells or tries something she doesnt like. To the op, I would never expect things to change around her though. She justs fits in and carries babybels in her pocket!!

becstarlitsea · 08/04/2009 09:56

OrmIrian - definitely have the wine and olives. You're being very kind and understanding about this. Your DD should definitely go where she wants and eat what she wants for her birthday. I'd say don't worry if fussy eater doesn't eat, don't make a big deal or single her out at all, if she says 'I don't like anything here' Just say 'Okay, you don't have to eat, don't worry about it. Now DD what are you having?' Just move the conversation along. And don't feel uncomfortable if she doesn't eat - her Mum will feed her before or after.

But must admit to a shameful middleclass judgemental at McDonalds. Oooh look at me the little guardian reading do-gooder... My personal feelings: DS can go to McD's with his friends when he's older if he so chooses. He'll have to pay with money earned through doing chores or somesuch. Even though I don't believe extreme fussy eating is down to parenting, I think a kid can't decide that they like McD's unless they've been there. And why would you take a kid who has a tendency to limit the foods they'll eat to a place that serves crackfood? (crackfood - my made-up word for food which is highly addictive, unhealthy, and unsustainably profitable for the purveyor. I am in no way implying that McD's serve crack of course!)

squilly · 08/04/2009 10:12

I love the way fussy eaters and McDonalds always end up being mentioned in the same breath.

As a mum of the fussy eater, I've been seduced by the ease of crackfood. Quick, easy and the nearest to potato mine would ever get. I soon realised, however, that her 'habit' was going to wreak havoc with her future, especially as she was becoming quite fond of a Maccie D's on a regular basis. So I swapped, over a period of months, diced chicken breast (free range of course) for chicken nuggets and roast potatoes (in olive oil) for chips.

DD still loves a Maccie D's occasionally, though and I use it as a treat, usually during the holidays, when we go to the pictures. It's still one of the few foods my daughter gets excited about That and ice cream And she's lean and active, so I try not to worry too much about the odd imbalance.

Ormirian I think that most parents feel guilty about not feeding someone else's child when they're in our care, BUT most parents with fussy eaters have had to get used to it. You have to do what makes you and your daughter happy on her birthday. You sound like you'll be responsible about the fussy eaters feelings, but that doesn't mean you have to pander to them. Like becs said, you can keep it all low key and just make the child feel as comfy as possible. Outside of that, you have no obligation.

Enjoy your day, your wine and olives...

becstarlitsea · 08/04/2009 10:35

squilly 'seduced by the ease of crackfood' - that makes perfect sense to me! Of course I have my own occasional bouts of counter-productive parenting. eg I know that DS is a nightmare unless he has lots of outdoor activity and sport every day. But some mornings I am 'seduced by the ease' of CBeebies and staying at home playing in the front room. By 2pm I am paying dearly for it. We all do it don't we? I'm just lucky enough not to have the fussy eater problem so I don't have to think of ways to lure DS to eat. I just have to think of ways to physically exhaust him so that he doesn't run beserk, and sometimes I think 'ah, sod it, I can't face the flippin swimming pool again, surely I can just coast for a few minutes here'. I withdraw my judgemental and substitute it with an apologetic If DS was a fussy eater I'd.... Well okay, I wouldn't take him to McD's - I haven't been there in 20 years (started with becoming my concerns about intensive farming when I was a teenager, grew with the Greenpeace boycott, and was compounded by 'Supersize me' and 'Fast Food Nation') and I'm not going to start going there now! But I'd probably have tried all kinds of other things and gawd knows I don't always parent in a straight line...

OrmIrian · 08/04/2009 10:37

I can see how MacDonalds is so tempting to parents of fussy eaters. I don't know many children who will turn their noses up at it (well I don know one). I was brought up to regard 'that sort of food' as a form of poison but will confess to going there sometimes. It's just food when all's said and done.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 14:41

Just a little update. DD's birthday is today. About 10 mins ago I had a phone call from the fussy girl asking what to wear. Followed closely by a call from her mother reminding us that her DD only likes' English' food DH assured her that we won't the child starve. He has less patience than me...

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 19:08

She had chips and coke and ice-cream.

But it was OK. Mum had already fed her a MacDonalds earlier

Apart from that they were beautifully behaved. Really good company

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 18/04/2009 19:10

Is she allowed coke?

OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 19:13

Oh god.... don't start worrying me about what she is allowed!

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hippipotamiHasLost15Pounds · 18/04/2009 19:15

Glad to hear dd's birthday was a success!
Poor child - mum fed her a McDonalds beforehand? Oh well, the main thing is she came and took part.
Was she even a teeny bit tempted to try some pasta or pizza?

Happy birthday to your dd!

yappybluedog · 18/04/2009 19:30

my dd is very fussy, has been since about 1

I always warn other parents that she is fussy and not to go to any trouble trying to feed her

however, I have also drummed it into her that she should at least try food offered to her and more importantly to be impeccably polite to her hosts

believe me though, it's hard work if your kid is fussy

MayorNaze · 18/04/2009 19:40

well done OrmIrian! yappy - that sounds v sensible - my ds is fussy but he's also a charmer -i tell other parents to feed him whatever they are having and not to let him wheedle an alternative!

ScummyMummy · 18/04/2009 19:41

Glad dd had a lovely birthday, Orm.

hippipotamiHasLost15Pounds · 18/04/2009 19:41

Oh, I agree Yappy, my dd is extremely fussy too, and has anxiety issues regarding eating at other people's houses. And if she were in the postion of Orm's dd's friend, believe me, she would be fretting. But I would definately NOT be feeding her a McDonalds beforehand. Fruit, yoghurt, sandwich fine, but a McD?
And I do ask of dd that she at least try the food on offer.

But yes, it is hard having a fussy dd.

OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 20:28

I had some olives and all but one tried them. No-one much liked them which is fine, but I always feel more well-disposed to DC that will at least try.

They are lying in sleeping bags watching Kung Fu Panda eating popcorn and birthday cakes now. Gawd knows when they will go to sleep. DS#2 insisted to joining them so he's got my yoga mat to sleep on. DS#1 is patronising them in the way only a 12yr old big bro can

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 18/04/2009 20:58

I feel like chips and coke and ice-cream now!

compo · 18/04/2009 20:59

glad it's going well!!
fancy giving her a MacD's first though!

OrmIrian · 18/04/2009 21:51

Now they are singing loudly and embarrassing DS#1

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thumbwitch · 19/04/2009 00:59

I don't eat pizza or pasta cos of wheat intolerance and I manage to eat at Prezzo without too much trauma. They have other stuff there.

LIZS · 19/04/2009 10:31

Glad it went well and that you stuck to your guns. Had she been really hungry she would have found something I'm sure. Sounds as if the mother is more than part of the problem but you alone aren't really going to change that. Hope you all got some sleep !

MANATEEequineOHARA · 19/04/2009 11:00

That is really sad that her mum have her Macdonalds beforehand rather than giving her a chance to go there ready to eat, she could have eaten after if she really could not find anything to eat.
BUT...I do understand that horrid feeling of people NOTICING if you do not eat, or only eat certain things, that they may consider strange, it is so unpleasant, it would have been nice if she hadn't been given junk food before, but also if it was a total non-issue if she did not eat/want much etc, IMO

But it sounds like it did work out well. it sounds like a fun 10th birthday party

MuffinBaker · 19/04/2009 19:10

Orm - I meant if she isn't it will be interesting at home

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