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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Im a dairy farmers wife and stay at home mum of 2, should my husband do any chores?

68 replies

AliceMumma · 07/04/2009 04:44

I have a 2 month old son and a 2 year old daughter, my son wakes 2 1/2 hourly still during the night and is very clingy and colicky by day, and my is getting her 2 year old back molars. I do all the house hold chores, bath both children at night and put them to bed, the grocery shopping, make my husband breakfast, lunch and dinner, mow the lawn with push mower(even at 39 weeks preg)basically everthing, and my daughter is at home all day as kindy is 1/2 hour drive away and gets very bored and hounds me all day to read and play with her.. My husband gets up at 4:30 am and works most the day till around 5:30 pm on the farm, then comes home and turns the tv on and relaxes and eats all evening. On his weekends off (3 weekly) he goes off with his friends or relaxes at home and sleeps. He says that i have the easiest job ever, just staying home not doing much (?!) and am UNREASONABLE for wanting a day off, or to ask him to do anything "within the house fence line", because of the fact he makes the money and works hard all day... What do you think? (p.s i love being a stay at home mum, but just get so tired some times and feel like just "somebodies Mum or Wife" rather then ME, and just want a day away or a bit of help...)

OP posts:
RoseOfTheOrient · 07/04/2009 05:02

Quick answer - YES! of course he should help! Being a mum is a full time job - esp. with a tiny baby.
I suggest you tell (NOT ask) him that you are going out for the afternoon next Saturday - and let him deal with two children all by himself, if he thinks that it is the easiest job in the world
They are his children too, he should be helping to parent them.
He is not living in the real world, if he thinks he can get away with not doing anything. You are not his frigging slave!
Oh and about not feeling like "just somebody's mum", it gets better as the kids get older. But please make time for yourself - it really is necessary.

PuppyMonkey · 07/04/2009 06:47

I'm sorry but men like your husband really piss me off. What is this? The 19th century? Actually, even some men in the 19th century had a bit of decency about them. Don't put up with it.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 07/04/2009 07:10

This has to be a wind up, I can't imagine anyones husband thinking this is acceptable behaviour. At the very least he should help with the bedtime of his 2 children.

Give him a kick up the arse. YANBU.

Geepers · 07/04/2009 07:37

I doubt you have any hope at all of changing him. I lived a wanker man once and there was no way he'd ever be convinced that he should be helpful with either the house or the child. Eventually he left me, but I met a wonderful man who does 50% at least of everything when he is home, just as it should be.

greenelephant · 07/04/2009 07:43

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingernutlover · 07/04/2009 07:48

i sometimes want to go on that show on tv "Mum's on strike"

my dh is helpful, and has got better as dd got older but what really made him more helpful was spending some time with dd on his own, and me nagging him alot - and giving him very specific things to do. We now share the bedtimes and he picks her up from nursery twice a week, also he looks after her on a sunday afternoon while i go to the gym.

I second that idea that you need to "book" some time out of the house away from the children and leave him to it so that he realises you dont do nothing. If possible leave him with a few chores to do as well as the children. Tell him you are going out for x hours and when you come back you expect him to have done a b and c, as thats what you would be doing.

That way you will find out whether he is just being ignorant about the amount you do or whether he does realise and is just being lazy (understand he works long hours, yes, but so do you)

gingernutlover · 07/04/2009 07:50

pmsl at green elephant - not sure i would go that far but if he wont agree to you going out planned, can you invent a friend with an emergency that you cant possibly take the children to?

StrawberryWinders · 07/04/2009 07:50

Do his friends/family/peers do the same? Is his attitude expected/encouraged by your local community?

If so, then I think it's going to be more challenging to get him to come to his senses.

If you can get him to agree to it, Rose's suggestion is great if you can get him it.

You might also want to explain to him that if it wasn't for your free childcare, free catering and free housekeeping he wouldn't be able to "make the money and work hard all day". So you actually make at least half the money and work bloody hard all day too, with no option of putting your feet up when you've had enough!

justaboutback · 07/04/2009 07:50

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gingernutlover · 07/04/2009 07:52

ooo yes can you employ a cleaner/nanny for a few hours a week?

Once he sees the cost of that he might change his ways and give you the help himself

gingernutlover · 07/04/2009 07:52

or what about an au pair?

MuffinBaker · 07/04/2009 08:03

Bloody hell!

Stop doing anything for him.

Let him see how much you do.

He is a prick.

Should be doing what needs to be done when he gets in.

You both work. he feels he does a real job as he gets paid for it.

What a dick.

Sorry, I am sure he is lovely really but posts like this piss me off.

Men will do nothing if they are shits and can get away with it.

Real men don't need to be told. They do what needs to be done because they know that is right.

FourArms · 07/04/2009 08:16

Not read all the posts, but YANBU.

Could you take your DD to kindy, and just shop or drink coffee in the area whilst she's there? Then maybe they'd both fall asleep on the way home too.

GentleOtter · 07/04/2009 08:34

Alice - My dh is a mixed arable farmer and works long hours on the farm too but he knows that running the farmhouse and looking after the children is a full time job in itself.
We try to split as much of the work as is possible and dh does bathing baby at night, tidying kitchen, general tidying that sort of thing.
YANBU at all and you ought to tell him that you will be getting a cleaner and childminder in say two or three days a week.
Some farmers do have an old fashioned view on married life but you will need to instrument changes as you sound exhausted and unhappy and it angers me to think that he rests on his laurels after 5.30 pm while you carry on.

Nip this in the bud now.

Original poster
AliceMumma · 07/04/2009 08:42

I brought this subject up with him today and he is now not speaking to me, thinking i am ungrateful that he does such hard work and still has it in his head that i just sit at home with my feet up relaxing all day!!!! GRRRRRR!

He is a great father to the kids and a loving husband to me, as long as i dont ask anything else of him...

He goes to bed at 8pm most nights and is usually exhausted from 13 hours physical work, but thats not to say im not tired either! At least he gets 8 or so hours solid sleep, and has a weekend off now and agian..

His parents and brother both have his mentality that "farmers dont work in the house" so its hard to get any one on my side!!

Thanx for your posts by the way, i feel a little bit better now :O

OP posts:
justaboutback · 07/04/2009 08:44

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MuffinBaker · 07/04/2009 08:47

I rarely ask my husband to do anything in the house. He doesn't need to be asked.....

You deserve better.

justaboutback · 07/04/2009 08:48

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LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 07/04/2009 08:48

tbf to him he does work very hard during the week but that is no excuse for not helping out at the weekend and giving you time off as well.

KingCanuteIAm · 07/04/2009 08:54

I don't agree that he should do nothing but I cannot believe that you lot are so quick to jump on someone that does a physical job for 13 hours a day and only gets one weekend off in 3

I should imgine most of you have never had to work a day like this n your lives, never mind living your lives like it!

Op, your husband (IMO) should help with putting the children to bed but because he should want to spend some time with his children when he has been away from them all day, not because you demand it. He should also want to spend time with the children in his weekends off.

TBH, I think his lack of inclination to spend time with the dc is more of a problem here than anything else.

I am sure you are tired with a small baby but you must have realised that someone getting up at 4.30am is unlikely to be able to help you at nights? As for housework, I would be pretty peeved if you asked me to hoover the floors after working those kind of hours.

IMHO you need to get some realisitic expectations, a cleaner (or even better an au-pair who may enable you to have an occasional lie in/nap) and a good discussion with your dh about why he does not spend proper time with his dc when he is in the house.

KingCanuteIAm · 07/04/2009 08:55

Oh, you already have a cleaner

justaboutback · 07/04/2009 08:56

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gingernutlover · 07/04/2009 08:56

from your posts, maybe he really is THAT unaware of what you do all day, would it help if you wrote down what you did all day and what time you did it, then show him.

I assume that even working 13 hours physical labour a day, that he takes tea breaks and a lunchtime. Do you get these with 2 children under 5? Does he "get" that you don't?

And it might help if you tell him "I am unhappy, I am very very tired, I need some help please" if he still refuses then challenge him, because if he really is such a fantastic husband he will find a way for you to be happier, wont he?

KingCanuteIAm · 07/04/2009 08:57

Sorry Op, just realised it was someone else with the cleaner - I think!

gingernutlover · 07/04/2009 08:57

kingkanute - its not the OP that has the clear