Im a dairy farmers wife and stay at home mum of 2, should my husband do any chores?

[AliceMumma]

I have a 2 month old son and a 2 year old daughter, my son wakes 2 1/2 hourly still during the night and is very clingy and colicky by day, and my is getting her 2 year old back molars. I do all the house hold chores, bath both children at night and put them to bed, the grocery shopping, make my husband breakfast, lunch and dinner, mow the lawn with push mower(even at 39 weeks preg)basically everthing, and my daughter is at home all day as kindy is 1/2 hour drive away and gets very bored and hounds me all day to read and play with her.. My husband gets up at 4:30 am and works most the day till around 5:30 pm on the farm, then comes home and turns the tv on and relaxes and eats all evening. On his weekends off (3 weekly) he goes off with his friends or relaxes at home and sleeps. He says that i have the easiest job ever, just staying home not doing much (?!) and am UNREASONABLE for wanting a day off, or to ask him to do anything "within the house fence line", because of the fact he makes the money and works hard all day... What do you think? (p.s i love being a stay at home mum, but just get so tired some times and feel like just "somebodies Mum or Wife" rather then ME, and just want a day away or a bit of help...)

I am married to a farmer too - we are not dairy, just beef and arable. I am very lucky that my dh understands how much I do in the house and with the children - 3 dds. He is around during the winter and helps with the school run sometimes, but from July until October I do everything in the house including mowing the lawn (even throughout my pregnancy, but it is a ride on mower!) I take lunch and then supper out to him everyday when he is busy and the dds get to have a ride in the combine with him, otherwise they would not see him all summer.

I would not expect him to do anything to help when he is busy on the farm, as I see it as my role as a farmer's wife to keep the house going, dds looked after and everyone fed at the right time. The majority of our friends are farmers and there are a few very old fashioned ones, but they are allowed to get away with it and have gone straight from being looked after by their mothers to being looked after by their wives.

This is probably an old fashioned, unpopular view but I knew the hours that farmers worked when I married him and having said that he does recognise what I do and when he is around he does help out if he can.

Alice, would it be feasible to swap roles for a day? Just a day so that he can really appreciate what it is that you do?

it's one thing to not do any housework - i'm not sure i could manage any after the days that farmers work...

... but it's a WHOLE DIFFERENT MATTER to not do any parenting

You say your DP is a wonderful father but how can he be if he's not doing any bathtimes or bedtimes or spending 1:1 time with the children???

as far as i see it, you can divide the farm/house work into 'inside' and 'outside' but the parenting also has to be divided - CHILDREN ARE NOT A CHORE!!!!!!!

No i dont have a cleaner! That would be great!

The money situation is just the average wage, altho in 2 months time we will be taking a huge step up and running a farm and employing 2 staff and i will be doing all the paperwork for that, but the money will double and will live closer to town so i mite put dd in kindy for a couple mornings a week.

To be fair to my dh, he works sooo hard and some times only has 20 min breakfast break and runs in at lunch and grabs 3 museli bars and runs out the door again so hes so busy and tired from it all. (and no morning or arvo tea breaks)

(But in the dry season (4-8 weeks) he does only 5 or so hours a day and still doesnt really help.

I dont expect help every day, just the times where im running round like a headless chicken with my ds screaming for a feed and my dh on the toilet and a pot boiling over and hes just sitting on the couch! And on his 2 days off every 21 days, would be great to do something as a family (instead of him doing motocross riding both days with his friends) and have a bit of help to get the kids ready etc, (whereas he will say "hurry up hurry up you should be ready by now" but not help me). Or just for me to have a couple hours off with him at home with kids.And its him saying that he works hard (which is true) but saying i do nothing (which isnt) that really annoys me!!!!!!

My dh is the youngest of 4, and moved straight from home (on a farm), in with me when we got married and his mother did EVERYTHING for him right up til then.(and still turns up alot to baby him)!! He wouldnt even know how to boil potatoes! So its partly his upbringing to blame.....

He takes my dd for rides on the motorbike every now and again, and throws her up in the air and "rumbles" with her and she just loves it, but its only the fun stuff he will do, not the bathing or putting to bed etc.

Im happy with our situation, all i want is some recognition that i actually do do work and get tired and sick of it some times too, just like he does of the farm! Just as any one would that does something every day all day. Even DisneyLand would get tedious after a while!!!

Oh and we dont own the farm, my husband is the only worker on a 570 cow farm, working for his brother (whos wife is in my boat but her dd is older and so is her ds and dh plays with kids every night for an hour and does the lawns)

After i had my ds, my dh did the lawns twice (but refused to use push mower and borrowed neighbours ride on)!!!

He has no choice of the hours he works because he is just the worker not the boss and the farm and work load is just too big for the 2 of them, thats why we are leaving soon. Would rather work those hours and get paid properly for it!!!!!

I do appreciate him and the amount of work he does, theres NO WAY i could do it! I just want the same back as he couldnt do what i do either as he had a week off when i had ds and nearly went insane and was constantly outside working on his bike cos he felt "trapped inside". But soon after that week off he went back to his old ways and said how easy that week was!

I do go out once a week to the nearest town for grocery shopping and to take dd to "Mainly Music" (dancing and singing with other kids etc) so i really look foward to that day to dress up and wear make up and get out with the kids and talk to other mums!

I know quite a lot about farming - dont want to say more than that in case I out myself.
I honestly see both sides. Farmers work long, long hours with little reward (imo)
If you have grandparents near, take advantage, don't do any physical work when pregnant, but a farmers work is never done and neither is a farmers' wife.
It's a tough life and I take my hat off.

The 2 days off that he has (a luxury), I would defo put my foot down and tell him that you DEMAND at least one of the days to be spent as a family. Perhaps, a day out - he can organise a picnic, whilst you have a long shower and take time to get ready whilst he sorts his kids out too!!!
Wishful thinking on your behalf.
Good luck
x

ok. not read the whole thread. but i grew up on a farm.

13hrs manual labour is very very hard. i remember doing these days in teenage years when there was a family illness.

i would say much harder than being sahm like i am now to 3yo and 20mnth old. even when my dc were 1 month and 16 month it was easier than the farm.

i think you should give him slack and not expect help on his working days.

you will find it gets easier as dc get older as they can go out "to work" with their dad. and during summer holidays we spent all the holidays with my dad as my mum would be working.pottering around in the farm.

so it may seem like your doing the donkey share just now. but in the long run it even out.

when my mother went back to work we got a cleaner.
also due to you dh going to bed early...this is perfect chance for you to leave him with lo's once they are sleeping through and go visit friends for coffe or cinema.

If he thinks you do nothing, prove him right - do nothing. Don't do the meals, don't do the laundry, don't mow the lawn, just play with the children and feed them. If that's what he thinks you spend your time doing, let him have a taste of what life would be like if you really did do that.

A friend of my mother's married a pretty unreconstructed Northener. About a week into their marriage they had an almighty row because he did nothing to help her - literally didn't lift a finger. She went on strike. She didn't cook. She didn't wash up. They didn't speak. He lasted a week, cracked and cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Dairy farmer or not, he should at least pitch in on his days off and spend time with his children. YANBU.

agree with Georgia lte him see what you dont do!!!!

you need a cleaner!

Dh is a chef and works 12/13 hrs days every day. It is stressful, exhausting and physically demanding.

TBH he does no housework or anything with the DCs on the days he works. There really isn't time.

His days off, however, are a different matter. He pitches in.

To the OP, you might just have to bide your time for a couple of months until the money situation improves. My pan of action would then be:

1 Hire a cleaner
2 Get your DD in kinder
3 Get a babysitter and have some time to yourself.
4 Tell your DH that he needs to be more of a family man on his rare days off. He is the one missing out and might have serious regrets about this in the future.

Just to put my twohapporth in

Until v.recently I was at home. I now work a couple of shortish days.

My OH works evenings and has MS. He still does some stuff round the house.

Not cos I am a lazy, uncaring mare, but because we are a team. Its good for the kids to see their parents working together and sharing.

He does what he can and I do the rest. If he didnt have MS he would be working longer hours I suppose so I am not sure he would be doing much more. Although he could come shopping with me if he was lighter on his feet.

I hope you sort this out. You deserve a break. No one should have to be on duty 24hours a day.

I had a talk to him again and he said when (if) the farm gets less busy he will try to spend more time with us and help with the kids so thats good. We'l see when it comes to dry season!

AliceMumma - it is good to hear that your situation is gong to change in a few months time. I assume your DH will be a farm manager? You will have much more like your own place to live and it sounds like you are going to be more involved in running the farm with your DH. I asusme you are going to get paid properly for that work?

I would take that chance to really make a lot of changes in your own life. You cannot 'do the paperwork' on top of what you already do. Getting some help in the home and using the Govt nursery place allowance to put your children in nursey for a few days a week will be a big help and good for them too.

Being just a worker on a farm is poorly paid and it the main reasons I left home and did something else with my life. Even at 16 I knew it was not much of a life to offer anyone.

In the meantime, I wonder if there are a few specific daily tasks that he could do within his daily schedule that would be a big help to you. Good luck with the new farm.

while reading this thread!!!

I grew up on a farm, and my father had the exact same attitude as OP's DH. But my mother was equally as bad, doing everything for him and my 4 brothers and expectimg me to do everything for them as I was the only girl.

It was absolutely horrible, and I started to rebel as I got older only to be told how useless I was and how it was my duty!

I vowed I would NEVER look at a farmer, never mind date or marry one. I met a proper man who is fantastic, helpful around the house and great with the children.

One day, my father saw my DH tidying up some toys and made a joke that he would buy him a pink frilly apron - I didn't speak to him for a week.

I think it's just the general attitude of farmers to be sexist pigs.

YANBU, sorry my post doesn't offer any advice- it's just me letting off steam!

Can you imagine the response if the OP was the one doing a 13 hour day of physical work with every third weekend off and her dh was a SAHD who expected her to come home and help with the housework? If I had to do a life swap with either of them, I know whose life I'd prefer!

I'm glad to hear that the situation should be improving soon though and hopefully you will both find life a bit easier.

In the meantime, when he does have his weekend off I think it's only fair if the housework/child care is split so that you both have an easier time of it.