Im a dairy farmers wife and stay at home mum of 2, should my husband do any chores?

[AliceMumma]

I have a 2 month old son and a 2 year old daughter, my son wakes 2 1/2 hourly still during the night and is very clingy and colicky by day, and my is getting her 2 year old back molars. I do all the house hold chores, bath both children at night and put them to bed, the grocery shopping, make my husband breakfast, lunch and dinner, mow the lawn with push mower(even at 39 weeks preg)basically everthing, and my daughter is at home all day as kindy is 1/2 hour drive away and gets very bored and hounds me all day to read and play with her.. My husband gets up at 4:30 am and works most the day till around 5:30 pm on the farm, then comes home and turns the tv on and relaxes and eats all evening. On his weekends off (3 weekly) he goes off with his friends or relaxes at home and sleeps. He says that i have the easiest job ever, just staying home not doing much (?!) and am UNREASONABLE for wanting a day off, or to ask him to do anything "within the house fence line", because of the fact he makes the money and works hard all day... What do you think? (p.s i love being a stay at home mum, but just get so tired some times and feel like just "somebodies Mum or Wife" rather then ME, and just want a day away or a bit of help...)

ooops x posts

Clearly he doesn't view what you do in the house as 'work' - therefore, if it is not work, he can do it on his day off. I know my dh wondered why things didn't get done much in the house when I had my 'days off' (I worked pt then) - and that was just with one ds. It wasn't until he had been left with ds and given the schedule of things that I normally did with ds on that day - which he missed things off from - and didn't get anything done in the house either - that he realised that my 'days off' were days not working, but that they were really tiring and hard work.

I don't think that additional help on week days when he is working those sorts of hours is realistic. However, weekends etc he should definitely be taking part in being a parent - he certainly isn't at the moment.

KingCanute- on certain days my dh and I swap jobs and he will stay at the house with the children while I go out to do field work so yes I know what a full physical day of work is like!

Alice - would your dh be able to get some help with the milking and farmwork? Sometimes the local paper or Agricultural College have adverts for students looking for work experience. Even if it was during the holidays, the help would be welcome I'm sure.

Are there other farmer's wives near you that you could talk to?
It is crazy but there are several farmers round this area who believe that cooking/ children/ housework is the woman's job.

AliceMumma - I grew up on a mixed arable farm about 35 - 40 years ago (waves at GentleOtter). Not a dairy farmer but I know what it entails and my Mum was in your position.

YANBU. Some things have to change. I know farmers can be stuck in their ways and pretty old fashioned and also there is a lot financial pressure. That is not an excuse.

First: Get a good mower - for goodness sake. That is ridiculous. If it is a big lawn get a ride on. Farmers always get good discounts and especially at the moment.

Second: Based on what my Dad did, yes you should expect your DH to do stuff inside the house fence line. Not at busy times of year perhaps when it really is all hands on deck but he should be willing to schedule time in the house as well. My Dad was not exactly Mr Sensitive New Man and my Mum was very lonely and depressed at times so it was no bed of roses but my Dad did his share.

Third: Get yourself some time out of the house doing stuff for you. Make a stand if you have to.

Fourth: I assume like most farmer's wives you also help out on the farm occasisonally, doing acocunts etc. Just remind him of that effort you put in for him and expect something in return.

My dh runs his own business and has always worked stupidly long hours. When our dcs were small it was always down to me to do everything in the house. I didn't object to the workload but I did get lonely and isolated.

When I got ill last year dh gave up work to nurse me and took over the house and children completely. Sickeningly, even though he had the added burden of caring for me, the house has never been so clean, the children were immaculate and had their regulation bedtime hour every day and perfect packed lunches.

Now I am better he has gone back to his work although he does a lot more laundry and childcare than before. He admits that it is a hard and thankless job and that he was wrong to think I was moaning about nothing. He also says that he is sorry he missed out on forming a better relationship with the children earlier.

I think you should apprieciate the massive workload that your dh has to do daily, but that you should stand up for yourself a little more. You need to get out of the house every day and to spend some time with other mums. Your dd will be stimulated by being with other children and you will get a bit of adult company. If you looked at your life as though it were a job what would you change to make it run more smoothly? Obviously more sleep would come in handy but you are probably going to have to wait a few months for that one . The push mower thing is obviously beyond a joke and is causing resentment. Get a second hand petrol mower they don't cost a lot.

my dh works 14 hour days (inc travelling) i work too - but i run the household.

on his days off he pitches in or i kick his hairy arse

You dh is going to get SOOO flamed!

I think you can safely say that we are pretty much all going to say your dh should help more.

Thing is, when the kids are tiny, you build a relationship with them by DOING stuff for them. Perhaps he should see helping out with the kids as less a chore, and more of a relationship building endeavor.

But honestly, how can he live with you mowing the lawn when you were 39 weeks pg?

Even if he doesn't do anything during the average week (not saying he shouldn't but...)
he has a weekend off every 3 weeks. You get a weekend off..... when?
Maybe during that weekend off you should each get a day off.
Easier said than done though and I have no idea how to make him realise hes being incredibly unfair. The only thing I can think of is to be ready in advance and just to go one morning (of his weekend off) and see how he copes

negotiate, you'r eboth adults.

Negotiate

1. when you get a lie-in and when he does
2. when you get a day off and when he does

do you guys own the farm? perhaps you could swap roles for a couple of days.you go out and work the farm, but do nothing when you get back in the evening, and he'll see how hard you do work in the house and hopefully appreciate a need to pitch in more.

do you guys own the farm? in which case would it be able to swap roles for a week, that way you'll both appreciate how hard the other works and he'll probably be more likely to help out

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I feel for your dh, it sounds like he works bloody hard and in his defence he probably has no idea how hard being a SAHM is... so I think he's more ignorant of what your life entails than being a fuck wit. Plus you probably do such a good job of it (maybe without daring to complain so far?) that he does just see you as skiving off with the kids.

I'm going to put my neck on the line here and admit that I had a pretty dim view of SAHMs until I became one - and realised that it wasn't all about walks in sun dappled parks and relaxing in Starbucks.

I agree with that negotiation is a very good thing to do - dh and I do this a lot and I think it's saved our marriage!

YANBU
My DH is a herdsman. He works 4.00 til 5.30/6.00 12 days on, 2 days off.
His dad and grandad and every generation back into the annals of time were also herdsmen.

FIL is similar to your DH - MIL doesn't mind
DH is brilliant. He does a good share of looking after DD and he does a lot 'round the house on his weekends off. I don't ask him to do anything in the evenings but then I don't do housework in the evenings either. Like your DH, mine goes to bed early so the time between him coming home and going to bed is precious.

I agree that you would benefit from getting some help round the house. If you don't htink that he would agree to it, try the list of everything you do and see what he says. Also, do try the 'I'm going out and you're having the DC' method.

It is a cultural thing but he must be made to see that he is BU ... it'll take time tho I think ...

Just to make suer - DH works 4am-5.30pm ... not an hour and a half

Wow, I agree with KingCanute. The fact it's 13h hard physical work, day in day out... I do think he should chip in abit daily (help with bedtime - or even 'do' bedtimes every other night so you get a little rest?) but from when he gets in he has 2 1/2 hours to eat/wash etc. Sounds alot, but my DH has the same and it's always a mad rush. I really think you need an au pair/mothers help/cleaner.

i saw something like this on wifeswap. the visiting 'wife' made the Dh do chores as well as his usual farmwork. now, he worked very very hard, but so did she. in the end, i didn't think he would probably end up taking half of the housework, but he had a much much better appreciation of what she did and got the impression he would do a bit more and that he appreciated she needed to go out every now and again.

dunno how you get to that state, though, without the help of a TV crew and a bone idle wifeswapper.

I've quite shocked myself by feeling a bit sorry for the OP's DH .

It sounds like you both work hard in your jobs and don't appreciate each others roles. I don't think I would expect my DH to do household chores after a long physical day on the farm tbh. You need to pull together and if you really need extra help in the home then say so, try to get a babysitter in so that you can both go out or so you can have an afternoon on your own, otherwise, the resentment and isolation you feel is just going to get worse.

at the responses here

so the man should do 13 hours' hard physical work and then housework when he gets in?

OP it is really tough work with a demanding newborn and toddler. It is a shame your DH does not appreciate this. My suggestions:

• decide how you would like to spend some of his weekends off and book them. Mark it clearly in any diarys and calendars.

• plan other visits for you and the dc to friends and family

• take advantage of grandparents' help with dc

• don't cut the grass with a push mower - why on Earth were you doing this in the winter at 39 wks preg anyway?

• be kind to your DH, he doesn't have an easy life either

I am feeling sorry for your DH too. I know how tough it is to be a farmer and a farmers wife. I think you seriously need to think about getting some help in the house. I also think that you need to talk to him more and tell him that it would be nice for him to help at bath time, and also to spend time as a family on his days off. Yes you do work hard but so does he. For what it's worth my Aunt is married to a farmer (they did do dairying until they lost their whole herd to TB and raised 9 children one with Downs Syndrome with just one lovely lady to help her.

I think at this early phase in the dcs lives he needs to help more or he will miss it If you said he doesn't get days off then I would say HINBU but he gets one every 3wks. You should spend that time as a family and have an afternoon each to yourselves/morning to yourselves/lie in. He is completely out of order spending that precious quality time with his friends.

I second perhaps getting some help for 1/2 days per week, especially while LO is still night waking.

Hard life being a dairy farmer and a dairy farmer's wife. Our neighbour seems to work 4:30am to 9pm most days (he runs a 400 cow farm with just one farm hand), but he's back for most meals and manages to play with/ help entertain the children (they have 4 boys aged 1-9). The good thing about being a farmer is the flexibility- ie he can be around to kick a football around with them for 1/2 an hour when they are home from school. The bad thing about farming is that it's full on most of the time, for both partners.

Your OH is not being entirely reasonable not to be doing things in the evening though. The least he could do is play with the children a bit in the evenings, or bath and get them to bed. So yes, I think yours is being unreasonable. He could do something...

Name-changer here.

I have just escaped from a situation like this.

My ex expected me to make every meal. Even his lunch-time sandwhich, and place it on the table ready for him to sit down and eat. This is what his mother did for his father, and still does.

We had a huge row about this in the first week of marriage, as I had to stop MY work to make HIS meals. I asked if he would do the same for me...guess what was the answer.

The only time we could ever do ANYTHING was determined by the weather and the time of year. So if it was raining we could go out somewhere with the family.

I was treated as a slave and a skivvy despite having my own career and children to look after. His parents, and him, think I am a second class citizen and should have shut up.

I have several friends married to farmers who are still in this position. One cannot go out during the day at all as she has to be there to make her DH's lunchtime sarnie.

It is totally ludicrous in this day and age that there is still this sort of set-up.

Get a cleaner, and insist that he spends some time with his children. This should be a pleasure not a chore for him.

This will only get worse if you do not make a stand now.

It is dreadful actually, and I begged for change for years. I was up against the whole family though, not just my EXH.

In the end I left. best thing I ever did and wish I had done it years ago.

It is them who miss their children's early years by this attitude, and they can never get that back.

I still vividly remember my EXH saying to me very early on in our marriage "you will never see me clean a toilet"...

...so I supposed that'll be my job then????

Good luck to you. It's not easy!

Do you get any time together without the children? Would he be willing to take you out if you got a babysitter? You might need some time away from the farm to talk things over with him.
I feel awful for both of you as farming is not the easiest of jobs nor is it particularly well paid for the long hours. It can be so isolated for wives and families too.