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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect people to think my dh is lazy because he's a SAHD?

68 replies

SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 21:33

I really cannot bear this attitude, and I see examples of the prejudice every day.

People treat me as if

(a) dh is to be pitied because he can't get a proper job

(b) I must be some awful controlling harridan who's career means more to me than my children, and dh MUST OBEY ME

It's role reversal, pure and simple. Let's have some forward thinking, people, IT'S THE NOUGHTIES FFS!!!

I thank you.

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 06/04/2009 21:35

see....this is what us SAHM mums have to deal with every day.

it is just more unusual for a man, and so more obvious.

MrsMattie · 06/04/2009 21:37

Oh, ignore them. They are probably insane with jealousy.
I'd love DH to be a SAHD and he would jump at the chance, but because he earns much more than i ever could it isn't an option. Shame, really, because he is so much better at the whole 'playing with kids' thing than I am.
Ho hum.

There is a dad who is a SAHD at DS's nursery. He is fab. Brilliant bloke, hands on, lots of fun, clearly made for the role. His wife is lovely, too, and not some sort of ruthless career bitch .

This is indeed the noughties and I hope to see much more flexibility in terms of the roles men and women take within the family in future.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 21:41

Oh I know psychomum, it drives me nuts, whichever way around, but this way it just seems like people are more upfront about their disdain.

MrsMattie, I earn more than he could also.. but also I like work, and he's far more patient and able to keep house than I am

OP posts:
TrillianEAstraEgg · 06/04/2009 21:41

Is it because a lot of women (plenty of them on MN) see men as being somehow less capable than women in the case of childcare, household chores, etc?

So where a SAHM might not be lazy because she might be doing a lot of work looking after childre, cooking, cleaning, runing a home, they assume that a SAHD will be doing the bare minimum and tfore must be lazy?

TrillianEAstraEgg · 06/04/2009 21:42

children running*therefore

Bloody fingers won't do the typing.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 21:48

Yes, that's very often the case Trillian - they think he sits and plays the Xbox all day whilst smoking weed and tucking his tracky bottoms into his socks

He does everything that a SAHM would do... and better than me

Obviously I still find new and interesting ways to moan about him

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 06/04/2009 21:53

He is lazy, wimpy and a parasite living of your earnings and intellignce

Ronaldinhio · 06/04/2009 21:54

spells intelligence wrongly

arf

BlueIsTheColour · 06/04/2009 22:01

My DP was a SAHD too - for 4 years. He took a career break from the Civil Service after my mat leave (i earned more so I went back to work).We came across the same attitudes you are - sad isn't it?

He was brilliant - much better than I would have been, however he was always on his own at Mother & baby groups etc. The other mums always seemed to exclude him/regard him with a degree suspicion ) and even though he tried to be friendly they never included him (their loss).

He even learned to clean the bathroom properly too

SAHP are IMHO unsung heroes and should get some decent recognition for everything they do.

So YANBU at all

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 22:08

Ronaldinhio that's what I keep telling him

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 06/04/2009 22:10

my dh would be a great sahp too, I wish he would

pavlovthepregnantcat · 06/04/2009 22:13

I am so with you on this one. DH lost his job a few months ago, and prior to that worked part time, we both shared child care.

When he worked part time, people presumed it was because that was the only work he could get, and now, while he cares for DD, and maintains the house while I work, it is very much looked upon as DH being 'out of work' rather than he is being a househusband. The reality is, he is looking for work, but it is not like he is useless at home and he should be out at work. If the role was reversed, people would presume I was a stay at home mum, not a woman who has lost her job and is currently out of work.

He does a bloody good job at home. Not as good as me, of course, but well enough!

pavlovthepregnantcat · 06/04/2009 22:15

[apart from not getting out of bed early enough in the morning - he is crap at that!)

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 22:20

Someone said to me today - is your dh still babysitting?

F.F.S.

OP posts:
Technofairy · 06/04/2009 22:34

There's always one exception to the rule. My brother was a SAHD and he was completely lazy.

If he could forget or half do a job he would. My poor ex-SIL (yes ex and I understand why) used to have to catch up on housework when she got home from work. He was writing a novel you see..... and as soon as DN was at school that is all he did. It's still unfinished obviously. Things might have been different if they hadn't been 300 miles away but I doubt it.

He's my brother and I adore him but he totally took the piss. I'm sure that they aren't all like him though!

Snorbs · 06/04/2009 22:41

SerendipitousHarlot - "babysitting" - FFS indeed!

A while after I became a full-time single dad, I had a woman in the school playground say "Aw, I bet you can't wait for your ex to sort herself out so she can have the kids" Somehow I doubt she would've said that to a single mum...

The peculiar thing is that I've only had these kinds of comments from (a small number of) women. The only comments I've had from men about it are either "Bloody hell, that's got to be hard work" or "Good for you!" Some women seem to be almost threatened by a man taking the leading role in parenting. Most odd.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 22:46

Snorbs it's mostly women that have that attitude, I'll agree.

Maybe it is a threat. Maybe they're threatened by having a man Enter The Inner Sanctum. As it were

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 06/04/2009 22:47

babysitting....

ooh, I would have wanted to stomp on their toes for that comment

Ronaldinhio · 06/04/2009 22:50

Snorbs I thought there was a concerted effort to remove all dads from mn...don't you have some socks to pair or food to batch freeze...reruns of Deperate Housewifes to watch etc etc???

ILIVEONBENEFITS · 06/04/2009 22:59

I'm a SAHD and I have 6 children 2 of whom are SN and I find that society says it wants equality but in reality it doesnt practice what it preaches.I gave up a good career in Social Work to be home and help with the children and even now all the letters from schools and doctors etc are addressed to my wife and never me.I have had mums ask me questions about school issues in the playground only for another mum to tell her "what are you asking him for? he's just a man dad"
Very few of the other mums at the school will talk to me in the playground and will often talk to my children or my wife but rarely acknowledge I am there.

There is no equality in society and there never will be as long as even men who have made the "leap" are still treated like mouth breathing cavemen

sorry! rant over

Snorbs · 06/04/2009 23:02

Ronaldinhio I do have some towels to get out of the washing machine and I need to prep the breadmaker so we've got a fresh loaf for the morning. But I've also just had a good scratch of my bollocks so I'm not sure where that leaves me.

Ronaldinhio · 06/04/2009 23:07

goddamn your breadmaking ways

lusts after warm bread in the morning...considers making some...remembers being a lazy slattern...mentally promises herself and children that she will make some this weekend

Thanks evil sahd for pushing me out of inaction....grudgingly

ILIVEONBENEFITS · 06/04/2009 23:12

Snorbs you are letting the side down there.

Aren't you supposed to scratch your bollocks before you prep the bread maker, giving it that extra something then get the towels out ( wiping the bollocks tainted breadmix on them ) before leaving them slightly damp on the sofa overnight because your partner didn't remind you to hang them up?

skramble · 06/04/2009 23:13

ExH was not a SAHD but I know what you mean about 'babysitting'. If I was working in the evening people would ask is your H babysiting tonight then, I would reply no he is looking after his own children.

TBH he really only did babysit them till I got back as he was shit .

Snorbs · 06/04/2009 23:20

ILIVEONBENEFITS, dammit you're right. In my defence, I have genuinely just let loose with a burp that woke up our hamster

OK, I'm off to get some pubes in the bread and some skid-marks on the towels. Surely, though, damp towels should be left on the bed, not the sofa?

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