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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not expect people to think my dh is lazy because he's a SAHD?

68 replies

SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 21:33

I really cannot bear this attitude, and I see examples of the prejudice every day.

People treat me as if

(a) dh is to be pitied because he can't get a proper job

(b) I must be some awful controlling harridan who's career means more to me than my children, and dh MUST OBEY ME

It's role reversal, pure and simple. Let's have some forward thinking, people, IT'S THE NOUGHTIES FFS!!!

I thank you.

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 08/04/2009 09:04

bergentulip - blindness to clutter isn't gender related either, I do it and I'm a SAHM.

I just don't get the whole thing about Dads being rubbish. DH is great with our DDs (although he admits that he'd find it hard day in and day out and is glad to go to work when they're both screaming!). The best playgroup leader in this area is a man. He's a complete natural.

allthoseeggsaremine · 08/04/2009 11:49

......jeez...pubs in the bread....put me right off my hotcross bun

citronella · 08/04/2009 12:18

my exh was a SAH for 10yrs before he became a SAHD. He was great with the DC but ended up resenting me for being constantly tired after a day's work, and a bit like Technofairy's DB's case, I ended up doing housework t weekends and getting up to dcs in the night. He was too fond of the booze as well but always claimed he was 'busy' trying to start up his own business .

I think that role reversal works if its for a clearly defined and agreed period and if the roles themselves are clearly defined and agreed. Saves resentments on both sides in the long run.

citronella · 08/04/2009 12:19

Of course to the outside world I was so lucky that my DH was willing to stay at home.

EasterBunnysWizzskas · 08/04/2009 12:54

Salla hope you're joking.

SH, as a working mum with DH a SAHD I've not come accross any prejudice luckily. But we live in London in an area with lots of actors and media types so there are a few dads about in the daytimes. Apart from the odd jokey comment about DH hanging around all the time with other mums, people will talk type stuff - we've not had any problems.

DB was also a SAHD. He faced no prejudice either. He just used to complain that it was
hard being the only man going to baby music group and having the only deep voice.

Original poster

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/04/2009 12:59

workshy how have you put up with that?

OP posts:

Original poster

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/04/2009 13:00

EasterBunnysWizzskas I can imagine it's a lot different Daaahhn Saaff.. I'm up Norf you see, and the gender differences are immense, still.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 08/04/2009 13:13

It's interesting to hear that Serendipitous. I'm also in London, and some of the other mums comment on the fact they NEVER see my DH at school, because he works normal hours!

FairMidden · 08/04/2009 19:22

DP has been a SAHD for over a year now and he's not only fantastic at it, but we've never had any really negative comments at all. Mostly people are surprised but positive - even older generations who I'd expect to be a bit less open to it have been very encouraging, and have commented on how good it is for dads to be getting more involved these days. In fact, older women seem quite wistful sometimes!

If other parents think less of us for this then it's their choice - although it's hardly a secret that financially we had few options.

For DS it has worked out fantastically well and although DP is starting part-time work soon he's really enjoyed himself too.

earthpixie · 08/04/2009 19:47

I work a 45 hour week and DH stays at home with our 2 yo DS.

It's working out very well and they have a wonderful relationship.

I teach in a boarding school and get massive hols, so I get almost 1/3 of the year at home.

I treasure my time with DS; it's never a bore or a chore.

It works if you can both get your heads around it.

The usual reaction I get when I tell other women is naked envy!

domesticslattern · 08/04/2009 20:06

We have not had negative comments. On the contrary in fact- more along the lines of

"OOOOH It's so nice to have a man here at the group!"

(when DH takes DD to play group- I think the Children's Centre like it as they get extra points for 'diversity'!)

Laaahdaaan again though.

KimiWantsAnEasterEgg · 08/04/2009 20:11

I have worked full time pre children
Part time since having them
and now SAHM

I think I work harder running the home and sorting out everyone in it then I ever did in a full time job, at least come 6.00pm my time was my own and I got holiday.

Saying that would not swap it for the world, I love being mummy

luckymummy74 · 08/04/2009 20:57

Haven't had time to read the whole thread propeerly but I will do as very interested.

My DH and I are in the extremely fortunate position where we both work part time and share the childcare between us. We have a 1 and a 3 year old. I work 21 hrs a week (2.5 days) and he works 3 12 hour shifts every 8 days.

We have been doing this since Feb this year. The best thing for me has been his proper realisation that is is extremely wearing looking after 2 young kids every day. He is a different person when I get home from my day sat work (knackered, drawn looking, not up for anything). I feel very lucky that he experiences what most women do.

I don't think people pity him as such? Most of our friends are very envious. (like earthpixie situation).

One of DH's childless friends said 'you jammy bastard, only working 3 days a week!' to which I replied that he was more than welcome to have our 2 girls for a whole day to see how 'easy' it is. He soon shut up!

My cousin was also a FT SAHD.

I personally think it's great that men/Dads are getting more invloved in the childcare.

luckymummy74 · 08/04/2009 20:59

days at work.

Not day sat work ( I do much more than just sit at work!)

kickassangel · 08/04/2009 21:33

i think there are some very stereotypical views of the gender roles in family life, and that can lead to both 'why doesn't he have a job' type accusations, and also, 'it's so amazing he knows which end of the baby to hold' stupidity as well.

when i had dd, dh's job was very unstable, and there was a distinct posibility that he'd be a SAHD whether he wanted to or not. the midwife, on hearing this, immediately said to let her know if things changed, as she had a 'group' of dads who met up each week to play golf & go to the pub. I have a lovely image of a group of dad going round the golf course, with buggies/toddlers attached to the clubs on a leash, or babies crawling all over the putting green.

workshy · 08/04/2009 23:10

I have put up with my OH being a lazy sod because I am a mug!

that and the fact that I work shifts and I could not do my job without him and I couldn't pay my mortgage without working as he doesn't/couldn't/wouldn't contribute.

I am trying to train him and he does run the girls around to dancing class etc but it is a very slow process!

in terms of other peoples reactions to our family set up, the men that I work with keep asking when he is going to get a proper job, but the women don't bat an eyelid, alot of them work the evening shift part time, hubby comes in from his job and they come out to work, think more and more familys are working on that basis now

Twinklemegan · 08/04/2009 23:18

Yep, I agree with the OP. The first question I'm always asked is "so does your husband work?". My reply - yes, he looks after 2 year old DS. It rarely passes without further comment.

My parents are as bad as any. For months they banged on about him getting a part time job on evenings and weekends. I couldn't work evenings and weekends alongside my full-time job. Why the hell should I expect him to? I know some people do, but the fact is we're getting by (just) and he's not in the best of health. It certainly wouldn't do DS any favours if DH burned himself into the ground. My parents have now seen the light because he's also renovating the house - apparently that is now enough work.

I hate this blinkered attitude. [grrr]

Rockdoctor · 09/04/2009 08:57

Haven"t read the whole thread but it's an interesting one. DH has just started a full time job after being a SAHD for 12 months - I'm about to be made redundant so we're swapping roles. Being a SAHD hasn't been easy for him and it hasn't been easy for me - not all dads are cut out for the role although he has bonded fantastically with DD who is now struggling to get her head around the fact that daddy goes to work rather than mummy.

I don't recall DH having many problems with his SAHD role - the other mums at toddler group loved the fact there was a bloke around and I think that for the past few months he hasn't been the only one. I know he's had a few comments when out with DD and finding male friendly baby changing facilities was a challenge in the early months.

The BIG problem was when he started applying for jobs after Christmas. He was looking at quite senior roles, similar to what he had before, but the 12 month "gap" on his CV "to look after his child" was seen very negatively by recruiters (basically they just saw him as being unemployed for 12 months) and he's ended up taking a massive pay cut which I suspect is more than a woman in a similar situation would take - I think in career terms the gender stereotyping is alive and well.

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