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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect people to think my dh is lazy because he's a SAHD?

68 replies

SerendipitousHarlot · 06/04/2009 21:33

I really cannot bear this attitude, and I see examples of the prejudice every day.

People treat me as if

(a) dh is to be pitied because he can't get a proper job

(b) I must be some awful controlling harridan who's career means more to me than my children, and dh MUST OBEY ME

It's role reversal, pure and simple. Let's have some forward thinking, people, IT'S THE NOUGHTIES FFS!!!

I thank you.

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 06/04/2009 23:22

iliveonbenefits...what was the inspiration for your name?

ILIVEONBENEFITS · 07/04/2009 00:41

oh dear snorbs my mistake i thought the sofa was the bed lmao

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 07/04/2009 13:43

Snorbs

OP posts:
gardeningmum05 · 07/04/2009 13:56

my ex was a SAHD and he was a lazy, lying crap at his job moron. spent all day watching football, neglected the kids and house.
he worked part time but he was shit at that too so got the sack.
then i sacked him

cornflakegirl · 07/04/2009 17:25

My DH is a SAHD, and I don't think either of us have encountered this prejudice - at least, not to our faces. People are sometimes surprised, but not rude. And the (mostly female) staff at preschool love him!

drosophila · 07/04/2009 17:37

Surely it's whatever works for you as a family.

screamingabdab · 07/04/2009 17:38

Serendipitous I totally agree that there is this attitude.

I also think, that ironically, there is another opposite prejudice that SAHD are wonderful for doing what they are doing, that they are special, almost better than SAHM. Has anyone else encountered this, (or am i talking out of my arse?)

screamingabdab · 07/04/2009 17:43

ILIVEONBENIFITS seems I AM talking out of my arse, reading your post. Sorry

Salla · 07/04/2009 17:59

OP We might all think that we want a role reverseal in order to pursue our careers, but truthfully, do you actually find your man sexually attractive anymore? He may be brilliant father and great at playing with the kids, but what about the DNA dear? We women are still hardwired to do the nurturing and the men are hardwired to earn the money? You cannot just wipe away millions of years of evolution just cause its the naughties

lal07 · 07/04/2009 18:00

My DH has been at home with our son for a year now - he is absolutely brilliant. With exception of his mother everyone has been very supportive - my favourite quote..."all my friends keep asking me when he's going back to work, I think it's my fault for being too much of a feminist when I was bringing him up". Arf arf. Especially as FIL has never made his own dinner/cleaned the house. And this isn't MIL bashing - in general she's fine. But doesn't really get it.

screamingabdab I do think you have a point - he is treated like some kind of walking miracle because he can remember to take spare clothes and rice cakes with him whereas if I was doing it would be taken for granted.

screamingabdab · 07/04/2009 18:09

la107 that's what I mean.

Though to re-iterate, i do think the OPs point is also valid

screamingabdab · 07/04/2009 18:10

SallaI find my DH very sexually attractive when he is playing with the children

lal07 · 07/04/2009 18:11

Yes - I definitely think that people presume that I'm a terrible harridan who chains him to sink/children each morning before clacking off in my high heels to stand on some more men at work. Although...

screamingabdab · 07/04/2009 18:16
spursmummy · 07/04/2009 18:36

I went back to work when dd was 4 months old and dh went part-time - he hated his job (was getting down and stressed) and was paid a lot less than me, I loved mine and have been with my company for ages so get benefits like pension, childcare vouchers etc. To me it was a complete no-brainer and dh was really good with dd and doing housework, shopping etc. Still found myself constantly justifying it to everyone and people (especially in our families and stupid health visitors ) really looked down on him. I reckon during the 8 months we did this that he had a much tougher time than I did, looking after small children and a house is no picnic!

lal07 · 07/04/2009 19:00

Salla that is nonsense on stilts. I find my DH incredibly attractive - more so because he is such a good Dad. Is actually quite recent idea (post-industrial) that division of labour between sexes is so rigid - not product of millions of years of evolution.

When DH said that he was going to be at home for a year with DS people kept asking him what he was going to do with his year off...not a question a woman would get. And funnily enough he's not had time to write a novel/do another degree/learn a language.

spursmummy our HV genuinely didn't get and kept phoning me at work. She wouldn't go round to see DH and DS unless I was there

bergentulip · 07/04/2009 19:09

My DH is a fantastic SAHD!

(although he has a strange affliction which renders him incapable of seeing clutter and items which need taking up the stairs / putting away!)

Bigpants1 · 07/04/2009 19:40

Salla,what are you saying?If you turn round your post, then it would follow, that men whose wives are SAHMS, do not find them sexually attractive.My,my,what a lot of sexually frustrated couples there must be out there-and where do all these dear DC that we all talk/moan about come from?I might be slightly related to ILIVEONBENEFITS, and I can assure you theres nowt wrong with us in the bedroom department-hence the 6 DC,(though people have asked us when we are going to get a TV).
screamingabdab-I can assure you he is not nor allowed to be seen as a super duper hero,(unless I want a lie-in or cup of tea), the rest of the time, he is chained to the kitchen sink and lashed if he turns the white washing pink. And, yes, I am SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED...at least in my dreams.Have to go, DH is moaning the DC want to play on HIS computer again. Sigh...

MorningTownRide · 07/04/2009 19:46

Salla - shut up.

You obviously don't have the foggiest of what your blithering about.

Ok? There's a love.

Snorbs · 07/04/2009 19:46

screamingabdab, you're not wrong. I have had a few patronising comments about what a wonderful job I'm doing when, really, I'm doing nothing particularly different than god knows how many single mums I know. I've got a part-time job, two school-age kids and an ex who's a pain in the arse - if you ignore the relevant genders, it's not exactly a rare situation.

sarah293 · 07/04/2009 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

screamingabdab · 07/04/2009 20:16

I think Salla is joking!

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 07/04/2009 23:23

salla was plainly joking

OP posts:
workshy · 08/04/2009 00:29

my OH left work 4 years ago and he is the laziest sod, I come in from a 9 hour day plus 2 hrs travelling to two hungry kids asking me what is for tea!

it has taken him 3 years to figure out that the washing doesn't do itself!

youngest is in full timne school now so he has no excuses for not looking for a job!

grrrrrr

MorningTownRide · 08/04/2009 08:50

Can you tell I'm quite defensive about this??

I've had 'discussions' about dhs (SAHD) masculinity before on MN.

Luckily he and I haven't really come across any of the attitudes SH has.