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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that i feel as though i have to buy my friends

54 replies

MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 20:49

I have been a single parent not for 7 months and have recently got a car and am trying to get out more and see old friends.

The trouble is i feel as though i have to literaly bribe them to come over, i have had this my whole life and whilst when i had a job i was able to do it, as a single mum i can no longer afford it, so remain pretty much friend free. I know it's not great having to buy my friends but at least that way i have some.

I always try to be nice to people so it's not that i am a bitch, i just don't think i am a very likeable person.

I have moved from area to area all my life so don't have any lifelong friends like most of the people in my area do.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 03/04/2009 20:51

What do you mean by bribe them?

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 20:57

Just they don't seem to want to come unless i tell them i will get some drink in (i don't usually drink) Or promise to take them out the next day, Before i had DS i used to end up buying most of their meals for them because they used to spend all their money on alcohol, and even drugs, but never around me because they know i disapprove.

I just wish i had some friend who just wanted to come around for my company

OP posts:
mummymash · 03/04/2009 20:59

Do your friends have children? Not that friendships should ever end if someone has children but it can sometimes be difficult when leading such different lives to carry on the way things were.
Has your HV mentioned any parent groups you can join&go along for coffe and chat to mums/dads while the children play. Its scary at first to walk into room full of people you don't know, but all parents certainly have something in common to break the ice.
Maybe worth putting a message out to mumsnetters saying the area you're in to meet new people?

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 21:00

they don't actually sound like friends tbh.

can you not try to get out and about and meet new people? if your child is young, then toddler groups, or college course, or mumsnet local...

hatwoman · 03/04/2009 21:00

they don;t sound like very good friends. I would try to stop trying to bribe them - have confidence to find friends with whom you have somtheing in common. you say you're not into drinking - (and this lot obviously are) what are you into? it's cliched advice - and v. hard for a single mum - but can you find an activity - book group? art class? something that you'll enjoy anyway, and where you might just meet some new, nice, people.

hatwoman · 03/04/2009 21:01

too much "trying" in that sentence...sorry!

Nontoxic · 03/04/2009 21:04

So these were your friends pre-baby.

I agree that you need to try and make some 'baby friends' - it's not easy and they won't necessarily be lifelong friendships but if you can find people to spend time with you can help each other through quite a difficult time.

Be confident in yourself and your own value as a person - you can start with a clean slate and there doesn't have to be this feeling of 'bribery.'

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:05

They have children, most of my 'friends' had children before me, i used to do alot of babysitting for them so they could go out, but now my DS is here i havent been offered once to have a night out where they babysit (not that i would want them to)

I did start going to groups and meeting new mums before but i got depressed and i think i might have been weird and then pushed all the new people i met away.

I didn't mean this thread to be so moaning, i just need to suck it up and go back to these groups

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:07

I have had to buy electricity for these friends when i go over their house on several occasions because they didn't have any, and nearly always get talkied into running errands for them when i really can't afford the petrol

OP posts:
kalo12 · 03/04/2009 21:09

sounds like something in the way you choose friends. go and have some counselling. its great.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 21:11

they are using you, can't you see that?

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:11

I am having couselling atm, i might bring this up with her at the next session.

We have touched on how when i have relationships i always compromise what i want in order to have the person their, so i guess this also runs into my friendships

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:12

I guess they are using me, i just don't have many friends so have just accepted it in return for the friendship

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Nontoxic · 03/04/2009 21:14

Going to groups is a habit that has to be developed like any other.

I'd hate to think of someone not going out because they think they're 'wierd' - in fact, that makes me think you might be still a little depressed or socially anxious.
Have you tried your gp to see if they can suggest anything to help?

Longtalljosie · 03/04/2009 21:14

I think your self-esteem is very low, do you mind my saying that?

Really you should be saying, fuck them. They don't sound like proper friends. Keep trying with the new mums. It's hard for everyone meeting new people, it's not just you. But it gets easier with practice.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 21:15

they're not giving you friendship. you are being used and what they give you in return is their physical presence. That's not friendship.

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:21

I have been to the dr today actually, i had stopped taking my ADs because i wasn't sleeping but i have been put on some new ones with i have to take just before bed.

I think i am socially anxious too, i thik that because most of my contact with people is with healthcare professionals wanting to talk about me, or homestart wanting to talk about me, or other people, still wanting to talk about me, then when i meet someone new i carry on the pattern and end up talking just about me, i used to be a good listener and have proper conversations with people but now i just end up talking about the things i have dont recently (not really that interesting) and forgetting to ask questions too.

I have to travel over 20 miles to see a particular set of 'friends' and when i get there i get asked if i have money, if i wouldn't mind taking them somewhere, can i help them, i dunno, do the garden, sort out their DD or help tidy the kitchen, i wouldn't mind the helping out with stuff but when i lend them money they never pay it back and i cant afford it, they never offer petrol money so that comes out of my pocket too.

OP posts:
HenriettaJones · 03/04/2009 21:28

Hi, your "friends" sound like total **s

I think like you say you need to go back to mum and kid groups. Don't bother with anyone who uses you.

I am a single mum too, and since having DS I have had to shed a few "friends" who just didn't understand that I couldn't give them what they needed anymore. Some of them noticed that I stopped wanting to see them, some of them didn't!

I think all mums go through this. But the difficulty in being single is that you do need so much more yourself from friendships. Only today I had a conversation with a fellow mum in a park and realised she was backing away as I told her too much info (nothing dodgy, just waffle!)

We don't get to have adult conversation as often, so we rely more on talking to other people. My parents get really fed up with me!

Do you have a supportive family? I think the idea about a book club/similar is great. I have just started a dance class and there are a real mix of people there. If a trusted member of your family was willing to babysit?

I find having "baby" friends and "non-baby" friends really great for my split personality!

But defo get rid of the old lot.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 21:29

oh please stop seeing them - really, they are taking the piss. whereabouts are you? maybe there are mners nearby who would love to meet for coffee? if you're near me, I would

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:39

I have only just started getting out of the house again since i got my car last week, before then the only adult company i had was health professionals and my parents who i stay with most weekends, but i think even they are getting sick off me as i have been staying at theirs more and more because i hate being on my own at night. DS is only 15 months and goes to bed at 7 so from 7 onwards it's just me.

I kept inviting these friends over so that i could have company in the evening but they would always forget or be convieniantly ill.

I have been thinking about just getting rid of the old lot recently anyway, i think that my couselling isn't going to be working that well if i continue to let people treat me in this way.

When i was with my XP we rarely had any friends over so mostly relied on each other for company, now he has gone i don't have any company.

My sister did start coming over for a while but stopped, saying if i need help then i know where she is, but when it comes to the crunch she isn't actually there, it's just words.

Sometimes i think i need to change who i am and start drinking more but worry because before i met XP i was drinking loads and sometimes wonder if i hadn't have met him (very against alcohol) them i would have became an alcoholic.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:40

I am in Stamford, i have tried on the 'meet up' area before, there isn't anyone near me, or that wants to meet up with me.

OP posts:
LadyOfWaffle · 03/04/2009 21:44

o as soon as you're more confident driving please come down here . {{hugs}}

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 21:44

I am going to be SLAUGHTERED for saying this, and it will probably be deleted, but have you tried netmums? NOT to leave mumsnet (don't you DARE! ) but they have a really good 'local' set up I think, much more focus on meeting up than mumsnet.

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:46

LOW, i would love to, sorry for not chatting much recently, have been pretty much living at my parents house, much to my dads (mock) disgust, the only downside being they have no internet.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 21:47

Hecate, i have reported that post

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