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Original poster

To be upset that i feel as though i have to buy my friends

54 replies

MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 20:49

I have been a single parent not for 7 months and have recently got a car and am trying to get out more and see old friends.

The trouble is i feel as though i have to literaly bribe them to come over, i have had this my whole life and whilst when i had a job i was able to do it, as a single mum i can no longer afford it, so remain pretty much friend free. I know it's not great having to buy my friends but at least that way i have some.

I always try to be nice to people so it's not that i am a bitch, i just don't think i am a very likeable person.

I have moved from area to area all my life so don't have any lifelong friends like most of the people in my area do.

OP posts:
HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 21:48

I bet they ban me

LadyOfWaffle · 03/04/2009 21:49

Pleeeeeease do. It's ok, I've been getting early nights (for me) so not been around much either

hatwoman · 03/04/2009 21:50

MsSpent - you don't need to change who you are - and you certainly don;t need to drink. ok so there may be ways you can be a slightly better friend (which I say, not because I know you, or because I think you;re doing anything wrong - but just because there's always room for improvement, for all of us) but everyone has good bits that inform who they are. I don't know you at all but I can see from your posts that you are kind and giving and that you have some wit (your mn name is great). take a look at some small recent achievements and set yourself some small goals - you've got a small child and your relationship has recently finished for heaven's sake - you;ve been through an enormous amount - be gentle on yourself - try to see the good bits and build on them

MrsMcCluskey · 03/04/2009 21:52

Ms Spent - sounds like you are choosing friends who are not good enough for you. You deserve better.
Go back to baby groups and seek out people who are more like you.
HAve faith in yourself. Yu are a good person, that is why your 'friends' lean on you. Dont let them use you.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 03/04/2009 21:53

You sound like such a lovely person but all of your 'friends' are not really friends as the others have said. A friend doesn't come and see you or spend time with you in return for something, they want to spend time with you because they like you, they don't forget to turn up and they will phone you to see how you are, not because they want something. You deserve so much more then this. I do agree that netmums (I'll wash my mouth out in a minute) is better for meet ups and making friends.

It sounds like you need to take some time to find out who you are, find out what you enjoy. Your own company shouldn't be a bad experience, you can use this time to think/plan/rest/work out who you are and where you want to go.

Go back to the mummy and baby/toddler groups. These will help you meet people aswell.

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 22:06

The counseller i saw when i was at college seemed to think that i was 'afraid or silence' and my couseller now thinks there may be something in it but thinks the last cousellor went about everything all wrong.

Thank you to you MNers that have came and spoken to me on FB, its made me feel so much better, sorry for not being able to keep up that well though

OP posts:
JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 03/04/2009 22:08

You are being used. The counselling will help you but you'll need to be patient. At one point, I felt the only friend I had was my counsellor, even though I knew she wasn't a friend actually.

Hang in there. Keep trying the toddler groups. If there is anything you're particularly interested in, you could try an afternoon class (quite a lot of colleges have creches I think but I might be mad on that). Libraries usually have sessions for small children with stories and other things.

Take things slowly with new people. There are usually 'regulars' at the park, and you will gradually get to know them, if you go often. I spent hours and hours in the park with dd.

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 22:16

I have been thinking about doing a couselling course, i don't know if they do it in the evenings though, but i guess it doesn't really matter, i don't work much atm.

I am just afraid of failing it, the last course i started i dropped out of when i found out my pops had cancer, it was just the straw that broke the camels back. i do want to get back to studying, i don't have any qualifications so need to make myself employable for when DS starts school and i can work.

I met a new mum recently and she mentioned she liked something that i had that i wasn't using atm and i had to really stop myself from giving it to her, because i didn't want to set the pattern with them IYSWIM

I really think that a couselling course would help me face up to my problems and learn about myself, i think at 22 i have alot of life experiance i could use to try to help others, i have always wanted to be in the sort of job that i can help others in. this might be the one for me????

OP posts:
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 03/04/2009 22:23

Counselling can be hard. It does help others but there's often a cost to you as their problems can eat you IYSWIM.

It sounds like you need to find out who you are before you do anything else. Find the things that you enjoy and will make your life better, not someone elses. This can come later.

tigerdriver · 03/04/2009 22:23

It really does sound as if your "friends" are using you. There are lots of genuine people out there at all sorts of places who won't do. Do break this - my mum and dad are very elderly and have "friends" like this - they go out for a day and ask my parents for petrol money etc, or make them feel they have to offer £££ (I caught my dad giving them £40 for taking him to the pub and letting him buy their drinks)because my m and d don't want to be "beholding". Not healthy and real friends don't think like this.

MotherofInvention · 03/04/2009 22:27

You sound lovely, sensible and bright - hard to believe you're only 22. You also sound depressed, so it's great that you're having counselling and seem to have some faith in it. I'd say a good way to get a handle on depression is to really get to know yourself. So use the counselling to the full as a way of exploring what you really love doing and what your ambitions are. Ditch the idiots who make you feel bad, focus on the things that make you happy, and uf you stick with it things will start to evolve into a better life for you and your son.

tigerdriver · 03/04/2009 22:30

Well said MoI

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 22:33

I stick with the conselling because i feel like it is my last chance at sorting my head out, in my teens i had alot of bad experiences and even though i had a counseller before she made me feel uncomfortable, the one i have now is lovely and i get on well with her.

I do worry about what if it doesn't work though, i think i do what you do HJ and launch into coversation with people and clumsily scare peopel off, i think it has also helped towards me being socially incompetant, i think i also open up too quickly, and have had it thrown back in my face many times, i just seem to talk before i think.

OP posts:
tigerdriver · 03/04/2009 22:36

If you are just meeting people socially, stick to the really tedious stuff like the weather, something on the news etc etc or something you can talk about that's happened to you, however boring (eg the washing machine packed in,,,,). I bet you'll find lots of people feel awkward and are pleased to have an easy convo. Launching into really personal stuff can be awkward and maybe steer away from that.

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 22:46

The mum i met recently, her DP is in the psychiactric sector and i find he keeps managing to get me to talk, keeps trying to get in my head and find out what i am about.

i have been trying to to open up too soon but he is so good at prising out information

OP posts:
HenriettaJones · 03/04/2009 22:53

I think tiger is right, I'm trying to stick to "are you going away in the Easter holidays?"!

and also the thing someone said about about getting to know regulars at the park, you can ask the age of their kids and stuff. I find it easier to stop my waffling by asking questions!

DS is 4 now and I have some really close mum friends who I feel I can talk a bit more openly to, and I am just learning to hold it down a bit with the other ones who I don't know quite so well. (For reasons similar to you - that sometimes it gets thrown back in your face)

If you try small talk with loads of new mums, one of them might end up being someone you can be closer to.

With your family, why not invite your sister over one eve every now and then? Maybe she'll realise you're fun! I recently had a few friends over for a game of cards and it was really nice. If your sis has a fave movie you could suggest she come over and watch it?

HenriettaJones · 03/04/2009 22:54

oooooooooooooh I have friends like that! I always come away feeling violated!

Maybe you could meet that friend when her DP isn't there!

HenriettaJones · 03/04/2009 22:58

I really must go to sleep now, I hope you feel better.

It does get better you know, you get more out and about the older they get. Now that DS is at nursery I get to have much more small talk!

I will be back tomorrow! Have a nice weekend, spend sunny days in the park and sing songs to baby, and remind yourself that you are doing the best job in the world

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 22:59

He lives away most of the time but has been there every time i have seen her so far.

she doesn't actually live near me atm but wants to move near me (she is from here) but doesn't have many friends either, i am hoping a friendship will come out of this, she seems to be like me in quite a few ways, but i don't want to rush things and look needy.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 23:02

Thank you. All of you.

I am trying my new ADs tonight and the apparently make you drowsy so i don't know how long i will be able to stay awake (am just about to take them) so if i suddenly stop posting i am ok, probably just asleep

OP posts:
MrsMcCluskey · 03/04/2009 23:08

Sweet Dreams MSE!!

Original poster
MsSpentEaster · 03/04/2009 23:10

And you too MMC, i will sign off now and have a lie down

G'night ladies

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 03/04/2009 23:56

Hi MSE,

I think that aspiring to actually becoming a counsellor is a bit of a big step just yet, because you are still working on getting your own counselling right - BUT, I would definitely recommend a 'basic counselling' course. These are the very first stage of counselling training, and I did one a few years ago, though I'm not a counsellor, out of personal interest and because I also thought it would help me in my job. They usually last 10 weeks and don't cost too much (unlike higher level courses) and the assessment is not too difficult; in fact it's mainly about you getting to know yourself and writing about that.

I think this would be good for you because

a) it would be another thing that gets you out of the house and meeting new people
b) it will give you skills in having a conversation with people that is all about them, and not you - since your posts seem to say you are struggling with getting that balance right and not talking just about your stuff when you meet new people.
c) it allows you to check out a counselling career without committing too much right away.

Echoing what others have said, the people you describe are not real friends, so I would drift away from them and their selfish demands. You have to believe that you are worth enough not to have to 'pay' people for their company, which you are! It's just a question of finding the right people.

Not everyone will agree with this suggestion, and you may really not like it, which is of course your choice, but have you considering looking for activities or events on at a local church? IME people at church are pretty welcoming to newcomers, often have evening groups and stuff that is social, not just religious, and would certainly not be asking you for petrol, money etc - they are more likely to offer you lifts and so on than ask for them. It's a good way to get yourself into a community if you don't know an area well. I realise it may seem a bit cynical if you aren't actually religiously inclined but you can be honest and say you are interested in getting to know people. They will also most likely have child-friendly things going on.

HenriettaJones · 04/04/2009 20:24

How are you feeling today? Have you had a nice weekend so far?

wotulookinat · 04/04/2009 20:38

MsSpentEaster, do try the new ADs. They could be just what you need.
You could give NetMums a try - they have a good Meet-a-mum section.
I know how you feel about buying friends. I always end up 'helping' friends too much and rarely get much back in return. I'm just going to keep trying to meet new people until I meet someone who likes me for who I am!
Are you on FaceBook?