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AIBU?

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Original poster

He only wants one baby........

55 replies

kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:33

My fiancee has told me this evening that he only wants one child. We have a dd who is 8m and have spent a few hours this evening clearing out some of her baby baby clothes and other bits and pieces, to give to my brother who is becoming a Dad soon. My partner said' I dont know why you dont just sell that all that stuff, we wont be having anymore kids'. It turned into a row and Im pretty upset about the whole thing, especially as we have just booked our wedding for next summer. I dont want dd to be an only child. My partner is an only child and his reasons for not wanting anymore is because he cant imagine loving anyone as much as dd. Surely he is being selfish to say these things? I dont know what to do now....

OP posts:
diedandgonetodevon · 02/04/2009 22:38

I don't think he's being selfish- he wants what he thinks is best for your DD.
You need to have a proper talk about it (not another row) before you get married. He may come around to your POV in the end but equally he may not and if he doesn't you will either have to accept it or choose to move on.

juneybean · 02/04/2009 22:38

Had you spoken before about children before you had DD?

BananaFruitBunny · 02/04/2009 22:39

Is insisting on having another child not selfish then?

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:41

It only turned into a bit of a row because of the way he said it- like he has made up his mind... no more kids. I really feel strongly about dd not being an only child. Im not thinking straight away, but he was wrong to totally dismiss it altogether....

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 02/04/2009 22:41

wait. don't let it eat you up like it did me. don't let it create rage and anger and hate in your heart. it is very soon since you had your dd, it is v tough the transition to parenthood, sometimes more tough for some people than others. wait. try to be loving and patient. don't make this the one thing that would make everything alright in the world because it doesn't. you have ages before you start worrying about gaps and siblings. enjoy your dd, and enjoy each other.

from experience, that is my advice fwiw.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:43

DD was a lovely surprise. Im not insisting on anything bfb but to say he doesnt want anymore came as a bit of a shock. Its a joint decision surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:45

Thanks Sophable. Like I said Im not thinking about now... but def in the future I would love a sibling for dd.

OP posts:
elizabethlucy · 02/04/2009 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:46

But how did he react? Was he the same with your first?

OP posts:
BananaFruitBunny · 02/04/2009 22:46

It can't be a joint decision if you don't agree. How can it?

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:50

We need to sit down and talk about it. It was an off the cuff kind of remark. If we are to be married surely its a joint decision if we want any more future babies, not just his decision.

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 02/04/2009 22:51

kent you've got ages, please don't even think that anything could possibly be definitive.

there is no 'decision'. there is an illadvised statement that your partner has made about how he feels right now. not in 6 months time, not in a year's time, just today.

BananaFruitBunny · 02/04/2009 22:53

Or just your decision either?

Please don't be like a friend of mine. Couldn't accept the fact that her husband only wanted one child, pressured for a second, got her own way... and her husband buggered off within 6 months.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:53

Yes, your right. Im being over sensitive.

OP posts:
LadyOfWaffle · 02/04/2009 22:55

Your baby is still very young. I am desperate for no .3 (DS2 is 7m) but 1) I can understand about the fears of being able to love another as you love the one you have... it can seem an alien thought and 2) tiredness etc. is really getting into full swing. I do think you need to talk, he may be thinking you are thinking of having more soon but if you talk in terms of a few years away as a possibility he may be abit more OK with it. Men can just recoil totally

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 02/04/2009 22:56

Yes, you need to talk about it together. But you also need to think ahead to what you might do if, after this discussion, you and your fiance still can't agree. If he remains adamant that he doesn't want another baby and you remain adamant that you do, what will you do?

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:56

Before we got engaged we spoke about having a family and we ALWAYS said we would love 2 kids. It just shocked me a liitle tonight thats all and now hes gone to work and its been left like this.

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 02/04/2009 22:57

you're not being oversensitive, that's not what i'm saying...i'm just saying there is a lot of time for this discussion. try and focus on your lovely little baby.

wannaBe · 02/04/2009 22:57

but having another child needs to be a joint decision as well, and if he doesn't want any more then at the moment then he is entitled to that decision.

your dd is only a baby still, and he may come round.

But don't make your life about this.

You do have one child. That's a lot to be thankful for.

Wanting more than one child is no less selfish than wanting only one.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:59

Well exactly... thats what Im worried about. He knows how I feel about dd being an only child and I now know how he feels too! Im not talking about having another one 2m... We talked about it before, and we said it would be lovely to have another in a couplr of years. Thats why Im in a bit of shock, as Its like he has changed his mind....

OP posts:
wannaBe · 02/04/2009 23:01

and I would think carefully before considering issues such as potentially ending the relationship (as some have suggested).

I can see ending the relationship if there are no children, but ending one because you can't have the number of children you want to could easily come back to bite you - what would happen if you ended up with a man who was infertile?

If you love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him then you need to concentrate on that, rather than becoming all consumed about something which has no guarantees anyway.

myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:04

I don't think you are being over-sensitive but I'm surprised it isn't something you discussed before having your DD/getting engaged.

I disagree with the wait and see brigade. What if you wait and he never changes his mind? I would want to sort this out as soon as possible. If you discuss it and he is absolutely adamant that he does not want any more then you need to make a decision. For meit would be a dealbreaker but everyone is different and it may be something you can live with.

Oh and nobody can imagine loving another child as much as the one they have. But the truth is, they bring the love with them.

Hope it works out.

wannaBe · 02/04/2009 23:05

and what's wrong with having an only child?

You say your dp is an only child, perhaps if you are reiterating to him that you don't want an only child, he feels that you are indirectly criticising him in some way?

wannaBe · 02/04/2009 23:07

you see I think that breaking up a family, taking a child away from their father because you can't hav the number of children you want is far more selfish than not wanting another child. Because it becomes about other people rather than just you.

And if you ended a relationship over that there are no guarantees that you would ever find someone else, or that you would even be able to have more children even if you did.

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 23:08

I disagree my DH only wanted 1, we're going to have 4 by this time next year and he's not buggered off.
Keep talking that's my advice.

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