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AIBU?

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Original poster

He only wants one baby........

55 replies

kentDee · 02/04/2009 22:33

My fiancee has told me this evening that he only wants one child. We have a dd who is 8m and have spent a few hours this evening clearing out some of her baby baby clothes and other bits and pieces, to give to my brother who is becoming a Dad soon. My partner said' I dont know why you dont just sell that all that stuff, we wont be having anymore kids'. It turned into a row and Im pretty upset about the whole thing, especially as we have just booked our wedding for next summer. I dont want dd to be an only child. My partner is an only child and his reasons for not wanting anymore is because he cant imagine loving anyone as much as dd. Surely he is being selfish to say these things? I dont know what to do now....

OP posts:
myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:09

There's nothing wrong with one child if that's what both partners agree on.

Personally, if DH had said no more after DS it would have ended our marriage and I love him dearly. For me the longing for a second child was just as strong as the longing for my first. If nature had prevented it (either him or me) that would have been a different matter but I could not have carried on knowing it was possible and not being able to go ahead. But everyone is different.

You need to discuss it properly.

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 23:09

I disagree my DH only wanted 1, we're going to have 4 by this time next year and he's not buggered off.
Keep talking that's my advice.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 23:10

WannaBe its not like that at all. There is nothing wrong with having one child, but I would prefer to have 2, as he would or so he told me!

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 02/04/2009 23:12

i sort of don't understand the 'dealbreaker' bit tbh.

surely the love for your partner precedes and supercedes wanting more children. why on earth would anyone want another child with someone that only having one with would be a dealbreaker for? if that makes sense?

nametaken · 02/04/2009 23:12

Well I'd leave all the contraception up to him them, being as he's the one who doesn't want another child it's his responsibility to make sure he doesn't have one.

myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:12

Well I wanted 4,have 3 but would have stopped at 2 if he had desperately wanted. But I had an absolute physical longing for that second baby almost as soon as my first was born.

And I think it's no different from leaving a marriage for any other reasons of difference.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 23:15

Im still going to get married to him . I love him too much to call the whole thing off over what he said tonight. Like people have said, I need to discuss this fully with him.

OP posts:
myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:16

Well it would have been a dealbreaker for me. That's why we discussed it carefully before getting married.

How is one partner stopping at one any less selfish than another partner wanting 2 or 3? Surely his reasons can just as easily be selfish such as wanting more free time,more disposible income, more of his wife's time etc? I'm not saying this is wrong but noless selfish than OP wanting another.

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 23:16

It's about lifestyle choices isn't ?
If the man I married suddenly turned into a lental weaving hippy who wanted to sell the house and move to a caravan in Bryon Bay that would be as much of a deal breaker as the number of children, it's not what I signed up for.
Much as you take them in sickness and in health, you do have certain foundations upon which the relationship is built.
If I suddenly put 5 stone on my hubby would probably leave me, because that wasn't what he signed up for either.

Blarbie · 02/04/2009 23:16

My db said only one too after an unplanned first. He's always known I want a few, but said it was environmentally wrong to have more than one. I kept quiet about it for a while and then he must've changed his mind as we're now expecting our 2nd! Entirely intentional on his part!
Love doesn't divide between 2 with 2 children, it multiplies!!
Good luck!

wannaBe · 02/04/2009 23:17

of course it's different.

Would you have left if he had been infertile?

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 23:18

yes, future lifestyle choices!

OP posts:
Blarbie · 02/04/2009 23:18

I did what nametaken suggests.

wannaBe · 02/04/2009 23:21

and things change. Before we have children it's all very well saying we want 1/2/3/endless amounts of children, but that is in theory only, surely?

Because once you have your first child and you realize just how that changes your life, so your opinion on how many children you want can also change.

If this was a man pressuring a woman to have more children she didn't want the argument would still be on her side.

wannaBe · 02/04/2009 23:22

and if the man said he was going to leave because his dw didn't want more children he would be branded a selfish bastard.

myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:22

No, as I said, if another had been impossible medically one either side I would have accepted that. However, knowing it was possible but he was preventing it would have driven me mad. It would have consummed me.

And I still don't see how his reasons for not wanting another are any less selfish that hers for wanting another. Both have an element of selfishness whilst both are convinced it's best for the existing child.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 23:24

Im not pressuring him for more kids for gods sake. Im a little bit taken back by his comments tonight. Thats all.....

OP posts:
myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:25

No I wouldn't brand him selfish if she had agreed to more beforehand. Unless she had a very traumatic birth experience or it would compromise her health.

Sorrento · 02/04/2009 23:26

kent Dee this seems to happen a lot at the moment, some people just want a big kick off even when it's not there.
You're doing the right things, keep communicating and ignore the wind ups

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 23:27

How do you know how you will feel in 2- 3 years time? I might not want to start planning for another child myself. You just dont know whats going to happen, but to dismiss having another baby altogether is a bit uncalled for.

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 02/04/2009 23:27

I certainly think you need to sort this out before you get married. if you don't, and he doesn't change his mind, he is always going to be able to say that you knew this before getting married and that you are being unreasonable trying to change his mind. It is not a fair analogy to compare it to being with someone who is infertile. That is not the same situation at all. I am not saying you shouldn't marry him, just that you shouldn't do so without getting this issue sorted one way or the other.

myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:27

KD, don't worry. You don't even know how strongly he feels on the matter yet. That is why you need to talk it through.

I'm just explaining that despite loving my DH very much,if he had refused to have another child just because he was happy with one, I would have struggled to stay in the marriage.

Original poster
kentDee · 02/04/2009 23:32

Its early days for us at the moment, and Im cherishing all the time I have with my little girl. Who knows what will happen in the future with us.. we may end up with just one. I wake up every day and see dd little face and realise we are very lucky, and thats enough for me at this present time.

OP posts:
Simplysally · 02/04/2009 23:33

My OH always maintained that he didn't want kids... now he is anxious to be a father whether that is his own biologically or adoptively. Mind it's taken him somewhere in the region of 3 years to be this definite .

myredcardigan · 02/04/2009 23:35

And that is how it should be. However, it really is something you need to sort out before you get married. Your want/need for another may disappear. But equally it may get stronger as the years go on. You need to know where you both stand.