He only wants one baby........

[kentDee]

My fiancee has told me this evening that he only wants one child. We have a dd who is 8m and have spent a few hours this evening clearing out some of her baby baby clothes and other bits and pieces, to give to my brother who is becoming a Dad soon. My partner said' I dont know why you dont just sell that all that stuff, we wont be having anymore kids'. It turned into a row and Im pretty upset about the whole thing, especially as we have just booked our wedding for next summer. I dont want dd to be an only child. My partner is an only child and his reasons for not wanting anymore is because he cant imagine loving anyone as much as dd. Surely he is being selfish to say these things? I dont know what to do now....

If this is a change of mind on his part, could it be that he is still a bit "shellshocked" by parenthood? I agree with you that it is probably too early for either of you to be absolutely certain that you do (you) or don't (him) want any more children. Talk to him. I hope you can come to an agreement to at least leave making a final decision until much later. If nothing else it will give both of you the chance to think over what you each really want.

I have been desperate for another sib for dd for ages. Dp kept saying no, even made a throw away remark that really upset me along the lines of "Well lets get married so dd feels secure without sibs". I posted on here a while ago about how I felt.

We started to ttc in Jan, no BFP yet but tonight we were watching her playing in the garden and we were both talking about how nice it will be when she does have a sib.

I suppose I'm trying to say that sometimes it just takes time. Some men can't envisage a stage when the first child will be independent enough to make another dc more manageable until the first one has already reached that stage, ie they can't see an eight month old and think what they might be like in a year's time.

from another perspective, you equally might not feel like this for ever.

I have a friend whose dh wouldn't entertain the idea of another child for six years. then he changed his mind, they had a baby, and now she's the one that regrets it.

name calling and accusing others of being selfish in these situations is always going to end in tears because the accusation can be thrown straight back at you.
i.e.
your selfish for depriving me of more kids
your selfish for trying to force me to have more kids

the problem is this is not a compromise situation, this is a one partner either changing their minds or else settling for the others views situation because as is obvious, you can't have half a kid, or be part-time parents.
but to call either person selfish for wanting something different helps no one.

one thing though. don't expect hinm to change his mind and then become angry or resentful later on in life when he does not. you know his feelings now and he is being honest, surely this is better than fobbing you off and being vague only to disappoint later.

It's very early days - you need to amke it clear to him how much ahving another means to you and keep the dialogue going but...

would it really be a disaster if you just had one?

I'm an only child and was so determined not to have just one myself I even got DH to agree before we married that we would consider adoption if we had one and for some reason couldn't have a second one of our own.

Our lovely DD was born 18 months after we married and is now 4.6. We will not be having any more by biological or adoptive means.

Neither of us anticipated having just one child, but now we have DD we know that this is the best decision we can make for us and her.

Having/being an only child doesn't necessarily cause massive selfishness and psychological trauma !