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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Have a Secret Crush on UnQuietDad?

547 replies

secretcrush · 26/03/2009 17:43

Cant help it
The thought that there are intelligent, funny, non-sleazy men out there who have masses in common with me....

It just gives me hope

And he's a regular poster on MN too.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 13:16

Daftpunk - I could understand your concerns if this were just a chat forum, the likes of which you get on Yahoo. Course I'd be unhappy if my dh posted in chatrooms. The kind of people who generally use chatrooms are those looking for relationships of one form or another.

However this is a parenting forum. So generally the people who post here are posting from a parent's perspective. Men as well as women. If they wanted to seduce you, do you really think they'd choose Mumsnet to do that? There are loads of chat rooms on the internet for them to choose from.

Did you know that some women posters on Mumsnet don't have children? Does that mean they should not come into this forum too?

I think it's great that men do take an active role in parenting and are open to advice and suggestions. Confident enough even to post advice themselves.

You seem to mention UQD posting on the breastfeeding topic, can I ask you honestly, do you think he's getting a kick out of that? Is that why you keep bringing it up? If it is, that's a really perverted way of looking at things. UQD is a long-time poster of Mumsnet, a dad who wants to support his wife in breastfeeding. Please don't tell me that your mind is so closed you think he has an ulterior motive?

I don't know what else I can say to you. You've made up your mind that any man who posts on Mumsnet is clearly after something. This, you say, is based on your dh. Well that says a lot about your dh.

noddyholder · 30/03/2009 13:21

Well said rhubarb.I would just like to say that when my dp was looking after ds for the first 6 yrs of his life I would have loved to have known there was a support network like this open to both of us.Luckily all my female friends and the mums at the school were so welcoming and supportive of him and remain his friends(and mine) to this day.We are all parents

Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 13:23

My dh also became a house-husband for some time when we moved to France. If we'd had an internet connection then, I know he would have used Mumsnet for advice.

The thought of someone telling him he couldn't use it, or accusing him of having ulterior motives, would have made my blood boil!

I wonder what the male Mumsnetters' partners think of all of this?

Threadworm · 30/03/2009 13:29

I don't think of men that post here as having dodgy motives. I think they post here for the same range of reasons as women do. I don't mistrust them at all.

But I do have a preference for an almost exclusively female Mumsnet. And in that respect I feel very much in the minority on this thread.

Is it my age, I wonder? Do all you hip young post-feminists feel there is no longer any value in a 'chatroom of one's own'?

Threadworm · 30/03/2009 13:30

... I mean in a place where women can join together to celebrate their own take on the world

noddyholder · 30/03/2009 13:31

That would be interesting.My dp got a lot of help with birthday parties and things and just general coffee and a chat.The women all know/knew me and there was never any inkling of anything untoward.In fact it has been great to have him so at ease with all my friends and sister and mum etc.It defintiely added to his experience as a parent although he was pretty good already!

Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 13:35

I wouldn't want to be segregated Thready - why would you? We fought to have the same equality, to close male-only clubs etc. What is the point in doing all of that if you're going to exclude them?

Surely, as women, we know how it feels to be excluded - so why do it to others?

I think the men on Mumsnet are much better behaved than the women a lot of the time. And there have been women posters who have actually tried to pull other women posters. Remember FastAsleep anyone?

Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 13:38

noddy - my dh took our dd to a toddler group once when I was very very ill. He had to take time off work to look after dd as family refused to help. Anyways, he felt really uncertain about going but I told him it was better than staying in with her. He would get to know what other kids her age were doing and he'd get to have a cup of tea and a bit of a break.

They were lovely with him, as I knew they would be. However it's not always like that. I remember how I felt going to toddler groups for the very first time, imagine how men must feel? And how awful would it be if they were made to feel unwelcome?

Paleodad · 30/03/2009 13:39

Threadworm,
I don't really understand why you would want mumsnet to be exclusively female. Surely the whole ethos of the site is (and always has been) centred around parenting in general, and not solely focused on feminist/female attitudes to parenting?
TBH, yours are exactly the exclusionary attitudes I have faced in RL, and the reason that mumsnet is so valuable.

daftpunk · 30/03/2009 13:46

Rhubarb;

can i get this straight once and for all.

i don't think i have ever said that the male posters on here are looking for an affair, or any kind of "action"...all i've said is that i find it a bit odd that's all, i am entitled to have my opinion, christ knows people don't hold back insulting me.

my reference to b/f wasn't directed at anyone in particular (and i'm sure i only mentioned it once)..i'd never heard of UQD untill this thread was started...i have nothing personal against any male poster on here.

you said you'd be unhappy if your dh was using "chat rooms"...well, sorry...but what are we doing right now...chatting. people build up relationships on here rhubarb..jesus, you only have to look at all the fuss the moldies caused "but why didn't you invite me...i thought we were friends"..etc etc...is it beyond the realms of impossibility that a relationship could form on here? nope..not at all, you are being naive.

i really have nothing more to say on this subject........other than i'm right.

policywonk · 30/03/2009 13:46

I know what you mean Thready. Mostly-female environments - particularly ones in which our physical appearance is almost entirely irrelevant - are very rare, and enable levels of supportiveness and warmth that don't occur in mixed company. It's unusual to be in an environment in which, for example, women can discuss the most intimate workings of their bodies and confidently expect understanding and good advice, rather than having to adapt their conversation to standard (male) sensibilities.

This isn't to say that all men should be kicked off - not IMO anyway. I think the very name 'mumsnet' is a rather clever way of ensuring that 99 per cent of men give it a wide berth.

Threadworm · 30/03/2009 13:48

I've not said that I want to exclude men -- just that I value a place that is almost exclusively female. Insofar as this is a parenting website of course it is for men and women equally.

But through historical accident and presumably through the choice of its name it has become a meeting place for women, which is very much more that a parenting site. It just happens that in my life I've not had the luxury of such a place, and I value it very much indeed. Perhaps it is because I am in a male-only household, perhaps it is because I grew up at a time when women's voices were marginalised, perhaps it is because I spent years in a male-dominated environment, perhaps it is because in coming together here women have generated an place that is so supportive and funny in specifically female ways.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 30/03/2009 13:48

My DH posts on mumsnet, don't have a problem with either him or other males posting. There are so many different topics on mumsnet and parenting nowadays should be a joint effort, I am surprised there are not more men on here.

Threadworm · 30/03/2009 13:49

Oh x-post policy. Thank goodness at least one person doesn't think I am being unreasonable!

Yes - good too to be able to discuss menstruation, sex from a woman's viewpoint, etc and be extremely rude knowing that you are talking to women.

cornsilk · 30/03/2009 13:49

What is your dh's posting name? (nosy)

policywonk · 30/03/2009 13:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, my dear.

Those of you who don't like the suggestion that men should be kept to a minimum on MN: would you use this site as much if it were 50/50? Do you think it would be as good? Do you think women would be able to express themselves as freely on here as they do now?

Most public spaces are effectively male in nature. Keeping a very few places female in nature is good for our sanity, I reckon.

Threadworm · 30/03/2009 13:57

Exactly so PW!

Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 13:57

daftpunk, your posts have been very offensive and if you will remember, it was me who said that it wasn't on for other people to have a go at you.

You have called men "losers" and said you'd divorce your dh if you caught him using Mumsnet. You've also questioned by men would use Mumsnet.

The menfolk have responded very politely but you have ignored their reasons and continued to make sweeping generalisations and you just seem to be on a mission to be as offensive as you can possibly be.

I don't know where you get off, I really don't.

Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 14:01

Can you imagine, just imagine how this would go down on a Dadsforum? How many Mumsnetters would try to join that forum and stir up trouble? It's happened before, there'll be another parenting forum that mention Mumsnet in a not very flattering way, and before you know it you've got hoardes of Mumsnetters joining that parenting forum with the intention of causing trouble.

We cannot bear to be excluded, hence the Mouldie saga - thanks daftpunk for reminding me. It's not nice to be excluded or made to feel unwelcome anywhere.

The men have shown great dignity and patience on this thread. I am ashamed that the minority of women couldn't have been more considerate.

Threadworm · 30/03/2009 14:05

Rhubarb, by that minority of women do you mean those who have been unkind about individual mane Mners (or suspicious of male MNers' motives)? Or do you mean to include my viewpoint also?

I can't imagine that anyone would 'stir up trouble' at a dads equivalent of mumsnet. In fact the govt has propose exacly such a website. I'll try to find a link.

daftpunk · 30/03/2009 14:06

oh come on rhubarb...if this was RL i'd take you for a drink and have a laugh about all this, but we are just 2 people in cyber space...let's not get all serious

policywonk · 30/03/2009 14:07

I think the men who choose to post on here are a pretty robust bunch who value the site's nature (which is almost exclusively female) - they wouldn't be here otherwise. They'd probably be the first to jump ship if hundreds of thousands of men joined up and started endless threads about bathroom sealants, Top Gear and real ale (to choose the last three things my DP spoke to me about last night).

I don't think anyone should be excluded - but I do like the fact that we have ended up with a mostly female site, whether that's by accident or design. (MNHQ strike me as a clever lot so I suspect it's by design.)

Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 14:09

Look.

If you don't want to be caught out chatting to a male Mumsnetter, then why not join something like this? But MNHQ have made it very clear that not are men very welcome here, but also grandparents and anyone who takes on a parenting role.

If you want to talk about womens issues then you can go onto those other sites, but this is a parenting forum. We are supposed to be grown-up enough to be able to share the parenting experience and welcome others who are also parents.

Rhubarb · 30/03/2009 14:11

not only are men.

noddyholder · 30/03/2009 14:14

It is just a refelction on the balance of paernting in society and as that changes the numbers of men needing support and advice from sites like this will increase.I welcome it nothing better than a man who is comfortable and relaxed with women and kids and not too 'macho' to join in