to be a bit annoyed that people insist on buying wedding presents for us...

[WildSeahorses]

...even though we have said that people should not feel they have to get us anything, but if they would like to do something then please make a donation to a specified charity?

We both live separately and thus have huge amounts of crap household goods. We are probably going to have to give away/eBay lots of stuff in any event, so the last thing we need is yet more stuff.

Anyway, we have a couple of friends who rang us specifically to tell us that they didn't want to make a donation but that they wanted to give us something that we would like, and asked what that might be. We explained that what we really wanted was for people to make donations. They said they didn't want to do that and wanted to give us something. I went on to explain that we have too much stuff and are actually getting rid of things (as 2 houses going in to 1 requires a large degree of chucking out) and they STILL said they wanted to give us something. It is obviously very nice of them to want to give us something, but why oh why do people not regard charity donations as a proper gift? I am now feeling quite upset, because all we wanted to do was to try to raise money for this charity and I am now really worried that lots of people are going to think the same and that they will pitch up on the day with a present, leaving the charity with very little. AIBU to consider returning/eBaying any actual presents that we are given and then giving the money to the charity?

Also, AIBU to think it was a bit cheeky of one guest who asked if she could donate to her favourite charity (which is, incidentally, a charity that I don't particularly approve of for various reasons) instead of our favourite charity? It would never have occurred to me to do that and it just seemed a bit, well, off. I know that people can give whatever they like for wedding presents and they don't have to stick to wedding lists, but it just seemed odd to me that you would substitute your own favourite charty in place of the couple in question's (it felt like the equivalent of her saying 'oooh, I know you asked for green plates, but I don't really like green so I bought you blue instead').

So, AIBU?

I dont think you are BU, but I can see why people (especially older generation type) might wan to buy you something. Ask for vouchers if anyone else asks, for next or debenhams or wherever, use them to buy clothes or xmas presents, and give the money you would have spent to your charity.

Asking if she can dontate to her favourite charity instead of yours is ridiculous of your "friend" and is exactly like saying, I know you asked for xx, but I didnt like it so bought you yy instead. Bizarre/.

I think people like the idea of you having "things" which in future will make you think about the wedding day, and possibly the giver, and that's why it feels important not to just give to charity, even if that's what the couple would prefer. I'd probably do what the couple wanted myself, but it's not the same as them having something given to them by me. Even with money/vouchers you can "imagine" that they've bought something nice and/or practical for their home together.

The things about presents isn't always about the "giving" itself, but about the other person "having" IYSWIM?

Makes me think of this

As for reasonable/unreasoanable I am torn.

I think people should go with your wishes.

But I can also easily understand why they want to give you something to keep as a memory of your day and remind you of them...

Also can understand the charity substitution thing, I think.

TBH I think YANBU to be a bit annoyed, but you would be unreasonable to press the point too much. You can always sell what they give you and donate the money if you feel very strongly.

DH and I had this - we had an Oxfam wedding list (buy a goat or water treatment etc), had lived together for years and didn't need stuff. But people seemed to have a real problem with it - we still ended up with unwanted towels and photo frames etc. Baffling.

The giving to a different charity thing is just insane.

i agree with geordieminx

While I completely understand you not wanting more "things" having just got married, I have come to realise that it genuinely important for some people to feel they are giving you a gift that will remind you of them, and set up up on your wedding day. I also discovered that they mostly don't like giving vouchers or, to my surprise, clubbing in with other guests to buy a larger gift (eg a piece of art or something similar).

I think therefore it is up to you to be a) gracious and b) practical about this. So, if you realise people absolutely are going to give you something, make it easier and help them to choose. And if you don't need plates and glasses, and the practical things, then choose something else - eg quality glasswear/silverwear/crockery you wouldn't normally buy or artwork of some sort, or CDs, or black out curtains. I don't know what - the point I'm making is that surely you don't really believe you'll never need anything for your house again? So even if you don't need it now, ask for things you might need in the future.

Well, I can understand that maybe your friend feels the same way about your chosen charity as you do about hers? After all, we all have our pet likes and dislikes. TBH, if someone asked me to give to a charity that I would not otherwise support, I would find that difficult and would ask if I could give to another one. It is not like changing the colour of plates etc, as in that case, your guests would usually have had the opportunity to look at your wedding list and choose what they want to give from that, you telling them their is only one charity 'on offer' doesn't give them the opportunity to select at all! Personally, I do understand that people want to give you a gift. However, if you are absolutley decided that you don't want anything, I think geordie's idea was a decent compromise.

But sayithowitis we had given a choice - we had made it quite clear that people should not feel in any way obliged to give anything. We are, after all, not getting married for the presents! On the basis of your argument, though, why should I feel obliged to accept a payment to something I disagree with as a gift to me?

OhBling you are quite right and I really don't want to appear in any way ungracious about this. TBH though, we already have silverware and lead crystal. When I said we didn't need anything else, I genuinely meant it! It's not a case of us already having everyday things but not having any 'special' things to use on occasions. I would really be at a loss for what to suggest people buy us (and, although quite a lot of you suggested vouchers, I'm really not confortable asking for that - it feels too much like asking them to just give us cash).

Mutt - I'm not being angry at them, there haven't been any arguments or anything like that. I guess I'm just a bit disappointed that people don't seem to see that I would value a charitable donation more than a dustcatcher ornament

I do understand what you are saying, but equally, why should someone feel obliged to pay money to an organisation that they disagree with? And if you really think people are going to just not give anything, whether charity donations or items, I really think you are being naiive! I would never go to a wedding without having spent something on a gift (or donation ). Could you not find another charity that both you and your friend are happy to give to?
Actually, you know what, maybe your friend should just have given to her charity and not said anything to you. That way, neither of you would have had to give/accept money for a cause you don't believe in. At least she had the decency to ask you.

Sayithowitis she has actually said that she has no objection to the charity we chose, she just feels that the issues it tackles are less important than the issues her charity deals with (yes, she did say exactly that!). So it's not a question of her disagreeing with the charity, as simply having different priorities. I would perhaps understand her position more if she had an actual objection to the charity, but it's not a case of that at all.

Sorry to disagree with the mood on here, but I think YABU.

I give by direct debit to a charity that I support but I would never ask anyone else to give to it for me, and I find it quite odd that people ask others to give, but in their name. Both wedding lists and things like sponsored walks/runs/treks etc. If you want to support a charity then good for you, crack on. Why not cut down on the scale of the wedding/reception/dress and donate the money YOU would have spent, if you want to support the charity? But why demand that others do the same? (And you say asking for vouchers is too much like asking for cash, but you ARE asking for cash aren't you?)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a present (whether an object, voucher, or donation) is something the giver decides on, not the recipient. I don't think it's fair of you to insist on only one option (albeit a charity donation).

Congratulations on your wedding though, and I hope you have a lovely day

Stewie that is truly bizarre. Why couldn't your FIL just give you a nice bottle of wine/whisky/box of chocolates?

I know that I can't really argue the charity thing, as she will do what she wants to do at the end of the day. TBH, I think what mostly got my back up was when she said "oh, I think children [which her charity supports] are far more important than animals [which our charity supports]". I know some people hold that view, but to say that to someone who spends a lot of time working for animal charities and who has a keen interest in animal welfare is, I feel, a bit unnecessary. Especially when I have just (literally in the past few weeks) lost a pet.

yanbu - they should respect your wishes

friend's substituing a charity is frankly bizarre.

but i think if you didn't want presents you should just have said categorically no presents. not given the charity option. it's a wedding, not a fundraiser.

Lots of givers are wierd, that's all I can conclude. When I had my commitment ceremony with MrNC friends told us to create a wedding list with stuff we'd like on it, because the alternative wasn't us getting nothing (fine by us!) or getting money or anything, it would be us getting stuff we didn't want to clutter up our house.

So ended up upgrading our crockery and saucepans. The old ones went to Oxfam so sort of useful I suppose.

Mutt in which case, they are free to not donate to animal charities

If you have everything you want for your house why not a list of plants/ equipment for your new garden????

I think people like the idea of getting something that will remind you of your special day and that they shared that with you...

and the different charity well that's just plain odd.

Yes, mutt I do see your point about wanting to give something and feeling bad about not giving anything. I think partly what annoyed me was that she dismissed what mattered to me and said that what mattered to her was so much more important. Everyone is entitled to their own priorities.

As they say, it's the thought that counts where gifts are concerned. I just feel that, in this case, she is thinking about what she would prefer.

Stewie but, dontcha know, it's perfectly possible to share a kitchen with a tiger. Have you never read The Tiger Who Came To Tea?

Good and clever friend in similar situation suggested people buy her & DH a book or DVD they thought they would like. Worked well.