to be a bit annoyed that people insist on buying wedding presents for us...

[WildSeahorses]

...even though we have said that people should not feel they have to get us anything, but if they would like to do something then please make a donation to a specified charity?

We both live separately and thus have huge amounts of crap household goods. We are probably going to have to give away/eBay lots of stuff in any event, so the last thing we need is yet more stuff.

Anyway, we have a couple of friends who rang us specifically to tell us that they didn't want to make a donation but that they wanted to give us something that we would like, and asked what that might be. We explained that what we really wanted was for people to make donations. They said they didn't want to do that and wanted to give us something. I went on to explain that we have too much stuff and are actually getting rid of things (as 2 houses going in to 1 requires a large degree of chucking out) and they STILL said they wanted to give us something. It is obviously very nice of them to want to give us something, but why oh why do people not regard charity donations as a proper gift? I am now feeling quite upset, because all we wanted to do was to try to raise money for this charity and I am now really worried that lots of people are going to think the same and that they will pitch up on the day with a present, leaving the charity with very little. AIBU to consider returning/eBaying any actual presents that we are given and then giving the money to the charity?

Also, AIBU to think it was a bit cheeky of one guest who asked if she could donate to her favourite charity (which is, incidentally, a charity that I don't particularly approve of for various reasons) instead of our favourite charity? It would never have occurred to me to do that and it just seemed a bit, well, off. I know that people can give whatever they like for wedding presents and they don't have to stick to wedding lists, but it just seemed odd to me that you would substitute your own favourite charty in place of the couple in question's (it felt like the equivalent of her saying 'oooh, I know you asked for green plates, but I don't really like green so I bought you blue instead').

So, AIBU?

Stewie, it seems to be the norm now for every wedding/Christening/40th birthday we've been to in recent years.

Your predicament is due to contravening several social codes. Yes, lots of people can cope with what you are suggesting, but there are several reasons why it is difficult.

People want to give you a gift - something that you will remember. A wedding gift is not supposed to be transient.

People want to decide for themselves what the gift is. It's taken years for wedding lists to be acceptable and even then, people still have a choice about what item to choose.

Presents are supposed to be from the giver to the recipient. Giver chooses a token of their love/appreciation/gratitude/whatever, recipient says 'how lovely' and sends a thank you letter if they can't say it in person. Job done.

People want to decide on their own charity donations. Some won't support your cause (although personally I think many the 'people are more important than animals lot are just making an excuse to avoid giving - people who care about animals are the SAME people who care about human beings, while people who are cruel to animals are also cruel to human beings).

apols for garbled post, trying to multi-task with phone calls from MIL and tracking down dh who she wants to talk to...

Edam, if your last sentence was directed at me then my point had nothing to do with avoiding giving. Merely that for most people, the money they have to donate is finite and some cannot understand why others would give money to an animal charity over, say, a cancer one.

Not everyone feels this way, but many do. However, as I said, it is your wedding and I'd donate to your chosen charity because that's what would make you happy and that's surely the point of giving.

Friend of mine did two lists - one Oxfam and one John Lewis - with a strongly expressed preference for Oxfam. I got an Oxfam 'present' but discovered at the wedding that I was very much in the minority. Most people wanted to get what they considered a 'proper' present despite it being a wedding that was combining the contents of two houses.

Oh I hate it when people bitch about giving to animal charities

put it does irk cat protetion et al have so much dosh.rather give to humans than animals. any time

I hate it too Florence. Because some think money should only be given to human charities doesn't mean that everyone has to follow that rule. I donate to both.

frankly yes in hierarchy of needs i prioritise human charities over animal charity

any ole day

That's fine. Your decision, but don't expect everyone to want to do the same.

i have no expectation whatsoever.just individual preference

Nobody has expected anyone to do anything. Just expressed opinions.Spend your money how you like!

myredcardigan - not aimed at anyone in particular. The 'why give to animals when there are human beings who suffer' line comes up fairly frequently. Faulty logic, IMO.