to be a bit annoyed that people insist on buying wedding presents for us...

[WildSeahorses]

...even though we have said that people should not feel they have to get us anything, but if they would like to do something then please make a donation to a specified charity?

We both live separately and thus have huge amounts of crap household goods. We are probably going to have to give away/eBay lots of stuff in any event, so the last thing we need is yet more stuff.

Anyway, we have a couple of friends who rang us specifically to tell us that they didn't want to make a donation but that they wanted to give us something that we would like, and asked what that might be. We explained that what we really wanted was for people to make donations. They said they didn't want to do that and wanted to give us something. I went on to explain that we have too much stuff and are actually getting rid of things (as 2 houses going in to 1 requires a large degree of chucking out) and they STILL said they wanted to give us something. It is obviously very nice of them to want to give us something, but why oh why do people not regard charity donations as a proper gift? I am now feeling quite upset, because all we wanted to do was to try to raise money for this charity and I am now really worried that lots of people are going to think the same and that they will pitch up on the day with a present, leaving the charity with very little. AIBU to consider returning/eBaying any actual presents that we are given and then giving the money to the charity?

Also, AIBU to think it was a bit cheeky of one guest who asked if she could donate to her favourite charity (which is, incidentally, a charity that I don't particularly approve of for various reasons) instead of our favourite charity? It would never have occurred to me to do that and it just seemed a bit, well, off. I know that people can give whatever they like for wedding presents and they don't have to stick to wedding lists, but it just seemed odd to me that you would substitute your own favourite charty in place of the couple in question's (it felt like the equivalent of her saying 'oooh, I know you asked for green plates, but I don't really like green so I bought you blue instead').

So, AIBU?

MelanieLiv now that is a good idea. Better than getting sixteen identical toasters...

I thnink plants are a nice idea, or wine - nice wine that can be put away for a time. They could attach a label then, and you could think of them at that point in the next week future when you drink it. Is it possibile to ever have too much wine?

Portifine you can never have too much wine!

Sorry, that should be Portofino

Have you had too much wine?

Not as yet (still at work sadly) - but can can remedy that later!

Or, I could even can can [crap typer emoticon]

Wildseahorses, I am back now to offer suggestions of what people can buy - if you have ALL the household things you need and want [even more ] then you should ask for non household special things.

Such as: Some people told us they'd like to give us money to do something nice for ourselves (we didn't ask for this as we knew lots of people hate that) but we used that money for:

• massages after honeymoon
• gorgeous colourful sarongs that reminded us of our honeymoon and that we can throw on at the beach
• a couple of very nice dinner while on honeymoon

Other ideas could include a concert, a night out etc [and yes, you could buy these for yourselves, but that's not the point].

I like the book, cd, DVD and the garden suggestions others have made. Amazon does a wedding wish list...

Art? Sculptures/paintings etc? Potentially people would have to give you money towards it but if you found a piece that you liked so that they knew what you were buying, that could work.

Do either of you have particular hobbies? Photography, music, etc? Just because it's a wedding gift, why does it have to be something specificaly for your house and for both of you together [and let's face it - DH couldn't care less about the various casserole dishes we've been given that I'm mooning over]

Random things you'd quite like but have never got around to buying for yourselves? Matching luggage. A SatNav. etc.

At the end of the day, if you really have evreything you could ever want, you're lucky but frankly, unusual.

YANBU to be a bit annoyed at this at all.

It's astounding how selfish people get when it comes to "giving". Far too often it is about people giving what they want to give rather than thinking about the recipient. I don't just mean when it comes to weddings, Stewie's tickets are a fine example. It seems to me the givers seem to care too much about the hit they get from giving.

I just don't get why people don't give others what they ask for. When it comes to weddings people have far more stuff now than they used to before marriage. My PILs and parents are in their seventies and eighties and are quite capable of understanding this. If people want gift vouchers or money I will happily give it. Far better than more unwanted consumer goods to pollute the planet. But several times I've had supposed friends of the bride and groom bitch about how they "couldn't possibly just give ...".

I think you may have to give way on the charity front so not to appear ungracious but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Oh I totally agree with you.
We did similar for our wedding 5 years ago.
We said exactly the same on the invitations - we really dont expect presents but if you really would like to give something then please donate a small token token to cancer research, a charity that has great meaning to both of us.
So many people gave us a present, I cant even remember what they were now, just the usual wedding presents, only one I can remember is the candlesticks that are in a box in our basement never having been used.
My in laws gave us £100 afterwards and said 'We know you said you wanted to give money to charity but we'd thought we'd give it you just in case' Just in case what? I saw the cold hard cash and decided to stuff it down my bra and then go off on a spend up??
What's the point? Baffled me then and baffles me now!

Ohbling thanks for the suggestions. It has to be said, I don't really go in for having "stuff" (you only end up having to dust it every week ) so I like the idea of books to read, dinners, massages etc - other than clothes and shoes I don't really buy much stuff
[ponders whether it would be wrong to set up a wedding list at Christian Louboutin]

I never give to animal charities either even though DH and I DD to 3charities monthly. But it's your wedding and I would donate as that is what you have asked for.

However, and I know this is going to sound terrible, it would change my opinion of you. Prioritising animal charities when there is so much human suffering out there is beyond me. I know that's completely irrational of me and irrelevant to the thread but maybe it's where she's coming from.

I think the other friend insisting on a gift she knows is going straight on ebay is more weirdy.

Ignore my last post. I'm having a bad day and I have had too much wine.

Friends seemed to really want to throw me a babyshower with one of my children. I didn't need or want the gifts, but didn't want to be churlish, so asked for people to bring baby clothes/equipment for either the local childrens hospice or an overseas childrens home, both charities we love. I chose two because I know that some people feel giving should be directed towards this country, and others feel the exact opposite. People seemed to go 50/50 for each. I suggest you add in another charity, either in general, or for those who want to buy you something else/give to another charity. A lot of people aren't keen on giving to animal charities, and may give a smaller donation than they would have otherwise, or insist on giving you something else, to avoid it. I'm not intending to be at all rude to you about your choice of charity, just explain why these people might be acting in a way thats hurtful to you. My DH, for example, feels really strongly against giving to animal charities, and I can imagine him asking for an alternate choice of charity or gift.

oh you are being controlling and imposing your wishes on guests no wonder they protest by declining donation or selecting their own

imo,the implicit message your guest is giving is if you try compel me to give to charity i will give to a charity i favour.

so yes she is being contrary because you are controlling

good manners is to accept a gift graciously, some people will be uncomfortable with suggested donation

Am I the only one who's dying to know what the different charities you mention are???

I think you are perfectly reasonable to suggest people "give to charity", but maybe specifying which one is a bit much... You could "suggest" it, maybe, cos some people won't have a clue. But then leave it open to them to decide whether they take up your suggestion.

Weddings are full of strange traditions if you ask me (which is why I've never had one). Gift giving is seen as the "done thing" and if you stray away from the "done thing", some people turn into gibbering wrecks and start malfunctioning.

Somebody might have said this, I didn't read the thread. But asking someone to donate to a charity that you choose is the height of rudeness. What if they don't personally support that charity? Or don't believe in supporting charity at all?

It is also the height of rudeness to dictate to your guests to not give you gifts. That implies that you're expecting gifts.

The only polite thing to do is accept the gifts graciously and send a thank you note in a timely manner.

I rest my case.

Scottishmummy I don't see this as being controlling, any more than having a wedding list is controlling. People don't have to donate if they don't want to - no doubt some people will choose to not give anything, or choose to bring a present instead. Obviously, I will accept any presents brought on the day graciously.

I was simply a bit disappointed that some people seemed to feel that they weren't giving a "proper" gift to us, whean actually this is what we really want. As for the relative who wanted to substitute her favourite charity, I just found that plain weird. Why not just go along with it, if you have no moral objection to the charity?

Puppymonkey I'm a bit concerned that, if I specify the names of the charities, I might be identifiable to anyone who knows me in RL and who also posts on here. Sorry!

To those who think I should not specify a particular charity, a genuine question: if you don't organise the donations in some way, e.g. by a justgiving type of webpage, you have no way of tracking who has given donations, so how do you thank people?

EdwardBear - could it be that the ILs weren't sure how to donate so that it was flagged as a donation in honour of your wedding? And they wanted you to know that they had followed your wishes?

Slightly off topic, but I know that when money has been donated in memory of various family members when they have died, my Mum has been upset if it hasn't been marked as a special donation "in memory". Because the charities will let you know how much has been raised and Mum likes to know a big fat figure as it reminds her how important that person was to so many people.

Tee, then surely you must be against any form of wedding list?

I'm not sure how it is rude to ask for a gift to charity but not for some Wedgewood from John Lewis.

I've just skimmed through the thread and would say to op if people insist on buying you a gift, why not ask for a shrub or tree for your garden? And, if you don't think you'll live in your current house for a long time to come, some perennial that will happily live in a pot and can be moved in future. I know its not ideal and its not what you want, but there's usually room in the garden for another plant when there's no room in the house for another cafetiere or photo frame!