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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not very polite to be envited to a party and not be offered anything to eat or drink?

106 replies

mummyloveslucy · 26/03/2009 16:12

Hi, My daughter and I went to a birthday party of a little girl in her nursery class. They had the party at there house which was like a mansion overlooking the sea with a huge swimming pool, hot tub and bar.
The parents are loaded, not that that should matter. I was very supprised though that none of the parents were offered any thing to drink and there was so little food, it was only enough for the children. When the Dad saw that all the food had gone, he said "Oh, we judged that well".
We have been to so many nursery partys, some at village halls, play centres or peoples houses but we have always been offered a drink and something to eat.
It just seems strange that the richest family in the school were such bad hosts.

OP posts:

sarah293 · 26/03/2009 18:16

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stuffitllama · 26/03/2009 18:16

lol at Mrs Wontgoaway

I had 15 3yos for my daughter with me and dh

nobody died

everyone had fun

don't get the angst about this

pagwatch · 26/03/2009 18:19

riven
i have to stay with ds2 anywhere as well obviously. i wouldn't ask anyone who stayed because their child needed them . I was thinking more of the one nursery mum who stayed and was snooping wandering all around the house

actually it doesn't need to be a party for me to be drinking pimms in the afternoon. or wine. or gin.

sarah293 · 26/03/2009 18:26

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FrannyandZooey · 26/03/2009 18:44

i think there really are wildly different expectations among different groups
i am friends with the parents of my children's friends, and we stay at each others' parties because we like to see one another and it is fun to see the children having a good time
both parents will often turn up, and stay, and have some food and drink - it's a social event for the parents as much as the children - in fact i often think little children's parties are really MORE for the parents? the 3 year olds don't really enjoy them terribly much IME - they are sometimes a bit overwhelmed and glad when it is all over

anyway
if at the OP's group it is the done thing for parents to stay, it's a bit daft to criticise her for staying
my ds wouldn't have let me leave him with anyone he didn't know extremely well, at this age - or in fact, now
they don't all trot merrily in and wave you goodbye

PuppyMonkey · 26/03/2009 19:13

I can't believe so many posters would just bogger off home and leave a three year old at a party... swimming pool or not.

Is that the done thing these days (it's been ten years since dd1 was going to little people parties)? It wasn't til dd1 was at least five that we started dropping her off and coming back later to pick up.

Think I might reconsider my thoughts of having a party for dd2 on her second birthday in a couple of weeks if that's the new tradition!

ForeverOptimistic · 26/03/2009 19:26

YABU. Children's parties are for children, you shouldn't expect them to cater for adults. It would not have hurt them to have made you a drink so I think that they were being unreasonable too but you shouldn't expect food.

justaboutback · 26/03/2009 19:32

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Nontoxic · 26/03/2009 20:49

in the OP, MLL said the party was in a huge mansion, overlooking the sea, with a swimming pool. She described the family as 'loaded,' but then later claims it's not about class, 'we have more than them.'

Make your mind up, either they're loaded or they're not - and you've proved it's not about class when you say you have more than them - that is, you prove you're the one without class.

piscesmoon · 26/03/2009 21:25

They are probably loaded because they look after the pennies!

Hulababy · 26/03/2009 21:33

As it is nursery then I can def understand why you stayed. Everyone I know stayed at that age and for the first 2 or 3 in Reception too. Definitely the norm here.

I would have expected to be able to get a drink or to be offered a drink, esp if at someone's house even if just a glass of water. I wouldn't expect food, although nibbles are always nice

When DD was younger (now Y2) we did lay on refreshments to parents - offered hot drinks juice or wine, and also nibbles such as veg sticks and humous, crisps, mini cakes.. It is DD's 7th birthday party on Saturday and I am not expecting parents to stay (at a local farm) but there will be some close friends and also family there so will ensure I can offer them a hot drink or juice. I won't be providing food for adults though, not even nibbles this time, as not sure of available space and timings. Plus close to a meal time, ending at 5pm, so not good in that sense.

atigercametotea · 26/03/2009 21:51

er....it's a CHILDREN'S party?

why should they feed the adults? It was in the afternoon, presumably after lunch and before dinner, so would have thought you had eaten already. And also presumed that as an adult, you could cope without food for a couple of hours.

They were focusing on the children - good on them.
Would it have bothered you so much if the parents weren't well off and had the party in a park or something?
Were you expecting champagne and canapes?
YABU

ScottishMummy · 26/03/2009 22:02

me thinkey you have ishoos,too long describing parental abode and the wee oh and no grub

are you envious?

maybe they got rich by not feeding the guests

Stretch · 26/03/2009 22:02

God, I have trouble encouraging the adults to have some food!

We always hire a place (for the younger DCs) with a kitchen and a big boiler style hot water thing Then I just get out the cups etc and tell the parents to help themselves. I always make a few extra sandwiches etc..and tell the parents to help themselves, but most are too shy! So I grab a plate and start eating! They soon join in.

I think it's bad manners to not offer people a drink if they are round your house, party or not. Including builders etc, so YANBU.

Nontoxic · 26/03/2009 22:03

Those who happily lay on refreshments and treat a children's party as a social occasion for everyone to enjoy - good for you.

But just because you think that is the 'norm' for you and maybe others in your children's peer group, doesn't mean you should expect others to do the same as you, and certainly doesn't mean it's okay to criticize their style of celebrating their DC's birthdays.

If your child is invited to a party, surely you accept what's on offer with grace and gratitude rather than harp about what you think they should have done.

People should be free to follow their own standards without being judged.

If they choose not to feed and water the parents, why don't you just take it as the hint it clearly is?

Stretch · 26/03/2009 22:06

To not offer drinks at all, even juice, is bad manners IMO. Esp a 3 hour party.

pointydog · 26/03/2009 22:17

I don't think adults should necessrily be offered anything at a child's p[arty. Doesn't matter if they are rich or not.

piscesmoon · 26/03/2009 22:22

It is best not to expect anything and then you are pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed.

pointydog · 26/03/2009 22:22

Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Simplysally · 26/03/2009 22:29

I offer cups of tea or coffee to fellow shouters parents at dd's parties. I gave up on plates of nibbles for the parents ages. Some parties used to offer wine lambrusco but I didn't go that far.

stuffitllama · 26/03/2009 23:24

Why can't you believe people would leave a three year old at the party? i mean, not every three year old will want to, but if they're happy, why not? is that seen as neglect nowadays? to leave a 3yo with some friends for a couple of hours?

15 was rather exhausting and i didn't do it again .. we kept the numbers smaller after that.. but it took all our focus and to have all the mothers shovelling tea and biscuits and watching would have been rather distracting

if they had all stayed i would have put them in the garden and called them in for emergency purposes only

i do the family parties too, absolutely, I'm not anti social: but it's so much harder to focus on the children when all the adults are socialising so I don't really do it for birthdays. And there is so much seeing people when the children are small it's like an extra unnecessary seeing of people.

village hall and tea urn also good ..but still a bit

stuffitllama · 26/03/2009 23:25

still a bit what? I pressed post and now I can't remember what I was going to say

stuffitllama · 27/03/2009 02:02

am so intrigued by the horror here of "dropping off" I thought perhaps I'm wrong perhaps I never did that when she was three -- maybe she was five

so I checked albums (saddo) and yes, and three and four she had ten (not 15 but I had my own two including a toddler anyway) little girls for two hours and all but one were just dropped off

if all the mothers had stayed and expected me to cater for them while entertaining 12 tinies I would have crossed them off my Christmas card list

JodieO · 27/03/2009 02:11

Was it a children's party? I rest my case....

stuffitllama · 27/03/2009 02:34

I totally understand if children need their mums to be there, I've had similar, but would not expect to be catered for and would stay out of the way or try to help.

But am surprised it's expected that for a party up to Y1 and even older you are rude if you don't cater for parents.

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