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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd's dad wants to take her to...

60 replies

solowitch · 23/03/2009 13:19

Draton Manor theme park and would be picking her up on the Friday evening and not returning until Sunday. He says in his email, that he realises it's a long time, but thinks she'll enjoy it. I'm not so sure that a 2yo will enjoy a theme park.

We split in November when I caught him with another woman whom he'd been seeing for 4 years. He lives on his own(never lived with us)and Dd hasn't seen much of him throughout her life(she's almost 2.3)as he has often changed his plans and shelved us in favour of something(or someone?)else. I don't particularly want him to be in Dd's life, but that's probably because a)I'm hurt and b)because he's not been bothered that much since she was born and in fact, he wanted me to terminate and when I wouldn't, he said 'kill my half then'. He now say's that that was then, but I'm still pretty urked about it all as he put me through a very unsupported hell and I am in fact still there.
Dd has only spent one night away from me last August with my mum and dad who she see's at least 3 times a week and she wouldn't settle at all. She sleeps in my room and is still on the breast as she doesn't want to give it up and I'm quite happy to continue that.
I take her to visit him maybe once a month atm.
I'm sure a lot of you will say I'm being unreasonable, but although Dd does love him, she doesn't really know him that well. He's not dealt with her more than twice in the night when he has been there and that was only because I asked him to and even then, I had to get up to do it as he wasn't having any success.
He is going to phone me mid week and I want to say no to him. I know he'll argue that she shouldn't be on the breast still as he thought she should've been 'on the bottle at six months' as he's said it before when she was a year old.
AIBU or not? and if not, what can I say to not let him take her?

He had asked if I thought it would be a good idea to take her to Disneyland Floria in May and I said no, she's too young.

OP posts:

WorzselMummage · 23/03/2009 13:23

I dont think yabu about florida atall but i think a little but for the drayton manor bit.

alicet · 23/03/2009 13:24

I think given the circumstances that 2 nights away from you will be too much for her.

How about saying that you would like for them to be able to do that together but that he needs to get to know her better first to make sure that it isn't too upsetting for her.

maybe suggest that he comes and takes her out for the day, once that is going OK to have her overnight a couple of times, and then when that is going OK to do this as he is suggesting.

To just announce it is going to happen this weekend without discussing the practicalities of it just smacks of someone who doesn't ahve a clue what looking after a small child who isn't used to being ap[art from their mum involves!

Grammaticus · 23/03/2009 13:26

You take her to visit him - she doesn't spend time on her own with him? If she's not used to being with him, without you, Drayton manor is a non-starter. Small steps to build up to it are what she needs.

fryalot · 23/03/2009 13:26

I don't think YABU at all, actually.

There are a couple of issues here that I can see - firstly if you and dd are happy with her still BFing then that is entirely up to you and you should not be put off carrying on as long as you want.

Secondly, the trip away: she is too young to fully appreciate a theme park, she won't be able to go on most of the rides and not only will she get bored, but your exp will get bored with wandering around aimlessly.

It's too long for her to be away from you if she isn't used to leaving you and you know that she hasn't settled when you have left her.

She doesn't know him well enough for him to take her away for this amount of time.

Now the only thing to worry about it is how to tell him...

You could suggest that he takes her to a soft play centre for a couple of hours first and see how they get on - tell him you are not ruling out the trip to the theme park at some future point, just not yet

Good luck

tiggerlovestobounce · 23/03/2009 13:27

I think if she has only been away from you for 1 night before then it isnt fair to make her go off for 2/3 days.

Could he build up to it by having on her on his own a bit more? Maybe if he could take her one day a week for a few weeks, and the bulid up to 1 overnight, and then if she is comfortable with a few 1 night stays the he could try for 2?
So you wouldnt be saying no, but just putting some conditions on how it happened (and if he could manage that you would probably feel a lot better about him taking her for a bit anyway)?

alicet · 23/03/2009 13:28

Are you close enough for him to be able to take her to drayton manor for just the day? Is there any reason why it needs to be overnight?

just to clarify from my last post - I think you need to put your feelings for what he put you through aside and actively work with him to build a bond between them. It will be very hard for you and if he keeps letting her down it won't be easy but at least when she grows up she will see that you have done your best to help her to have a relationship with her dad and that if she doesn't it isn't for lack of effort on your part.

However taking a child who sleeps with her mum and bf's away for 2 nights when the one night she has been away for before was a disaster isn't necessarily going to help anyone! might have been a one off before and she is older now but going slowly will help you all in the end

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 23/03/2009 13:39

I don't think you are being U at all. If she is not used to being looked after overnight by him, and has only slept away from you once (and that didn't work well), then expecting her to sleep in a strange place AND without you (and without BF) is way too much in one go.

What I've done so far with DS (who is younger) is that if he has to sleep in a strange place, I make sure he is with familiar people (ideally me) and everything else is kept "normal"; or if he has to be looked after by less familiar people overnight it should only be in a familiar place, ideally at home - so that only one thing changes at a time. So far this has worked well for us.

I would say try babysteps - if he wants to have her overnight then first he should do bedtime and night wakings at yours a few times until she is used to settling for him, then build up to one night at his place eventually and so on. Also agree the rides will probably be lost on her - she would probably like the zoo, but that doesn't need to involve staying overnight let alone 2 nights surely?

AnyFucker · 23/03/2009 13:41

solo, I remember your old threads

I don't think your dd, at only 2 yo and not having spent large chunks of time with her dad, should go to Drayton Manor for the weekend with him

I also agree with you veto-ing the Florida trip

I agree with alicet, day trips only

the bf thing is just incidental, you don't need that as an excuse

he is trying to force a more indepth relationship with her, but it will end in tears if you don't take it more slowly

it seems you will have to be the sensible one here (again... grr)

EllieG · 23/03/2009 13:46

YANBU - sounds as if she is not ready to be away from you for 2 nights, and he does not know her well enough to be able to deal with any complications this might cause. Like someone said - day trips first to build the relationship. If that is maintained and she is happy, overnights at his house, where her usual routine can be maintained. Then you can think about holidays, when she is really comfy with her Dad and he knows her better.

Thrifty · 23/03/2009 13:47

agree with everyone else re the not staying away, and one step at a time.

however, Drayton Manor is quite good for littlies with thomas land (aimed at the under 5's) and the zoo, so she'd probably enjoy that aspect of it.

smee · 23/03/2009 13:51

YANBU. Get round it by telling him it's not about him, but about her. Tell him she's only been away once with grandparents and that didn't work - that this is why you don't want him to do it. That should get you out of arguments. If it doesn't, then he's not putting her first, which is what he should be doing as her dad.

imo Drayton Manor is a typical not-around-much dad's idea of fun. She won't get much out of it at two and if he spent more time with her he'd probably realise that.

Original poster

solowitch · 23/03/2009 14:00

Thank you for your replies. I should've said that it isn't until June and it's with his work. I get the feeling that some of it is 'look at what I've done' because of course, all the women will be all over him with her.

I also think it'll be typical behaviour for him to be splashing the cash on her, spoiling her with whatever and of course mummy is going to be very boring compared to that because I just don't have the money to do anything more exciting than the local park. I'm really strict on what she eats and although he is a great cook and eats healthily, in my limited experience, it'll be burgers and chips and ice cream for 2 days, which is not what I want for her...

I have given up a hell of a lot for Dd and he made it very clear when I was pg and after she was born when he said 'will I change my lifestyle for her? No I won't'.

OP posts:

Original poster

solowitch · 23/03/2009 14:14

He also can't decipher what she says yet. I always have to translate

We are not near to Staffordshire alicet*, so a day trip there is not possible.

OP posts:

Original poster

solowitch · 23/03/2009 14:29

I just had a look on the Drayton Manor site and as Dd doesn't like Thomas the Tank, the only thing there is for her is the zoo.

OP posts:

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 23/03/2009 14:43

He is obviously doing this for himself not your DD. I think a weekend away is too muhc since he doesn't see her very often atm. YANBU at all to both Drayton Manor and FLorida

VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 23/03/2009 14:44

I think if the trip is not until June then YABU to say 'no' to him just yet, but YANBU to tell him its a 'maybe' on condition he builds up contact from now until then. Aim for him to spend more time alone with her and then build up to an overnight visit, if that goes ok then make it a weekend visit at his house, if all is still well then there is no reason he could not take her to the theme park

I understand your concerns but at the end of the day, he is her parent too, and has as much right as you do to be able to build up a relationship and enjoy days out with her, you must forget about what he has done to you in the past and concentrate on what is best for your dd, having 2 loving parents who spend time with her.And so what if he flashes his cash about, a 2 yr knows no value of money and would be just as happy going to the park as they would to a theme park, he will eventually realise this.

On the other hand, Florida would be a definate no

VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 23/03/2009 14:48

And maybe, once he realises how much work is involved in looking after a toddler alone, he will think twice about actually taking her to the theme park, he needs to realise that dc are not just for 'show' he needs to get down to some real parenting, and he wont be able to do that if you wont allow him to spend time alone with her

Original poster

solowitch · 23/03/2009 14:58

True VT, but I'm not convinced entirely. Unfortunately, he has to book it next week.
I'm also not sure how I'd explain anything to my son and my parents as no one knows we're not together, so they would be left wondering why he's taken her without me and Ds. I can't drop that on them as they are all trying to deal with my dads terminal cancer. It's a shame as my Ds would love to go, but he's obviously not being considered.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/03/2009 15:00

I'm not convinced either solo

A lot of work to be done yet, methinks (on his behalf)

Out of interest, is your dads illness the only reason you haven't told the rest of the family you have split?

Original poster

solowitch · 23/03/2009 15:07

Well I found out about dad and HIM with OW within an hour of each other and I felt it was too much for them to worry about. I am really close to my parents and son and they would all be upset, angry, worried about me etc, and I think they have enough on their plate. I think that is the main reason, though I also feel embarrassed that yet another relationship has failed.

OP posts:

Original poster

solowitch · 23/03/2009 15:09

Sorry, got Dd bfing and trying to type...
I know that dad in particular will be very upset about it all as everyone knows how much I love exp.

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VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 23/03/2009 15:12

Oh i see, i didnt realise he was leaving your ds out, or even that you had a ds with him aswell, yes does sound like there is a lot of work to be done, and if he has to book it next week, then YANBU to say no way, i still think he needs to start doing some real parenting, you should start potty training(if you havent already) that would be fun for him

sorry to hear about your dad

wishingchair · 23/03/2009 15:13

Good grief - Florida definitely no no no. It's a fantastic place but so huge. I would say children have to be 5 minimum to enjoy Florida.

I don't think YABU at 2 days away either ... it's a long time. I think you should say no but consider him having DD for a full day, then an overnight etc as VT suggests. You can't go from monthly visits to a full blown weekend in one fell swoop. As for the suitability of a theme park ... we took DDs to Legoland when it was DD2's 2nd birthday thinking she'd be able to go on lots of stuff ... not true. She was too small for the VAST majority of rides, wanted to run around but couldn't as it was too busy, had a strop, then a big nap in her buggy. Big waste of time for her. DD1 (5yo) loved it though. A farm park or zoo would be much more fun for a 2 yo.

Original poster

solowitch · 23/03/2009 15:14

No, Ds is not his son.

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thumbwitch · 23/03/2009 15:14

Solo, I think YANBU really. We have taken DS to Chessington but even with looking at the animals, it was more for us than him, tbh.

At 2, there isn't going to be much your DD can really go on and I'm sure your ex isn't going to want to miss out on all the rides, so who is going to look after your DD while he is on them? Does she know the OW? would it upset her to be left along?

PLus, although your ex has no reason TO take your DS, it is a bit rough on him for his lil sis to go and not him, when he is more likely to appreciate it than she is.

And then there's the 2 nights away from mummy to think about - what if she gets really upset? Especially with no bf'ing option.

If it were me, I really wouldn't do it. I wouldn't let DH go off with DS for even one night (ok he's a bit younger than your DD but he's still bf'ing and DH has never done the night duty at all) - in fact, I don't think I would go off for one night yet either! But then maybe I'm being too PFB about it (maybe not ).

Still, I'd say no.

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