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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's dad wants to take her to...

60 replies

solowitch · 23/03/2009 13:19

Draton Manor theme park and would be picking her up on the Friday evening and not returning until Sunday. He says in his email, that he realises it's a long time, but thinks she'll enjoy it. I'm not so sure that a 2yo will enjoy a theme park.

We split in November when I caught him with another woman whom he'd been seeing for 4 years. He lives on his own(never lived with us)and Dd hasn't seen much of him throughout her life(she's almost 2.3)as he has often changed his plans and shelved us in favour of something(or someone?)else. I don't particularly want him to be in Dd's life, but that's probably because a)I'm hurt and b)because he's not been bothered that much since she was born and in fact, he wanted me to terminate and when I wouldn't, he said 'kill my half then'. He now say's that that was then, but I'm still pretty urked about it all as he put me through a very unsupported hell and I am in fact still there.
Dd has only spent one night away from me last August with my mum and dad who she see's at least 3 times a week and she wouldn't settle at all. She sleeps in my room and is still on the breast as she doesn't want to give it up and I'm quite happy to continue that.
I take her to visit him maybe once a month atm.
I'm sure a lot of you will say I'm being unreasonable, but although Dd does love him, she doesn't really know him that well. He's not dealt with her more than twice in the night when he has been there and that was only because I asked him to and even then, I had to get up to do it as he wasn't having any success.
He is going to phone me mid week and I want to say no to him. I know he'll argue that she shouldn't be on the breast still as he thought she should've been 'on the bottle at six months' as he's said it before when she was a year old.
AIBU or not? and if not, what can I say to not let him take her?

He had asked if I thought it would be a good idea to take her to Disneyland Floria in May and I said no, she's too young.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 23/03/2009 15:16

"would it upset her to be left along?"

would it upset her to be left alone with the OW?

AnyFucker · 23/03/2009 15:18

solo, does your son not live with you ?

how else are you explaining dp's abscence since last November? Although I do remember you didn't actually live in the same house as the cheating swine

pramspotter · 23/03/2009 15:19

I don't think that this is about him wanting to be a good father. He wants to use your DD to pull. It's unsafe.

Original poster
solowitch · 23/03/2009 15:19

Perhaps I should start potty training in earnest a week before hand? that'd be great fun for him!
Actually the DM day is on the Sunday, the coach leaving at 9am and returning at 18.00. Not sure why he thinks he'd need to collect her on the Friday evening then. He works and is based about 125 miles away from me, but even so...

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 23/03/2009 15:23

He's aiming to take her as part of an organised coach trip, is he? Would you be 100% cnfident that he would actually be the one looking after her, rather than letting some of the other people babysit for her while he has a good time? OR am I wronging him here a little?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

Still no.

Original poster
solowitch · 23/03/2009 15:27

I had Dd with me when I caught him with OW. If she is going, then I'm definitely not happy about that and no, Dd doesn't know her and nor do I want her to ~ as if you hadn't guessed.

Ds does live with me, yes, but often spends weekends with my parents, plus exp hasn't always turned up throughout our 4 year 'relationship'. HE works away all week, so it was always(if he turned up)a weekend relationship. I have also taken Ds with me to HIS house, but HE knows that I've not told Ds anything. Hope I'm making sense...

OP posts:
Original poster
solowitch · 23/03/2009 15:29

Thumb, you are probably right. He loves theme park rides(I don't)so it could very well be a case of 'oh you go on the rides cheating swine, I'll look after your Dd for you'. Grrrrrrrr!

OP posts:
VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 23/03/2009 15:31

After what you have said since my first post, i would agree, it should be a definate no

KHS · 23/03/2009 15:39

YANBU. He left you in charge - literally - which means, er, that you're in charge! Follow your gut feeling - you know your daughter better than anyone.

Original poster
solowitch · 23/03/2009 15:42

Thank you everyone. I'm glad it's not just me then. Just got to tell him now and I've a feeling that he'll start to think/talk about seeing a solicitor...I'd like to see them try to tell me to stop bfing in a family court...might just make the news that case...or would they try to gag me? I'm sure he would.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/03/2009 16:04

good luck solo

didn't mean to bug you with the 20 questions, just wasn't quite getting it

when will you tell your family you are no longer together though? I imagine they would be more upset if they heard it from somewhere else?

Original poster
solowitch · 23/03/2009 16:22

AF, no problem. Life is just really complicated and from the outside, I guess it does look easier to just let him have as much access as he wants and to tell the family what has gone on.

In answer to your question...I don't know. Maybe when dad has passed and when all the stress from that has gone(ten years?!). I obviously have no idea when that could be, but he is weak and frail and has many ups and downs.
I don't think that anyone will tell them anything, but I will make sure that they don't by telling them not to.
Thank you for sending good luck, I really need it

OP posts:
bunnyrabbit · 24/03/2009 08:46

No YANBU. Ditto most of what is said here. Does he have any idea what she drinks/eat when/how she sleeps? What her favourite cuddly is? no no no. He has to try harder than this slowly slowly... put some effort in. Earn her. Doesn't sound like he deserves a finger nail at the moment.

BR

racmac · 24/03/2009 09:51

I think you are being slightly U but i completely understand your reasons.

I would email him back and say you need to build up contact considerably before i can even consider her going away for 2 nights.

Despite what he has done in the past and the comments he made when you found you were pregnant - he and your dd still should have a relationship with each other - no matter how hard this can be for you.

If you go to Court the Court will encourage contact and build it up slowly and probably encourage overnight contact.

I understand the bfing thing but at the end of the day she is going to stop bfing at some point and i dont think you should use this as an excuse.

Build up contact slowly - let him have an hour unsupervised, increase the times and then move to a day and then if dd is happy to overnight contact - i think if you both worked hard at it there is no reason why it cant work for everyones benefit.

But i dont think YABU in refusing Florida - too far and too long for a little one.

kitbit · 24/03/2009 09:59

I think if you say an outright "no" you-ll have a huge argument. You need to say "no, but...." and offer an alternative in order to get the outcome you want otherwise you'll draw battle lines and moving forward will be impossible.

Realistically for all the reasons everyone has said, going with him for a weekend is madness. He doesn't know howto care for a toddler and she doesn't know him. She'll miss you, get upset and be whiny and he won't be able to console her and will get impatient. Not a good combination.
Besides, she'll like Drayton Manor for about 20 minutes then will get overwhelmed.

It's going to be hard to tell him that you know her better than he does and you know she's not ready, without him getting defensive so imho you need to approach it from the point of "I think she'll find it all too much but she'd love to spend some time with her dad, what about a day trip to the park?" etc etc and "she's quite a handful, I think 2 nights alone might be quite hard if you're not used to it".

Agree - need to build up slowly. She has to know and trust him before you can leave them overnight otherwise it's disaster for all.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/03/2009 13:30

Eeekkk... 2yo on a coach to a theme park! I wouldn't get on a coach with my DH and he's 30

Say no to Drayton Manor because he has to book now but maybe you could suggest a day trip to somewhere local and you could all go (with XP looking after DD while you spend some quality alone time with DS). Could go off for a bit, then meet up, go off again etc so you're around but not there all the time. Then build up to a longer visit with DD.

Definitely right to encourage a relationship between them. My parents are divorced and despite how difficult it was for my mum she always allowed my dad to see us. Makes a massive difference.

PlumBumMum · 24/03/2009 13:37

All the other issues aside, YANBU

he dosen't see her that much, I have a dd2.4 and I would not let her go anywhere with someone she dosen't really know to a strange place overnight

Tell him you think she is too young for an overnight stay but he could take her somewhere for the day

Dillydaydreamer · 24/03/2009 13:48

I think it depends on your dd really and her personality. If she still needs night comforting on the breast then I doubt she is confident or mature enough to cope with that length of time away.
Can you not compromise as she will love the theme park, say you take her to him and he takes her to the theme park for the day, then you have her overnight and he spends next day with her alone iyswim. At 2.3 she doesn't need breast milk per say. Perhaps he feels he was shoved out because of feeding and felt resentful that he hasn't been able to bond properly with her. I know my husband felt like that and I only fed for 6mths (not because of him btw).
How far is it to his?
My dd loved the theme park at 2yrs and would have been happy to go with anyone.

SkintColditz · 24/03/2009 13:52

YANBU

She's not a fucking puppy. He can't pic her up and play with her when he feels like it, then drop her when a newer, shinier thing comes along.

He would be needing to have her overnight at least once a week for me to allow this. I'd let my ex take the Ds's - but he sees them 3/4 times a week. I wouldn't allow this. Maybe if he put some real committed effort into getting to know his daughter, I would think about it for next year (when she will get more after it anyway). If he says that's not good enough, then he's clearly thinking only of what HE wants, and relegating your DD to puppy status

jellybeans · 24/03/2009 13:54

I think day trips only until he builds up contact. He is being abit selfish to take her away from her mummy for 2 nights if she is not used to that/him. However, at some point he will get overnight access and nothing can really stop him having OW there sadly. Hopefully the pain will get much less in time and maybe eventually it will be a welcome break, when DD much older. I feel for you, though, must be awful..and very unfair.

chickenmama · 24/03/2009 14:22

YANBU

My dds father is much like your XP and I totally understand you not wanting her to go.

Do as others say and suggest daytime trips out before anything bigger. I tried to get my XP to commit to regular contact and instead he decided he wouldn't contact her at all. Can't say its a bad thing!

mrswrite · 24/03/2009 16:00

Agree with vinegar, understand it must be so hard for you but he is her dad ad if he wants to be involved... chances are if he had her overnight he may change his mind, know my Dh (we are happily married) had a culture shock when left with ours overnight, the change in routine etc, I imagine he already has excuses for the next time!

He needs to realise its not ok just to swan in waving tickets that he has to share the everyday stuff too, I think potty training is an excellent idea!

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/03/2009 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
solowitch · 25/03/2009 00:37

Thanks for all your input, I appreciate it.

I think if I let him, he'd want to have her on his own and may even want to have her regularly, in fact I'm sure of it.

He works all week 125 miles away from us and over the past 2 years has only bothered coming back when he's wanted to and even then if he'd arranged to come over(sometimes arrived at 9pm Friday or Saturday then leaves by mid day the following day, so sometimes only see's Dd for a couple of hours),he'd often cancel at short notice ie an hour before he was due. Often there'd be a flat tyre or he'd fallen asleepso wouldn't get here...

Now of course, because the shit has hit the fan, he's decided that he wants the rules to change and no, I'm not happy about that. I've done all the hard work. Yes, I'd like him to fall off the planet(or just leave us alone now).

Dilly, no I couldn't take her as I'd have to go to where he works in order to let her go off with him on the Sunday morning, it'd be a 250 mile round trip...I'd have nowhere to stay and nothing to do. I also have next to no money. It wouldn't work.
Dd needs the breast milk in as much as she asks for it and wants it. Exp doesn't like me still bfing her and both Dd and I would suffer for not giving/receiving it. I'll stop when she's ready, not when he wants me to or thinks I should. She will not cope without it and she'll go bananas in a strange place over night without me or her brother there.

I have always tried to involve him in her upbringing, even though it was a sporadic fatherly role he played. He delivered her because I asked him to. I got him changing the odd nappy and bath her(actually, I think that only happened once), I got him to dress her and feed her when on solids. He just picked and chose when he turned up.

I don't know how I'm going to say no to him. I'm sure he's going to blow his top over it. I'm dreading it, I really am.

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 25/03/2009 00:45

at this time in her life yanbu...and his choice of place shows that he hasn't got a clue....
tell him you love him to see her, but could he take her out for a walk round the nearest countrypark, etc. or if he wants to spend money maybe a farm....and certainly nothing over night yet....