Dd's dad wants to take her to...

[solowitch]

Draton Manor theme park and would be picking her up on the Friday evening and not returning until Sunday. He says in his email, that he realises it's a long time, but thinks she'll enjoy it. I'm not so sure that a 2yo will enjoy a theme park.

We split in November when I caught him with another woman whom he'd been seeing for 4 years. He lives on his own(never lived with us)and Dd hasn't seen much of him throughout her life(she's almost 2.3)as he has often changed his plans and shelved us in favour of something(or someone?)else. I don't particularly want him to be in Dd's life, but that's probably because a)I'm hurt and b)because he's not been bothered that much since she was born and in fact, he wanted me to terminate and when I wouldn't, he said 'kill my half then'. He now say's that that was then, but I'm still pretty urked about it all as he put me through a very unsupported hell and I am in fact still there.
Dd has only spent one night away from me last August with my mum and dad who she see's at least 3 times a week and she wouldn't settle at all. She sleeps in my room and is still on the breast as she doesn't want to give it up and I'm quite happy to continue that.
I take her to visit him maybe once a month atm.
I'm sure a lot of you will say I'm being unreasonable, but although Dd does love him, she doesn't really know him that well. He's not dealt with her more than twice in the night when he has been there and that was only because I asked him to and even then, I had to get up to do it as he wasn't having any success.
He is going to phone me mid week and I want to say no to him. I know he'll argue that she shouldn't be on the breast still as he thought she should've been 'on the bottle at six months' as he's said it before when she was a year old.
AIBU or not? and if not, what can I say to not let him take her?

He had asked if I thought it would be a good idea to take her to Disneyland Floria in May and I said no, she's too young.

Thank you, I don't think she's ready for overnight and a theme park? nooooo...I think he wants too much.

This sort of thing should be built up to gradually for her and for the sake of his relationship with her.
You should start with him being around at bedtime and part of bedtime routine. Then build up to one night which you do several times.
A two night stay would be after a process of preparation.
A theme park may have very little for her - like enough for 2 hours not 2 days TBH - but that's a separate issue.
If this goes badly she may become reluctant to see him in the future. It's worth taking care not just for your sake but for his too.

I wouldn't even mention the bfing at this point.

YANBU

solowitch,

I agree with PP. It is too fast to go from barely a visit to two nights overnight. It is not good for HIS daughter's mental health and building contact up over a few months/years will be better all around.

I would not mention the breastfeeding to him as a reason that he can't see his daughter. You don't want him and the courts to try and interfer in this element of your parenting, which they might do, if you try and use it as an excuse to prevent contact.

It is likely that at 2.3 years old if/when she spends the night away from you, she will properly not ask for milk if you are not there

My daughter 2.7 years is very attached to me and her breastmilk (we co-sleep etc) but when she stays over at grandma's she doesn't have any milk of any kind, until she is back with me again in the morning.

HTH

Dd pestered my mum for BM when she had her the one night. She has also thought she could get it from her 10yo brother and that was only last week! so I'm not convinced she wont miss it...besides which, he wants her from the Friday evening until the Sunday night. Dd's currently bf 3 or 4 times a day. Last night she wasn't/isn't well and fed several times through the night...she was screaming. He of course has never seen any of this since she was 6 months old and even then, it was rare that he was there .

solowitch,

It sounds so upsetting that your expartner wants to 'play daddy' when you clearly don't want to be seperated from your daughter and knowing she gets so much comfort from frequently nursing which daddy can't do.

My DD does asks her grandma for milk (she signs BSL hand signs) but accepts that there is no milk for her, which I am grateful for

I'm obviously very angry to begin with, but he seems to have moved the goal posts and that has just added to my anger really. It doesn't help that my Ds doesn't see his father(and doesn't want to)and that it's always just been me with both of my Dc's up until now and I'm seething inside that I now have to wrench Dd into the taking turns thing with HIM. Requesting to take her for the length of time he wants to take her I think is unreasonable ~ even if you put the BF issue aside, which of course I can't/wont.

Solo - I think the other posters have a point that you should list the OTHER reasons why he is being unreasonable and really try not to include the bf'ing as one of them; because if he disagrees with you still bf'ing, it WILL be like lighting the blue touchpaper. The other reasons are plenty valid enough without resorting to that one.

Tbh, it is possible that even if she wants BM when you are not there, she will settle for going without it because you are not there (she will make the connection and realise). Her demands for it when you are there are more insistent because she knows you CAN produce it if she continues.

However - she doesn't know him that well, she has never stayed away from you with him for even one night so 2 nights could be very scary for such a little one; the theme park isn't a very appropriate place, nor is going in a coach party - and who would be looking after her while he is on the rides, as he wouldn't be able to take her on most of them (bet he thinks he can!) so she would end up being left with strangers (Don't mention the OW at this point either - another blue touchpaper issue, I bet!). If he has never seen her for more than a few hours together, he will find that having her for 2 nights and 2 days solid will be very wearing - she is still only a very little girl!

If you can manage to point all this out in a reasonable manner and avoid the blue touchpaper issues, I can't see what he has to shout about. And if he starts, then you can say he clearly hasn't the patience to deal with her for that length of time and you are not prepared to have your daughter traumatised to satisfy some bizarre whim of his.

Has he even said why he wants to do this?

I think your angry feeling are completely justified, your ex is dropping and picking up his parental responsibility as he fancies.

I think everyone on the thread agrees that your ex is taking the micky expecting such a long visit with two overnights, considering the past contact levels and her young age.

I bet if you set up more regular shorter visits he'll soon get bored and leave you alone with your children...with any luck

Out of interest does he financially supporting his daughter ? If he is looking to feature more in his daughter's life, it would be worth checking he is paying the correct amount too. Might make things easier if you had to take her to him for a visit etc...just a thought.

Thanks thumb.

Babies, yes he does pay and no, probably not enough...if I went to the CSA, he'd have to pay almost double what he does, but my benefits would be cut massively and they give me entitlements to things that I really need right now. He does give me extra's if I ask, like money for nappies(usually), toddler group and shoes just as a for instance, though I do have to ask and I hate asking.
I'm really hoping that he'll honour what he said about paying for a third bedroom extension for Dd as I'm rather stuck for accomodation. Yet another reason that has me worrying that he'll try to hold me over a barrel.

Quick update.

Spoke on the phone and I tried to say that it was not practical to have her for two nights away and that she would probably not enjoy anything except the zoo and so what would he do for the other 5 hours...he said play with the other children . Anyway, I did feel forced into mentioning the bf and he thought I should wean her off. I said that she wanted it and she asks for it and that she will stop when she wants to ~ it's called baby led weaning. He wasn't happy, but said he thought that was the reaction he'd get.
He asked when he could start having her over night and I just said that it wasn't practical at the moment(yes, I know, but I need to get my head around it first).
He was busy yesterday and I had my usual Sunday mapped out with my family, though I do usually take her over to his on the Sunday if that's available to him, so he isn't seeing her again this weekend. Fine by me.