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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if changing my name by deed poll is the closest I'll get to marraige then let's do it!

74 replies

pippylongstockings · 20/03/2009 21:48

My DP and I have been together nearly 19 years - we talked about marriage about 8 years ago but then bought a house and had kids so have never had the money, and I really never wanted the fuss of being centre of attention.

I though have recently felt I would like the same name as the rest of my family. But DP now says he really doesn't think we will ever get married and really doesn't want to - so we have talked about me changing my surname.

My mother and IL's think it is a horrible idea and are really upset.

Have any other been through the same ?

OP posts:
shonaspurtle · 20/03/2009 21:53

You can get married for about £70 I think, and you don't have to be the centre of attention if you just go to the registry office and do the basic words/sign the book.

But, if he's really not into that, and you want to change your name, why not? I remember seeing another thread on this topic, although I think the op had changed her name by deed poll without telling her dp, which is a bit different

nickytwotimes · 20/03/2009 21:55

It seems fair enough to me, but it would be much easier to have a basic wedding and enjoy the tax benefits, etc that brings.

Pruners · 20/03/2009 21:55

Message withdrawn

fishie · 20/03/2009 22:14

i was very antimarriage (or rather anti wedding) until had a child, but legally it is so much easier. we had a little registry office marriage then a party for friends, it cost bugger all and nobody has changed any names.

it really shouldn't be about names.

BeckhamSpice · 20/03/2009 22:38

Agree with Pruners. And 19 yrs is a big commitment.

Names don't matter. Ask yourself if that's truly the issue.
I didn't change my name when I married. We didn't care what surname the children had.
Though they ended up with their dad's surname as that went with their first names better than mine.

So I'm Mrs Beckham if people want to call me that for convenience at school etc, but I'll always be a Spice. It's part of me.

But change if you want too.
Or suggest a holiday, get spliced while you're there and negate any future legal issues in one fell swoop.

NotAnOtter · 20/03/2009 22:41

Pippy

dp and i have been together nearly 19 years and 3(?) years ago i changed my name to his...

i am amazed how much i love it

i love having his name

we are very much in love still and i am very happy with our 'situation'

why mend what is not broken is my line of thinking!

Sorrento · 20/03/2009 22:42

I'd get married, really it makes things sooooo much easier as somebody else said £70

Blu · 20/03/2009 22:47

yes, but her dp doesn't want to get married, so no point in urging the OP to get married.

I have t say, I'd be damned if i would change my name by deed poll to the name of a man who didn't want to marry me!

(and i am not married, and wouldn't change my name if i was!)

If you all want the same name, get him to change his!

BEAUTlFUL · 20/03/2009 22:49

If I change my surname to Windsor, am I almost married to Prince William?

NotAnOtter · 20/03/2009 22:56

no beautiful - do you want to be

I do not want to marry dp as i dont see the point

i dont need to prove anything to anyone

i dont feel threatened by people who are married

why do you pour scorn on my choices?

BEAUTlFUL · 20/03/2009 23:07

NotAnOtter - I was talking to the OP. The thread is titled, "... if changing my name by deed poll is the closest I'll get to marriage..." But it's not close to marriage at all, is it? If I re-name myself "tomato", could someone legally slice me up and eat me in a cheese sandwich? No, of course they couldn't, because IT'S BOLLOCKS.

NotAnOtter · 20/03/2009 23:08

might make her feel more married though

and this is about Pippys feelings

dittany · 20/03/2009 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BEAUTlFUL · 20/03/2009 23:23

NotAnOtter - when "feeling married" is recognised by the legal system, it might be worth doing. But until then, it's absolutely meaningless.

NotAnOtter · 20/03/2009 23:27

in your opinion

FiveGoMadInDorset · 20/03/2009 23:30

I urge you to look at Yorkiegirls recent thread as to why you should get married, it makes very sobering reading.

echt · 21/03/2009 05:30

Five's advice is sound.

NotAnOtter - why so snippy at BEAUTIFUL on the AIBU? That's what it's for.

OP - I'm with your family on this one. You get none of the benefits of being married while becoming a nominal appendage. I don't know what the source of their horror is, though this would be mine.

And while I'm here, and in the mood, I never cease to be amazed at the number of women who claim independence by "keeping" their own name, or not getting married, and then, by a crushing majority, give their children their DH/DP's name. WTF?

Spare me the euphony/better name arguments, Misses Glasscock/Knobgobbler/Crone because that is not what is going on in most of these decisions.

seeker · 21/03/2009 05:46

'I urge you to look at Yorkiegirls recent thread as to why you should get married, it makes very sobering reading."

Or look at all my repeated to the point of tedium posts saying that marriage is not the point - making proper arrangements for your future and your children's future is.

Some women do find themselves in a very grim position after the death or departure of their non-married partner. But it's not the lack of a marriage certificate that's put them in that position. It's the simple fact that they didn't make proper plans for the possibility.

Pruners · 21/03/2009 07:57

Message withdrawn

Nabster · 21/03/2009 07:59

Changing your surname is nothing like getting married!

Change if you want but don't think for a minute it means you are married in any legal sense.

Your mother is probably upset that you are disgarding (in her eyes) your father's name for no good reason (ie a wedding.)

Pruners · 21/03/2009 08:01

Message withdrawn

echt · 21/03/2009 08:02

Read the post, pruners. I didn't say that. I said "the number of women who claim "independence"." If you don't claim independence by this method then you're not one of those women.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 21/03/2009 08:04

I wanted to be married but I dont particularly want to change my name as it's my name. By the same thought process I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting the same surname as your DP/DC but not wanting to be married (I am not quite sure what all these "benefits" of being married are unless you have tons of savings/large amount to leave DC in which case tax benefits do kick in)

If that's what you want to do then YANBU.

echt · 21/03/2009 08:05

It's about claiming independence and THEN calling the children by the father's name.

I was right the first time. Read the fecking post!! The whole post.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 21/03/2009 08:11

Whats wrong with calling the children by the fathers name? I like my name but that's because I'm used to it, my DC have no such association. They have to have some surname why should it be the mothers rather than the fathers?

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