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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if changing my name by deed poll is the closest I'll get to marraige then let's do it!

74 replies

pippylongstockings · 20/03/2009 21:48

My DP and I have been together nearly 19 years - we talked about marriage about 8 years ago but then bought a house and had kids so have never had the money, and I really never wanted the fuss of being centre of attention.

I though have recently felt I would like the same name as the rest of my family. But DP now says he really doesn't think we will ever get married and really doesn't want to - so we have talked about me changing my surname.

My mother and IL's think it is a horrible idea and are really upset.

Have any other been through the same ?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 21/03/2009 08:17

I think the OP should do whatever she wants - it's only a surname!

And I do find it q.funny some people have been mentioning about marriage being about commitment etc when the OP has been with her DP for 19 YEARS! They are committed. Definitely. They pass the test.

Pruners · 21/03/2009 08:18

Message withdrawn

PuppyMonkey · 21/03/2009 08:23

Slight hijack - but does anybody else see a massive long blank space underneath my earlier post???? My MN has gone very strange these last couple of days?????

Nabster · 21/03/2009 08:27

Libars - read Yorkiegirl's thread and then say there are no benefits of being married.

Nabster · 21/03/2009 08:27

libras

totalmisfit · 21/03/2009 08:41

sounds like he's digging his heels in.

ask him why he doesn't want to get married? like other posters have said you don't have to be the centre of attention unless you want to. turn up, drag some witnesses in off the street etc.

from a legal perspective you are in a much stronger position if anything were to happen if you do get married. changing your name to have the same surname as the others without getting married seems like a step back from equality rather than a step forward.

echt · 21/03/2009 09:25

Pruners -unthinking is the word. You may not personally know anyone but I have met plenty and some have posted here.

Libras - my point is WHY do so many people reach conclusion that the man's name the the choice to make?

Read the post.

Pruners · 21/03/2009 09:27

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 21/03/2009 09:34

Ditto what others have said re. YG's thread re. marriage and what happens if the worst occurs.

Simply having insurances and wills in place does not give the surviving partner the same rights and access to support (financial and legal) as if you are married.

seeker · 21/03/2009 11:26

Once again.....

"I urge you to look at Yorkiegirls recent thread as to why you should get married, it makes very sobering reading."

Or look at all my repeated to the point of tedium posts saying that marriage is not the point - making proper arrangements for your future and your children's future is.

Some women do find themselves in a very grim position after the death or departure of their non-married partner. But it's not the lack of a marriage certificate that's put them in that position. It's the simple fact that they didn't make proper plans for the possibility."

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 21/03/2009 11:42

I know I won't be married ! I guess even in this day and age and despite lots of married women wanting to keep their own name. Despite it being a step back for equality - I would like to have the same name as my DP and my children.

We have been together for 19 years and have a mortgage/life assurance/wills etc. I work as a bank manager and so am very aware of making proper provisions for the worst case scenario. I have seen first hand what can happen if you have not made arrangements not just for death but for illness or injury - whether your married or not.

Nabster - My mum does not care one hoot about the name my father gave me they have been divorced for 15 years!

OP posts:
NotAnOtter · 21/03/2009 11:54

pippy do it....do it!

i am there with you

i actually do not WANT to be married

i love having the names bit though - although am still Miss

CreativeZen · 21/03/2009 12:02

All the planning in the world will not give a non-married partner the same rights and benefits of a married partner when their loved one dies.

Take inheritance tax, for example. Any estate passing to a spouse is tax-free. This is not true of a non-married spouse. The deceased can leave all his estate to his non-married partner, but inheritance tax (if it applies viz. value of estate) will have to be paid. This does not happen if the parties are married. There are other examples of the benefits.

MrsMattie · 21/03/2009 12:05

Just get married. Go to the reg office, do the 5 min ceremony, hey presto - you've got legal protection and you can have his name if you want. What is your husband making a big deal out of it for?

peachyfox · 21/03/2009 12:07

Seeker said it's about making proper arrangements about you and your children's future. Er, some of us still have a romantic bone left in our body! It's about your husband and you and your relationship. I'm currently forcing using gentle persuasion to extract a ring from my DP as we are expecting our first baby, there's a long old thread about it here.

Lots of people will say you don't need to change your name, that it doesn't mean anything. It clearly does to you so stick to your guns.

You've lost momentum on the marriage topic. Your DP probably thinks why bother, that stuff's for young striplings in the first flushes of love etc. My DP would be happy to say he loves me in a crowded restaurant but does a wettie at the thought of a wedding.

You'll just have to make him see how strongly you feel and maybe use this as a spur to get a bit of romance/lust/sugar between you.

FWIW I think the name change thing is a bit sad. Don't give up!

MrsMattie · 21/03/2009 12:08

If you've been together for years and have kids and mortgages and wills...why not get married? It seems utterly bizarre to go down to the town hall and register a new name when you could just get married down the hall in the same amount of time. And it would be a bit more romantic, too

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 21/03/2009 12:10

I am sure that YG post (sorry haven't got time to find it and read it again ) was posted several years ago BEFORE it became law that the father named on the birth certificate had parental responsibilty.

echt - because it is tradition I am guessing but not all traditions are bad ones. Children have to have a surname and I am not sure why if you choose to give them your husbands surname it is a problem. I had a CHOICE I could have given them my surname I just thought in the grand scheme of independence and feminism it really wasn't a big deal, it meant more to my husband than it did me.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 21/03/2009 12:13

Notanotter - how did your family's react ?

My FIL thinks his son is insulting me by not wanting to get married!

My mother despite being divorced for 15 years thinks it is the proper thing to do - and wants a big party.

I don't want a big party and even doing a registry office and a pub lunch turns into the whole politics of inviting aunties, uncles, cousins, friends etc. I'm not overly bothered about being married or not we have been with each other longer than alot of married couples - if it ain't broke don't fix it......

OP posts:
Original poster
pippylongstockings · 21/03/2009 12:15

I take some of it back - if pushed I guess I would prefer to be married than just change my name - but DP is adamant that it ain't going to happen.....

OP posts:
Original poster
pippylongstockings · 21/03/2009 12:21

Zen - We don't have enough assests for IHT to be an issue unless we win the lottery!

OP posts:
CreativeZen · 21/03/2009 12:48

I did say that it was one example of the benefits. Another could be that, if one of you fell seriously ill and important decisions had to be made regarding your treatment, if you are not married the partner will not be classed as next of kin and therefore a parent (even if estranged for years) could take those decisions rather than the partner. There are more.

Pruners · 21/03/2009 13:06

Message withdrawn

seeker · 21/03/2009 13:48

Because, mrsmattie, in my opinion, marriage is a hang over from an age when women were considered chattels and there had to be a ceremony for handing her over from one man - her father -to another, her husband.

You did ask!

CreativeZen · 21/03/2009 13:51

Well, no one gave me away when I married dh and I certainly don't consider myself to be a chattel and neither does he. I think even the most rampant feminist wouldn't avoid marriage for that reason.

Pruners · 21/03/2009 14:06

Message withdrawn