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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if changing my name by deed poll is the closest I'll get to marraige then let's do it!

74 replies

pippylongstockings · 20/03/2009 21:48

My DP and I have been together nearly 19 years - we talked about marriage about 8 years ago but then bought a house and had kids so have never had the money, and I really never wanted the fuss of being centre of attention.

I though have recently felt I would like the same name as the rest of my family. But DP now says he really doesn't think we will ever get married and really doesn't want to - so we have talked about me changing my surname.

My mother and IL's think it is a horrible idea and are really upset.

Have any other been through the same ?

OP posts:
seeker · 21/03/2009 14:10

yes I would!

Horton · 21/03/2009 14:10

We got married in a similar position to the OP. We have been together nearly 11 years, have one child, a big fat mortgage, are committed to each other and in love but didn't really feel the need to be married as such. We felt we'd already done the commitment part some years ago.

DH wasn't keen on the whole idea of making a big thing about it and I didn't care about that either but I did like the idea of our family all having the same surname. So last summer we went to our local registry office, did the deed v quickly and easily with no extra fuss, went for a pizza with my brothers (who were our witnesses) and went home. DH went to work later, actually. Not at all romantic but we rather enjoyed it and we like being married.

I think it was the inheritance tax thing that swayed it for me, finally. At some point, one of us will die before the other one (barring horrible things like dying together in a car crash), and the last thing either of us want is for the other to be landed with a huge bill and possibly have to sell our house to pay it etc.

Just do it, OP. You might like it more than you think you will and the practical benefits are worth having.

Pruners · 21/03/2009 14:13

Message withdrawn

Horton · 21/03/2009 14:28

I do too, Pruners. And what an expense. We are vaguely considering having a barbecue for all our friends and family on our first anniversary but I don't suppose that will cost more than a couple of hundred quid and will be fairly low-stress. The wedding itself came in at about £130 including the pizzas.

Docbunches · 21/03/2009 16:51

I agree with NotAnOtter and also don't WANT to be married.

I've been with my DP for 20 years this August, we have two DCs. Neither DP or I have ever felt the desire to get married, mainly because of the hassle, expense and lack of desire to be the 'centre of attention'. It's never been an issue with any other family members. Also, we're well aware of the possible problems that can arise in not being married.

I changed my surname by Deed Poll many years ago at a cost of about £40 so that all four of us have the same name. For some inexplicable reason, it immediately made me feel a lot more comfortable in our relationship, and more importantly, our DCs have always been fine about it.

So I say, definitely DO it!

Pippy, I can't really see why your mother and ILs think it's a horrible idea and are really upset? (A bit of an overreaction by them surely!)

SoupDragon · 21/03/2009 17:20

I don't understand why you'd want to mess about changing your name but not get married. Surely getting married is only a small extra amount of hassle but gives you legal protection. It's not like you even have to tell anyone.

Why would you change your name to feel more married if you don't want to get married?? I makes no sense to me. Personally I'd just get married, not tell anyone and then change my name.

Horton · 21/03/2009 17:27

But there doesn't have to be hassle, expense and attention. It took DH and I less than £100 and about an hour to organise getting married and ten minutes to actually do it.

You're right that it's a bit mad to be so upset, though.

Horton · 21/03/2009 17:37

Actually, we seriously considered getting married and not telling anyone but decided it would just cause too much hassle down the line if anyone found out. DH's parents were pretty weird about us doing it without inviting anyone, tbh.

Miggsie · 21/03/2009 18:24

I'm married, but I didn't change my name..why change your name?
There is no legal compulsion...and as far as I am concerned my family name is just as valid as DH's.

Also, I didn't want to go through the insane hassle of changing:
payroll
tax details
passport
savings
credit cards
etc etc.

I am called Mrs or Ms or Miss randomly and frankly I don't care which.

I know women who have married and were desperate to change their names, I think it's bogus, like saying "ooh, if I change my name I will become this wonderful shiny new person and everything that went before is cancelled out and from now on everything will be different because I have a different surname!"

I don't get the wanting to change your name, it's a hideous hangover from the days when a woman was some man's daughter and then some man's wife and had no legal status of her own.

Do any of my male colleagues come into work saying "I'm married and I must change my company email address..."
No they don't.

Why dont you get DP to change his name to yours? Won't that be just as valid?

NotAnOtter · 21/03/2009 19:35

nice to know peachy - well judge away I am parping this thread now

PARP ( caps intentional)

BEAUTlFUL · 21/03/2009 22:10

Changing your name to your DP's surname but remaining a "Miss" is confusing! It reads like you're his daughter or his sister.

Pruners · 22/03/2009 07:43

Message withdrawn

Pruners · 22/03/2009 07:44

Message withdrawn

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2009 08:13

Pippy

I don't think you should change your surname to match his; it would not change anything much and you would still remain unmarried.

Why does your partner not want to get married?. I would start asking him those questions and find out why. Maybe he does not want to get married (too much fuss and bother perhaps now you have family of your own and a property, maybe he feels he is committed enough to you - I would personally argue otherwise) but you need an explanation from him as to why. Maybe his situation is now convenient - for him yes, for you no. If he thinks that (and this is generally speaking) an unmarried couple split is somehow less complicated than a marriage split he is very much mistaken.

You can do wills and the whole financial shebang but all that still does not make you each other's next of kin and you would still not be entitled to receive a widows pension on his death (at £80 plus a week this is also a sum of money that could be helpful whilst his estate is being sorted out). Also some hospital doctors would not regard you as his next of kin and would instead ask his next of kin (in a legal sense his parents) instead re treatment decisions. Also you may not even be able to order a headstone for him!!.

Does he actually realise the full implications of where this would leave either of you on death?. He probably does not, this sort of thing happens to other people. He likely has not considered it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2009 08:19

What's in a name?.

The permutations of adopting a different family surname are widespread.

DH's Dad changed his surname by deed poll when he was much younger to that of a distance relation; this was due to his ongoing problems with his overtly religious Dad. A man changing his surname is a big deal. His wife and children also have this new surname. My H does not mind and its nicer than the original.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 22/03/2009 09:22

Pruners I am married I call myself varyingly

Ms
Ms
Miss
Mrs

depending on the day, my mood, the weather and whether it's a full moon or not.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 22/03/2009 09:22

Pruners I am married I call myself varyingly

Ms
Ms
Miss
Mrs

depending on the day, my mood, the weather and whether it's a full moon or not.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 22/03/2009 09:23

I sometimes also post twice depending on the day, my mood, the weather and whether it's a full moon or not.....

edam · 22/03/2009 09:41

I'm with Blu, I'd refuse to change my name to that of a man who didn't think I was good enough to be his wife. And I wouldn't give my children someone else's surname, either (not alone, at any rate). If you aren't married, you are very vulnerable if you ever split up or one of you dies.

Point out some of the legal arguments on Yorkigirl's thread - what would happen to your children or your house if you both die unmarried (surviving partner could have to sell due to inheritance tax/be thrown out by next of kin)? Who would get to decide on turning off the life support machine if one of you was desperately ill?

edam · 22/03/2009 09:43

(Actually I kept my own name when we got married, and gave it to ds. But in your shoes it would be a cold day in hell before I paid my partner the compliment of changing my whole legal identity for him without the protection of marriage.)

edam · 22/03/2009 09:44

Sorry, another thought - if he won't marry you, you could insist on changing your children's names, so they have two surnames or at the very least yours as an extra middle name.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/03/2009 09:45

my friend is going through this as well, she got pregnant with twins on their first date and now they are 14mths, so been together just under 2years and she wants the same name as her children (esp at nursery/doctors etc)

her dp says they will get married one day but not yet - when they can afford it

my friend REALLY wants to,she says it will be a sign of committment, and at the moment she feels insecure

she has joked about changing her name by deed poll, but not sure it is really a joke iykwim

i have said weddings can be cheap, shes happy to have a quickie at the registry office, doesnt want or need a huge party/dress etc but still dp says no

edam · 22/03/2009 09:47

My sister gave her dd her partner's surname because she believed they would get married (she didn't want to do it while she was pregnant due to echoes of shotgun weddings in the old days).

Really regrets it now as her partner has no interest in getting married. Selfish git has got it all his own way - gets to keep all the money if they ever split up, has full parental rights to their dd... having kids without being married is a great deal for the father.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 22/03/2009 21:20

As I stated before we have been together 19 years - we have been through thick and thin we have made alot of legal provisions and talked to our respective parents about things like accidents/life support machines etc. We are both very committed. I don't think marriage makes us more committed.

I also see in my job the other side - people who are married and seperated for years but didn't get divorced and then the legal problems when husband/wife dies but the other party now has no financial interest!

Mothers day today has kind of brought it all up again...He really doesn't feel that marriage is a necessary piece of paper but has said that thinking about the deed poll situation makes him feel a bit sad. Mainly I think because of the scorn from family.

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