I'm beginning to hate my mother even more

[LolaTheShowgirl]

A few days ago I posted the following:A few months ago my mum asked me to take out a loan so she can pay off her visa and she will give me the money for it because she can't get a loan herself because she's not working and her husband can't because he has not been in the country long enough. I said I would think about it but didn't give her an answer. I'm really not wanting to do this at all because I don't want to have this happening for at least 5 years. Anything could happen and I would be left with a £10,000 loan to pay off. She asked again tonight if I would consider it.

I really don't want to come out with a straight no as she will be really funny with me, I just know it. Plus, what put the icing on the cake (the cheeky part) was we were chatting about her visa and I said if she was to die, her next of kin is left with the debt to pay and of course that is her husband. Oh, said my mother, but he would go back home (he comes from abroad) and you know he could never afford it and then she intiated it would be me who would have to pay it therefore. But mum, I said, I work 20 hours per week, can barely afford to live as it is. He (her husband) gets a good wage over here I told her, it would be only fair he would have to pay it as he IS now her next of kin! She went all funny on me and now is being abrupt with me.

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I got some very good advice from m-netters and i'm grateful for that.

Today my mum was mithering me even more for an answer, so I told her that seeing as anything could happen and I would be landed with £10,000 of debt, I just couldn't afford that risk. She told me not to be so stupid so I asked her if she realised what a huge thing she was asking of me. She replied that it was nothing, and apart from having the monthly repayments taken from my account, I would be in no way involved as she would give me the debits on the same day. She said that she would have to think of something else if I wouldn't help her and I know that she meant selling the house. The house was my beloved nanna's house which she really saved hard for even though she was really poor. I hate these mind games and just feel like crying right now.

What an awful situation for you. Be strong- don't loan her the money.

She's blackmailing you now - emotionally. Don't fall for it. If you really want her to keep the house, then lend her the money but make her sign the house over to you?

Sorry you are being put through this.

I think you know you have to say no though.

£10000 is too much to take on, especially (and of course, I dont know the details) for a VISA card bill. How on earth did she run up that amount of money???

I'm afraid, if it were me, then I think I'd tell her to look at putting the house on the market.

Lola. dont give in. Please dont let her pressurize you to do this.

You will have to pay it back with interest over a long time. Her debts are not your problem.

You should not get into debt for anybody. Not even your mum. Can she remortgage the house rather than sell it? This will enable her to pay off her credit cards.

She should try and switch to a new deal with a new card company, such as Halifax which is doing 0% interest on balance transfer for 1 year.

Don't do the loan. The risks are just too big, and she really shouldn't be asking you.

Lola
This is completely unfair that she asking you to take on her debts. If there is a reason she cannot get a loan herself then why should you take that risk?
Stand firm.

Er and if she's not working, how exactly is she going to pay you back each month?

Lola - I really think this is going to go on, in various forms, for many years. Please see about counselling. You and your mum have relationship that is doing you no good. I really think you need someone in your life, a counsellor, for eg, that is going to back you up when you say "no" and help you get your relationship in perspective.

Selling the house feels to you like emotional blackmail. But it is just selling a house. And she could pursue other options - downsizing and renting it out, re-mortgaging and releasing equity may still be a possible option (though I'm not sure about that these days).

Whatever, clearly what is getting to you is your relationship with your mum, which doea, from your posts, sound overwhelming. She sounds as though she shunts responsibility for her behaviour onto you. which would be uncomfortable in an adolescent, a frind or a partner but in a mum is very, very hard.

Poor you. Please don't be bullied. Your initial perception of the initial request was correct. It still has disaster written all over it.

Good luck.

Tell her the bank says you can`t have the loan
In this working climate its probarly true

She is blackmailing you and its not on...

DO NOT DO IT!
its not worth the worry you would be under until it was paid off, if it would be at all.
she sounds very maniputive, trying to blackmail you.
i have lent money to my stepdad and mum in the past, even bought her her wedding dress, as soon as we have a disagreement she doesnt speak to me and the paying back stops.
would never ever lend her money again

Don't weaken! That is appalling. To be feeding off your child in that way is just horrible.

So sorry lola.

Do not do it under any circumstances. She is old enough to have to take responsibility for her own debts. Blackmailing you is not the way to sort them out. She is totally out of order.

Well I would be concerned for her (or at least act it if annoyance is getting in the way) - if she can't get credit herself then it means she very likely won't be able to pay it back. Taking out a loan to pay off credit card debts is generally a Very Bad Idea anyway. So I would show her this website: Martin Lewis Debt Crisis Plan and/or look at it yourself and explain the gist of it to her, if you think she would be suspicious of advice from the internet. It basically explains how to shift credit card debt to the cheapest way of paying it off and how best to go about it without getting stung by those companies who promise to reduce all your monthly outgoings but really trap you into an agreement for about 10 years.

I think applying for credit for someone else is technically fraud anyway - don't let her do it. Act concerned or show genuine concern and give her the resources to help herself, but don't get involved. She is NOT your responsibility and you do not need to feel guilty.

Thanks for your replies.

She can't get the loan herself because she is unemployed.

She says she will pay the loan back with her DH's wages and she said she will be able to afford them rather than the visa because the payment will be lower.

The repayments for the loan will be over the length of 5 years but the way she is smoking and putting weight on, I doubt she will even live that long really. She will probably have lung cancer or a heart attack.

If she can sell the house to raise money then she must surely be able to raise a loan using to house as security, ie remortgage.

Don't weaken, Lola. Your nanna would be on your side.

Lola - you know it's just wrong. Even as you post that you know it's wrong.

We're here as your back-up.

Don't get sucked into the madness. Whenever you feel yourself getting pulled in by what she's saying - come on here.

It is a bad, bad idea. You are right to hear alarm bells.

Do what she asks and 1. You are going to be laden with a huge dabt 2. you're relationship with your mother is going to end up completely f*ed.

She is not going to pay you back. Not all of it. Not most of it.

She's got into so much debt by;

Paying at least £300 x 5 for her husband to go back home for visits and he's never paid her back each time

Buying one car and then another one just because her husband liked it. Again it just came from the visa and he never paid it back.

Because the modem broke, she has two broadband direct debits coming out of it because her husband couldn't wait for the new modem to arrive and so got a contract dongle modem thing the day after it broke.

if she can afford to smoke she shouldnt have a £10000 debt! and whats stopping her getting a job, welcome to the real world mother

That's right.

You know it's all wrong.

Just keep telling yourself that. Just keep posting it here.

It's logical. It's real.

It's good to care for your mum. It's good to be daughterly. But giving her this loan is not helping her.

She isn't really trying to find a job. I show her ones that will be perfectly suitable and she turns them down saying that she would have to get 2 buses to get there and it would be a long journey (max 1 hour on buses).

She says that he cant take a loan because he's not been in the country long enough