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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm beginning to hate my mother even more

73 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 11:40

A few days ago I posted the following:A few months ago my mum asked me to take out a loan so she can pay off her visa and she will give me the money for it because she can't get a loan herself because she's not working and her husband can't because he has not been in the country long enough. I said I would think about it but didn't give her an answer. I'm really not wanting to do this at all because I don't want to have this happening for at least 5 years. Anything could happen and I would be left with a £10,000 loan to pay off. She asked again tonight if I would consider it.

I really don't want to come out with a straight no as she will be really funny with me, I just know it. Plus, what put the icing on the cake (the cheeky part) was we were chatting about her visa and I said if she was to die, her next of kin is left with the debt to pay and of course that is her husband. Oh, said my mother, but he would go back home (he comes from abroad) and you know he could never afford it and then she intiated it would be me who would have to pay it therefore. But mum, I said, I work 20 hours per week, can barely afford to live as it is. He (her husband) gets a good wage over here I told her, it would be only fair he would have to pay it as he IS now her next of kin! She went all funny on me and now is being abrupt with me.

---------

I got some very good advice from m-netters and i'm grateful for that.

Today my mum was mithering me even more for an answer, so I told her that seeing as anything could happen and I would be landed with £10,000 of debt, I just couldn't afford that risk. She told me not to be so stupid so I asked her if she realised what a huge thing she was asking of me. She replied that it was nothing, and apart from having the monthly repayments taken from my account, I would be in no way involved as she would give me the debits on the same day. She said that she would have to think of something else if I wouldn't help her and I know that she meant selling the house. The house was my beloved nanna's house which she really saved hard for even though she was really poor. I hate these mind games and just feel like crying right now.

OP posts:

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 20/03/2009 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pingviner · 20/03/2009 12:09

"She told me not to be so stupid so I asked her if she realised what a huge thing she was asking of me. She replied that it was nothing..."

This is really nasty emotional blackmail and a transparent attempt to turn things round and make you look and feel like the unreasonable one! She sounds to have very little concern or respect for you as a person from this and other threads and I suspect other posters are right in stating that you might need help to disentangle yourself from her games

She may have to find another way of dealing with the debt? So what, she's an adult and thats part of life, and she needs to get her big girl panties on and accept that she ran up the bills, you didnt make her: and she cant expect her daughter to bail her out. As you say - anything could happen, and you have your children to think of first of all - why should they potentially suffer for their grannys mistakes?

Try and see if she'll go to CAB or get some independant advice - thats a much better help to give her than risking your security and relationship on some dodgy financial arrangement

Good luck and stay strong, refusing to take this debt on yourself is the best course of action for both of you, though I suspect your mother may never see it that way

(NB I dont always practice what I preach and this advice comes form bitter experience- having used my earning potential and good credit rating to secure money for a family member I am now finding it very hard to extricate myself in order to stabilise my own finances and it is putting some strain on the relationship)

cherryblossoms · 20/03/2009 12:09

None of it matters.

It doesn't matter what the reasons are - it's just not the right thing for you to do. It's not the right thing for her to ask.

Why should you be trying to sort out jobs for her? She sounds like a nineteen year old you're trying to shift from the sofa.

You have slipped into the role of her carer, and she is being shielded from responsibility by you.

Please, start stepping back. It's not going to do you any good in the long run.

blondie80 · 20/03/2009 12:10

don't do it, if her husband won't pay her back for things she's bought for him, why do you think he will give her money out of his wages to pay you back???

if she dies he will get your nannas house and probably sell it anyway, then clear off home with the profits.

she is being v. unreasonable

QuintessentialShadow · 20/03/2009 12:10

Why cant her husband take a loan or pay down her credit cards? He is the reason she is in debt, and HE has a salary?

If he wont do this, he does not really care much for your mum, by the looks of it.

You know, as her husband, all her assets, like your nanas house, would go to him, wouldnt it?

Can she sign the house over to you? Is there a lot of equity in the house?

QuintessentialShadow · 20/03/2009 12:10

x post, good thinking blondie!

bellavita · 20/03/2009 12:13

Lola - I remember your thread and others about your mum and her dp.

Don't do it, she is emotionally blackmailing you. It's as if they are the children and you are the parent. She needs to grow up and learn to look after herself and be responsible for her own actions.

Stay strong - even if it means cutting her out of your life because if she can do this, what else can she do?

4paws · 20/03/2009 12:14

Lola - 'he never paid her back'

and what will happen if you take out a loan

he'll never pay YOU back

4paws · 20/03/2009 12:19

Lola - apart from the loan, why is it you are so worried about your mum going 'funny'? It sounds like you are still desperately trying to please her and keep her happy. Why? She doesn't sound like she's doing you any favours. Stand up for yourself

gardeningmum05 · 20/03/2009 12:20

i have nothing to do with my mum and its the best thing i ever did

CherryChoc · 20/03/2009 12:21

If she can't afford the repayments on the card currently then she needs to get the company to reduce them and/or shift all or part of the balance to another card, preferably one with a low interest deal. (Best Balance Transfers, including those for poor credit scorers) If they refuse to lower the payments AND she is not being accepted for any other card balance transfers, then yes, she will probably need to remortgage her house.

It goes without saying she should not spend any more on the card - tell her to cut it up if she hasn't already.

Really though if she is struggling that badly she needs to be talking to someone who can help, not getting more debt as that won't help - it will likely make things worse. The Consumer Credit Counselling Service, the CAB or www.nationaldebtline.co.uk will be able to tell her what to do. You could go with her as they will tell her that you getting a loan for her would be the worst thing she could do.

This is a shortened version of the link I gave you in my previous post. Read it!

WinkyWinkola · 20/03/2009 12:21

Don't do it. You're not financially responsible for your mother. She can't expect you to risk your financial credibility like this.

Say no and keep saying no. If she has to sell that house then it's down to her, not you. It's not your fault.

JemL · 20/03/2009 12:26

What a horrible position to put you in.

She doesn't need to get a loan out to pay off her VISA. If she is really in trouble - over her limit, behind on payments - she can negotiate with the card provider to work out a payment plan. They will be so happy that she wants to pay, they will work out something very reasonable! She does not need to sell her house.

I would suspect that she wants the money to pay the whole thing off is so that she then has a card with £10k of available credit on it...and then what happens if she runs it up again?!

Your instinct to say no is absolutely right.

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 12:26

She even said that if I get the loan for her, she will be able to get a few hundred pounds more than required and give that to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 12:30

I just feel really against getting herself the loan while her DH manages to buy this fantastic lifestyle and able to get anything he asks AND sends money to his family over home (none of whom work), while my mother is seriously in debt and I am worrying constantly about her. I just sit alone and cry about this.

I worry that my nanna is sat up there on her cloud looking down and thinks I am being selfish and doing wrong by saying no and making the wrong decisions in life.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 20/03/2009 12:30

Refuse to discuss it with her anymore. It's a no go subject.

B52s · 20/03/2009 12:31

Don't do it Lola. If your mum is between a rock and a hrad place then surely it's up to her DH to help out, esp as it sounds like she spent the money for him in the first place. If he has a good wage but still can't apply for a loan they should still be able to come to some sort of agreement with the Visa people. Please seek some financial advice about this for your mum. If he won't pay her, what makes you think he'll pay you?

4paws · 20/03/2009 12:32

Classic. How dim. Pay even more money in interest for money that she doesn't actually need! I worked with someone who did that, got a consolidation loan to put all his debts together, added a bit extra which he then spent and in no time accumulated extra debt on top of his loan. Its madness

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 12:33

If I do complain about her husband spending all this money she hasn't got, I get told that he does so much overtime and to be fair he has occasionally done a 60 hour week or something but it all gets spent on rubbish or sent over to his family over home and she insinuates what am I doing working 20 hours a week...nothing! Like my job isn't real or something.

OP posts:

B52s · 20/03/2009 12:34

Your nanna would be on your side. Probably a bit saddened by your mum asking you, but she would be on your side. A house is just a house at the end of the day, and ten grand (ten grand!) is an awful lot of money. Tell your mum the bank refused you as you only work part time. I feel for you - you want to help but in this situation it would be really unwise to take out a loan.

cherryblossoms · 20/03/2009 12:37

Lola no.

If your nana had anything to say she would be telling her daughter not to put her grandchild in that position.

You really, really need to get separate from your mum and get some rational perspective on this.

It's madness.

She has a working partner. She and he will not pay you back. They will sell the house anyway, at some point. As other posters have pointed out, should her dp outlive your mum, the house belongs to him anyway.

It is not not not your familial duty to support your mother in irrational behaviour. It may be your duty to stop supporting it.

I think you need to physically separate from your mum, temporarily perhaps. Just so that you're out of the emotional quagmire you're in and can actually see how crazy all this is.

4paws · 20/03/2009 12:38

HIS overseas trips, HIS car, HIS debt. Anything to do with you? NO!

kando · 20/03/2009 12:40

Lola, I completely agree with what others have said - don't do it! And if your nan is sitting on her cloud thinking anything, she most certainly will NOT be thinking that YOU are being selfish and doing wrong by bailing your mother out! It's apalling behaviour - she's supposed to be a fully grown woman yet can't take responsibility for her own actions so decides that her daughter should do it for her! What a great mum she is! for you that she's put you in this situation. Be strong - SAY NO!!

cherryblossoms · 20/03/2009 12:42

Btw - your mum sounds as though she is in quite a weird relationship with her dp.

You are being asked to shore it up, make it feasible, keep it going.

There's a lot more going on here than just the loan.

What is the deal with her relationship with her dp?

Forget the fact that he can't take out a oan because he's not resident - there's a whole thing going on here about her paying for him, even though he not she works. Is she scared he will leave her if she can't buy him stuff he wants? Are you being asked to pitch in and pay for her relationship?

Do you really think you should be propping it up?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/03/2009 12:43

I'd second CherryChoc, there's load of free advice out there for her, the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) is brilliant. I think that's the only way you should help her.

DO NOT take out the loan. It's not helping her control her spending (or that of her husband) it's simply clearing the credit card ready for more purchases.

As others have pointed out he hasn't paid her back for the spending, why do you think he'll pay her/you for the loan?

Good luck and keep saying no.

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