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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm beginning to hate my mother even more

73 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 11:40

A few days ago I posted the following:A few months ago my mum asked me to take out a loan so she can pay off her visa and she will give me the money for it because she can't get a loan herself because she's not working and her husband can't because he has not been in the country long enough. I said I would think about it but didn't give her an answer. I'm really not wanting to do this at all because I don't want to have this happening for at least 5 years. Anything could happen and I would be left with a £10,000 loan to pay off. She asked again tonight if I would consider it.

I really don't want to come out with a straight no as she will be really funny with me, I just know it. Plus, what put the icing on the cake (the cheeky part) was we were chatting about her visa and I said if she was to die, her next of kin is left with the debt to pay and of course that is her husband. Oh, said my mother, but he would go back home (he comes from abroad) and you know he could never afford it and then she intiated it would be me who would have to pay it therefore. But mum, I said, I work 20 hours per week, can barely afford to live as it is. He (her husband) gets a good wage over here I told her, it would be only fair he would have to pay it as he IS now her next of kin! She went all funny on me and now is being abrupt with me.

---------

I got some very good advice from m-netters and i'm grateful for that.

Today my mum was mithering me even more for an answer, so I told her that seeing as anything could happen and I would be landed with £10,000 of debt, I just couldn't afford that risk. She told me not to be so stupid so I asked her if she realised what a huge thing she was asking of me. She replied that it was nothing, and apart from having the monthly repayments taken from my account, I would be in no way involved as she would give me the debits on the same day. She said that she would have to think of something else if I wouldn't help her and I know that she meant selling the house. The house was my beloved nanna's house which she really saved hard for even though she was really poor. I hate these mind games and just feel like crying right now.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 20/03/2009 12:51

Just out of interest (good advice here lola please don't take out that loan) but have you talked to her husband about this or is she keeping this a secret from him. How would he be if you all sat down to discuss this problem?

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2009 12:55

Hi mamas, her husband knows she's in debt but doesn't seem to care. After all he's booked his next flight with the visa recently...another £400+ and even though he knows they're sinking in debt, he refuses to have cheaper options at the supermarket. It all has to be the expensive, branded stuff.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 20/03/2009 12:58

Oh dear, what is you mum getting out of this relationship? So you have talked to him about it then. What was his response to 'what are you going to do?' Could you 'lose' the visa card somehow?

Lulumama · 20/03/2009 13:00

so she is in debt because her DH wants things, she buys them and he does not pay her back,. but if you take out a loan for £10 000, he will pay it back to her to pay you back

yeah, right

how many more threads?? how many more times can you ask what to do??

please,. please get some help to break free from your mother and her demansd

Kimi · 20/03/2009 13:04

DO NOT DO IT PLEASE DO NOT DO IT

StewieGriffinsMom · 20/03/2009 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 20/03/2009 13:19

So your 20 hours per week nothing job is going to support the lavish lifestyle of your step father now?

You mustnt do it.
You have no guarantee they will ever pay you back. Like another poster said, she will pay off her credit card debt, have another 10 k available to her, YOU will be stuck with loan repayments for a debt that isnt your, but in your name. YOU will have to pay while your mum and her partner has another 10 k free credit to use.

He IS resident, he CAN get a loan, he is married to a British woman AND he has a job and a house. It is bullshit he cant get a loan. Wont is more like it as he then would be responsible to pay it.

Kimi · 20/03/2009 13:35

I am sorry to say it but she can pay off some of her debts when she sell her story to take a break, about how she was used for money by a man who more that likely has a family back home....

Walk away, her life, her mess her problem

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa · 20/03/2009 13:40

Lola

Do not under any circumstances take out this loan for your mother.

Your nana would not want you to - if she saved and saved for the house, she was a sensible woman and would not want you to financially cripple yourself to aid your mother's feckless twunt of a DP.

Be strong.......

unavailable · 20/03/2009 14:01

Lola
Your mum is being used by this man, and is behaving very foolishly. However, she is an adult and must at some level know what he is doing, and what she is subsequently asking of you, is totally unreasonable.
Have you ever had a calm discussion with her about your worries about her husband and his spending, or does it always end up in a row?
What about other family members/friends? They must see what he is doing and be concerned? Maybe it would be better coming from someone else other than you?

You are clearly worried about her, but know that giving her what she is asking for would just end up with both of you in a deep financial mess whilst "husband" would probably make a sharp exit onto another gullible victim.

Oh, and I agree with the poster that said its rubbish that he cant get a loan because he is foreign. He is working, has a stable address etc.

Jenbot · 20/03/2009 14:01

Lola - I can't remember if I rplied to your last thread of if the baby interrupted me so sorry if I am repeating myself!

Your mum should not be putting you in this situation, she should realise that you have to take care of your own family, they are your focus now.

She is big enough to sort out her own messes in life. Don't do it.
Even if you do it won't be the last thing anyway, there'll be another request, and another, until she brings you down with her if that is where she's headed.

Stay strong, your Nana would want you to look after yourself.

TweetleBeetle · 20/03/2009 14:04

Lola

You know what to do don't you? YOu're looking for confirmation that your mother is being very unreasonable and you've had that in bucket loads.

your mum is totally int he wrong here, do not even consider getting the loan out for her, you would proably be refused anyway the way things are today - you work for 20 hours a week and want £10000, the maths just don't add up.

Let her sell the house where's she going to live btw?) abd if your nan did mind then she's as nutty as your mum. Look after yourself and your kids - DON NOT GET THE LOAN!

MichaelaS · 20/03/2009 19:23

Lola

Don't do it - I have a friend who took out a loan on behalf of his brother, and ended up having to pay it all back himself. It's caused him years of misery, as he can't really afford to pay it.

I would just tell your mother that you don't think applying for a loan on her behalf would actually help her in the long run, and it is out of concern for her, and the desire to protect your relationship with each other, that you are not doing it.

Good luck!

Acinonyx · 20/03/2009 19:31

Haven't read the whole thread but DON'T DO IT PLEASE! My mother ran up many thousands of pounds worth of credit debt - most of it actually in my dad's name. When dad died, dh actually offered to take out a loan on the remaining debts and I said no - it would be like giving an alcoholic whisky. It would never end.

In any case, my parents would never have asked me to take this on and actually wrote me out of their wills to protect me (I didn't know the full extent of the debt until they died). Your mother doesnot have your interests at heart - look after yourself and your family and don't lend her ANY money or take on any of her financial responsibilities. If I hear that you have - I shall be seriuosly cross!

If she has to sell the house so be it. That's what my mum did. And then ran up more debt.

doobry · 20/03/2009 20:08

Don't do it!!! Let her sell the house. It's just bricks and mortar, she can't sell your memories.

chegirl · 20/03/2009 20:09

If she was the sort of person who was capable of managing to repay this huge loan -she wouldnt need to take out a loan IYSWIM.

If you really cant face saying no I wont, tell her 'No they wont let me have the loan'. Tell her you are a bad credit risk and she might give up. If she thinks you are no use to her, she may move on.

I know its better to be honest and clear. But when people are this manipulative sometime that doesnt work.

I am sorry she is doing this to you. Its horrible.

Wigglesworth · 20/03/2009 20:30

OMG DON'T DO IT. He is taking the piss out of your Mum and she is a fool for allowing this to continue. She is also V V V U in even having the cheek to ask you to bail her out of the shit and then acting like it's no big deal.
Why are you so bothered that she would be funny with you? Do you rely on her for anything, do you feel indebted to her cos she has helped you out before? I just don't understand why you feel worried about her getting funny.
She sounds very manipulative and is emotionally blackmailing you, be strong and give her a firm no.
She cannot pay you back cos she doesn't have any of her own income, if her fella won't pay her back all the cash she has lent to him what the hell chance have you got of ever getting any money. I would say sorry Mum but tough shit.

sausagenmash · 20/03/2009 20:43

PLEASE DON'T DO IT!! Can you imagine, if you do, her husband will still want to continue with his lifestyle, they'll simply get another credit card, and before you know it, she'll be knocking on your door again. He WON'T PAY YOU BACK. He has no respect for his wife - why would he have any for you? It'll be a black mark against YOUR name. So what if you work 20 hours a week? She does none! And - an hour on the buses to work?! Jeez, welcome to the real world - I can't remember when I've had less than an hours commute on public transport! Sorry Lola, but she is being utterly, utterly selfish, irresponsible and downright insulting to you. Tell her no. Good luck x

2rebecca · 20/03/2009 23:09

Don't do it. She is your mum not your teenage daughter. She needs to learn how to budget, and isn't behaving like a caring mother by trying to drag you into her debt problems. If the bank won't give her and her husband a loan it's because they think they can't repay it and it sounds as though the bank are right.
If she has to sell/ remortgage the house to live within her means then that's what she must do. A house is just a house, no matter who lived there before. I presume we're not talking stately home that's been in the family for generations here, although even then alot of aristos are having to sell to keep out of debt.

lydiathetattooedlady · 21/03/2009 08:11

i just had to answer this when isaw it please DONT DO IT! my brother asked our dad to do this for him, he got him to take out a loan for 5 years for about £10,000. the payments were minimal something along the lines of £30 a week. my dad has never got a penny, cannot retire when he wanted to and is now in a lot of debt. my brotherws excuses, 'i've got child support to pay', 'my wages were wrong' etc. im disgusted in him. im sorry to say that just because she's your mum doesnt mean she'll pay it back, you'll get the same excuses, 'H wouldn't give me it from his wages', 'H wants to go see his family' sorry to sound harsh but please again DONT DO IT!

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 11:20

Thanks for all your replies, they are very much appreciated xxx

OP posts:

charitygirl · 21/03/2009 11:28

Please reassure us you're not going to do it. Quite apart from anything else, if you do, your relationship with your mother really WILL be over, cos you know she won't pay you back.

As others have said, getting loans is tough now - if you are hard up, its unlikely the bank will lend you £10K.

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 21/03/2009 13:02

Thanks all x
Charitygirl, i'm not going to do it. I have my own future to think of and I want to get places in life. Not stay around here with fears that my mothers debts always on my shoulders.

I earn about £120 per week after tax/NI with no overtime. No way I could ever afford the repayments if she buckled on me or something happened and he buggered off home leaving me with it.

OP posts:

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