or should my boyfriend marry me?

[peachyfox]

We're expecting our first child conceived through IVF using donor sperm for medical reasons. My DP is the legal father of the child. We've always mentioned marriage as being part of our future. Now I bring it up (in a highly hormonal manner admittedly) he says he doesn't want to get married although he is committed to me because it's just a bourgeois custom and we're just conforming to the norm.

I don't want to have a different name to the baby, and for obvious reasons I do want our baby to have my DPs surname.

Our relationship is happy.

Also we want to adopt more children and I think this would be easier if we were married.

Does anyone know the advantages of being married, for both partners?

Whichever sounds better. And I do think that your choice of names for your example has unconsciously illustrated why some people are so sniffy about hyphenated names!

I gave birth to those children. I'm damned if I'm going to give some bloke the credit, frankly, just on the basis of impregnation. They got my name, and as he wanted his they got his too.

(And yes, I do love, and live with, my children's father. And he'd quite like to get married. I have to keep finding excuses for putting it off.)

peachyfox- your story rings a bell. Did you post already on your DP not paying his way and that you paid for the IVF yourself?

If so then I really don't think you should marry your boyfriend. He obviously has real issues with anything he sees as a partnership and I think you should run a mile.

If it is not you, ignore the above.

Hi Peachyfox

just got back from the solicitor - we are not married and I put DP's name on birth certificate - this gives him parental rights - he would not have any if I had not put his name on there (something I was not prepared to do at the time, but think may live to haunt me)

I have no rights to any maintenance from DP AT ALL and my DD gets only 15% of his NETT income - not much to raise a child on.

I should have listened to my gut that his dragging of feet to get married was his way of protecting his assets in the event of a split and the fact that he really cant handle the realities of family life.

I am now left high and dry! Sorry to sound so negative, but if a man is not prepared to marry you but declares he loves you, you have to ask yourself why and listen to your gut and your head not your romantic ideals.

If in doubt, protect yourself, ensure you can provide for yourself and your child as the law will give you very little.

Children are a huge commitment and if both partners want that they should also do the right thing and ensure that the children are protected to the full extent that marriage provides.

one poster said that she would have too much pride to ask a man to marry her - i think that is completely wrong, you should value yourself very highly and if marriage is for you and what you truly want from this man you should indeed ask for it - that is taking pride in yourself.

Good luck and like other posters have said, look at other threads and google re the legal protection side.

forget the marriage thing at least for the moment surely you have enough on your plate at the minute. the baby will have your surname automatically then he'll be the one left out while your merrily tripping off baby in tow men just don't like needy tearful women and especially don't like being forced into a corner they tend to come out fighting... let it go for now im sure you'll catch him unawares if your come at him sideways ;-)

Hi everyone, thanks for all your posts!

I've been thinking a lot about this. My issue is that I believe we have the commitment, in fact, we have the 'marriage' but I feel that something is missing by not actually being married.

I'm wondering who's the doubter of the two of us? Him, for not wanting the formal ceremony to declare his love in front of friends and family etc. or me, for needing to validate what I know we already have?

If either of us dropped dead tomorrow I would think that we had said everything we needed to say to each other. Except 'yes I will'. That makes me a bit sad, but he is happy he has said everything to me that he feels.

The surname thing is easier. At the risk of upsetting some of you, and this is just for me, I want my baby to have its father's name. I have no problem with that tradition and no contrived solution really appeals.

Anyway, in the wake of our 'ding-dong' the other day, he has said we can get married after all but as predicted by many of you, my victory is not very sweet!

Don't feel bad for wanting to get married, will you? When I met my DH he was very much the unconventional type - had lived on boats, was an artist, etc etc - and I felt like a total middle-class square for wantring to get married & do it properly instead of shacking up on some houseboat, spitting out billions of kids and being barefoot all the time.

I almost let this change my mind, but I had my Mum's voice in my head so I couldn't! Now I feel proud of myself for sticking to my guns, as if we split I'd be so much better protected. My neighbour had a child with her live-in BF who vowed never to leave her, then he left her & she had to sell the house to pay back his share and she has no legal rights at all.

What are you going to do now? In a way, you might have to give up the romantic ideal of his begging you to marry him because he'll just die if he doesn't, and just be a bit boringly practical about the whole thing.

So many men hate marriage that I don't think it's a Bad Sign if he's unenthusiastic, especially since you already live together and have a baby on the way so he doesn't need to get married to have you around 24/7. But, because you have a baby on the way I think you should go ahead with the marriage idea, just to ensure you're protecting yourself legally.

If you're like me, you'll hate this because it's not the lovely romantic dream you always had, culled from films & books, etc. But it's still worth it.

If you don't want to "push" him into it, you could steel yourself to tell him, calmly, that you don't feel comfortable staying with him without the security of marriage, so if he can't or won't marry you, you can't stay in the relationship. Not in an ultimatum "It's marriage or nothing!" way. But in a, "I know you don't like the idea, but I need it to feel safe, so I can't carry on without it. It'll break my heart but I'll have to finish our relationship if we don't get married, because I simply won't ever feel truly secure without it." Then leave it for him to decide. It's fair enough, really, isn't it?

He sounds like he IS very committed already, to be honest, so it shouldn't be that big a jump for him to make. (Which is why he's already agreed - so many men wouldn't have done that.)

I hope this isn't lecture-y or anything. I feel for you, and I know exactly why you want him to want to marry you. I was just the same. It is important, so don't feel you have to compromise what you want in order to stay with him. You'd be better off married than unmarried, that's just the way it is. So fight for your rights!

The thing is, Beautiful our relationship has got so much stronger over the past few months, since we got pregnant. I sort of feel like we're 'there'. It's like getting to the summit of a mountain and not being allowed to stick your flag up if you see what I mean...

I can't honestly say to him i would consider leaving over it, because I wouldn't.

So, I'm going to do nothing and wait till the next time it comes up, as surely it will. He's not stupid so by now he knows it's what I want and the adoption issue will put a timeline on it.

Sorry to hear about your friend by the way, what a pig to make her buy him out of the house she's bringing up his baby in. I did some checking online and there's pretty much zero difference in parental responsibility whether you're married or not, but of course making them comply is another story...

A friend of mine having a beach wedding in Sri Lanka this week. That would be soo nice!

I really hope it works out!

Did you read Prosecco's post? Was that your DP?

My boyfriend of 5 years WON'T marry me either. We've got 2nd baby on the way and he is very committed. His Dad had a divorce when he was 8 and apparently his Mum only tried to make it work as they were married, but when he was 14 they divorced anyway after 6 not very happy years in between.
I don't want a big wedding, just a ceremony marking our relationship that is normal in most cultures, not just for bourgoise!! I want to be a wife, not a girlfriend and have a husband, not a boyfriend. I would like a ring showing I'm taken (to stop all the men throwing themselves at me, can be so annoying), I would like the same surname as our children, I would like him to stand in a room promising his love for me!
I'm hoping to wait til our eldest is 8 and if all is happy then, ask him. You don't have that luxury if you want to adopt, although I'd have thought these days they'd treat you "as married" if you've been living together x years with a baby.
Good luck!!!

Hi Beautiful I did post about money problems with DP but not at all because he wasn't paying his way, that was just the AIBU baying reaction. We worked it all out on paper in the end, and he was actually paying a bit more than me. It taught us that neither of us really realised what the other was forking out. I paid for the IVF because I wanted to do it and had no problem with that whatsoever as I was much richer than him at the time. DP had his heart set on adopting and wasn't initially wild about IVF/donor sperm because he worried we would turn into one of those couples that breaks their heart over it. So I just said I was doing it (at 41, you just have to act) and he said fine, I'll support you. He was amazing all through. I don't want any money back for that, and anyway he's going to support us all after the baby arrives.

Blarbie your words are exactly mine! Bloody buggers aren't they?