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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or should my boyfriend marry me?

87 replies

peachyfox · 17/03/2009 10:53

We're expecting our first child conceived through IVF using donor sperm for medical reasons. My DP is the legal father of the child. We've always mentioned marriage as being part of our future. Now I bring it up (in a highly hormonal manner admittedly) he says he doesn't want to get married although he is committed to me because it's just a bourgeois custom and we're just conforming to the norm.

I don't want to have a different name to the baby, and for obvious reasons I do want our baby to have my DPs surname.

Our relationship is happy.

Also we want to adopt more children and I think this would be easier if we were married.

Does anyone know the advantages of being married, for both partners?

OP posts:

2rebecca · 17/03/2009 23:38

I wouldn't plan to have children with someone I wasn't married to. I'm not religious but would want the commitment and legal framework of marriage before starting a family.
I think some women build weddings up into huge expensive things which puts blokes off, but you can just have a registry office wedding where you choose your own vows and go out for a meal with close family and friends at a nice restaurant.

Tinker · 17/03/2009 23:52

"We've always mentioned marriage as being part of our future."

What, exactly, does "mentioning" marriage involve? You saying you want it and him being non-commital?

Also curious about Sorrento's "be man and wife" comment. Why not "husband and wife"?

hedgiemum · 18/03/2009 00:25

Give it a few days, and discuss it again, as part of a wider disucssion encompassing the baby's surname, adoptions etc..
For many people the legal/practical reasons to marry outweigh the reasons why not to. Being male and mathematically minded he needs to discuss/discover those things in a rational way, not emotional, so you are totally right to wait until you can control your emotions a bit to discuss it again. My DH is very similar, and reacts to me getting emotional by closing down on the subject at hand.
Your relationship must be very strong for you to have got this point; I don't think he'll chicken out now, esp with all the things in its favour (esp all sharing a name and adoption) as long as you keep emphasising that there is no need for a big, scary ceremony. Hope you get that lovely sparkly rock sometime soon!

mrsblanc · 18/03/2009 00:27

He should NOT marry you. For one reason.

He does not want to.

Tortington · 18/03/2009 00:31

"bourgeois custom and we're just conforming to the norm"

how old is he...18...is che guavera his hero ...does he have the t-shirt and everything

ffs

there are very obvious financial reasons for marriage when children are involved - please search MN archives - or google.

the excuse is a shit one.

but i certainly wouldn't want to nag, force or cajole anyone into marrying me - my own PRIDE would stop me.

Original poster

peachyfox · 18/03/2009 10:02

hedgiemum thanks for your kind post.
I don't have any doubts about DP's commitment. Believe me, with my relationship history I made pretty sure when I met him that he wasn't a phobe. I'm not going to make a huge deal out of this now - as many of you have pointed out, a ring extracted at gunpoint kind of defeats its own object. Also, amid the furore he has promised to sort out a proper will and insurance.

Maybe I'll buy myself the ring I want?

OP posts:

DaphneMoon · 18/03/2009 10:17

Buy a ring and call it a committment ring. Change your name by deed poll. That way, your children and you can all have the same name, outsiders will think you are married, but your DP won't have the worry about being married or a wedding day. If it all goes wrong you have saved loads of money not having to get divorced! ....sorted

messymissy · 18/03/2009 10:41

mmmmmm...

Hope you are ok peachyfox. been there done that still haven;t got the ring....

in my everso humble opinion and prepared to get shouted at for it... i think in most men's minds marriage is a bigger commitment than having children. Whether we like it or not the children end up the responsibility of the mum, the dad can and often does walk away, if he is not married its a whole lot easier, less of a legal mess to clear up.

My DP promised me marriage, and I started looking a venues etc (he wanted huge wedding (to impress his friends) I wanted small) and we started trying for a baby at the same time on medical advice thinking that the wedding would have happened way before i got pregnant - the medical advice was wrong and i was pregnant very very quickly. DP got cold feet and wouldn't marry me despite knowing how upset I was to be unmarried when the baby was born (yes i know many will feel this is old fashioned - but hey, they are my feelings). I suggested a civil wedding before the baby was born with a party/ reception afterwards, but he wasn't having any of it. Does not want to risk HIS house.

It has caused friction between us and worries the hell out of me as he wont write a will either. I am left feeling emotionally rejected, and insecure financially, so I can understand how you feel peachyfox.

I hope he can see how important it is for you and comes round. try to talk to him rather than shout (obvious I know, sorry) get him in a quiet mood and explain how you feel. Good that he is sorting a will. wish my DP would !

Maria2007 · 18/03/2009 11:00

I'm sorry Custardo, but in your opinion is there any good excuse (actually, reason: why name it an excuse) to not want to get married? Or is it just immatury in your opinion?

Maria2007 · 18/03/2009 11:01

Oops. Meant immaturity of course.

BEAUTlFUL · 18/03/2009 13:05

"Buy a ring and call it a committment ring. Change your name by deed poll."

OMG... No, no. Don't do this. Don't take yourself off the market if your DP won't.

I'll be blunt... I think that men's main motivation to marry a woman is to take off her the market & prevent other men getting her. That's really all it is - they're "sealing the deal". Sometimes men marry for other reasons (the main one being that his GF really wants to, and he wants her to be happy so he goes along with it for her sake) but, left to his own devices, a man marries to secure the woman he wants.

BEAUTlFUL · 18/03/2009 13:09

I really think your urge to marry will settle down once you've had your lovely baby... And knowing men, that will make your DP suddenly propose!

mrsjammi · 18/03/2009 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

peachyfox · 18/03/2009 13:18

Beautiful like HELLO! My boyfriend is well and truly off the market. If I was posting on here about my boyfriend's inability to commit to me emotionally or god forbid physically, then peachyfox would be in a right pickle.

Also the bit about getting them off the market? that's pretty grim...I prefer to use my (male) friend's words, said with a sigh: 'thing is, women like weddings...'

Actually I wouldn't change my name by deed poll, and if I buy myself a ring I won't call it anything. I'll just wear it.

OP posts:

MollieO · 18/03/2009 13:21

The only comment I'd make is no child of mine will have his/her father's surname unless I do too. I have seen too many (unmarried) relationships break up with the dcs having their father's name which of course is different to their mother's name. It requires explaining all the time and is a constant reminder of the failed relationship. What is worse is when the father no longer wants to see the dcs either and yet they have his name.

smee · 18/03/2009 13:38

I think that depends on where you live MollieO and who you are. I have no objection to women who change their name, as each to their own is a fine by me, but personally there is absolutely no way on earth that I would take DH's name, married or not, as I am me and he is he. DS has DH's surname, with mine as a middle - we only really chose DH's as it sounds more interesting than mine, but it wasn't a big deal for either of us. + I've never had any confusion over having a different last name. Lots and lots of kids have mothers with different names to their kids too. It's really not a big deal in lots of places.

drlove8 · 18/03/2009 13:53

call the baby both names and forget about it.you dont really want to marry someone who isnt yet ready for it do you???? .presure him into it and he'll resent you, leave it be and there will come a day when he wants to do it , and then its a good start.......... might happen very quickly.

Original poster

peachyfox · 18/03/2009 17:57

mollieO wouldn't that situation be exactly the same if you were married? I imagine most people revert to their own name after a divorce.

OP posts:

ithinkimtallandblonde · 18/03/2009 18:55

Dear lord i'm a bit horrified but some peoples responses.
YAB very U.
Why would you want to marry some one who didn't want to marry. We had children by choice before we were married dh proposed when i was pregnant with no 1 and i said no. Having children was a huge commitment and i wanted to focus on that. I have always loved dh but just wasn't ready. When i was expecting dc2 dh proposed again in a very romantic way and i said yes straight away. For me marriage was all about the romance not the practicality. My wedding day(when ds1) was the best ever and i wouldn't change a thing.
I think you pressuring him far too much, do you think he's going to run off or something?Your pregnant emotional, its a terrible time to make him marry you, you'll always wonder if he really wanted to.
I have always had a different surname to both my mum and my children and it has never caused any probs so i don't really understand what you mean, thats just an excuse. If that was so important to you you would have sorted it out before you decided to have a baby.

seeker · 18/03/2009 21:16

I'm fascinated by this debate. I am also interested in the number of people who say "Oh we chose dp's surname for our children because mine was so uninteresting" It doesn't matter how interesting or not it is, it's your name. Why should your child have his father's name and not yours?

seeker · 18/03/2009 21:16

Or are men's names by definition more interesting?

SoupDragon · 18/03/2009 21:18

Equally, why should your child have your name and not their fathers?

seeker · 18/03/2009 21:21

They shouldn't. They should have both, It's a no brainer.

Original poster

peachyfox · 18/03/2009 21:43

But if they have both, where does it end? Won't we all end up with names like books?

My point is, I want us all to have the same name.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 18/03/2009 22:05

Ok, if it's a no-brainer that they should have both... which comes first? His or hers? Which is more important? Poncenby-Smythe? Smythe-Poncenby? Not so much of a no-brainer is it.

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