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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my kids' grandparents to stop buying them stuff?

56 replies

Blottedcopybook · 10/03/2009 21:54

For background info, my eldest DS is from my first marriage. I'm still very close to my ex in-laws and my other DCs call them Granny and Grampa. My parents are divored and remarried so with DH's parents my kids have four sets of grandparents AND three sets of great grandparents. This is before counting all their Aunts, Uncles, Godparents and friends.

I am so, so frustrated. I have the best hubby in the world when it comes to pulling his weight around the house and yet I feel like I am constantly constantly picking things up - be that discarded clothes, toys, bathtowels etc. I'm fairly sure DH feels the same. When we got together, we had both been living independantly for quite some time and it took a lot of work to amalgamate two households into one home - we've been together nearly 4.5 years and I honestly feel like we've never got unpacked and organised because the house is jam packed full of stuff, mostly belonging to the kids.

For the last two years I have asked all the grandparents not to buy the kids lots of toys at present-giving time. Not because I want to ruin Christmas, not because I'm a scrooge but because I want my children to value and respect the things that people spend their money on for them. Tonight, hubby and I removed seven binbags full of broken or damaged toys from our sons' bedroom and we've barely scratched the surface because the grandparents went over the score at Christmas again. Additionally, all four sets seem to think it's appropriate to buy EACH CHILD a new toy when they visit. If each of them only visit once a month, that's still a ridiculous amount of new stuff.

My issue here is twofold - my primary problem is that the mess and clutter is seriously causing me mental anguish and I feel like the last four years of my life have been a constant battle to clean up. I feel like I'm missing out on having fun with my kids because I have to spend all my time keeping on top of the mess. I'm exhausted and have zero energy or desire to do anything as a result. My secondary problem is that my kids are not learning respect for their possessions because if a toy gets broken or damaged, there's a mountain of other crap for them to play with. They literally don't care.

I've actually cried in front of DH's parents and my Dad because of this issue. I've also explicitly told my Mother that she needs to not spend £200 on each child at Christmas only for her to tell me I have no right to impinge on her rights as a Grandmother. What on earth else can I do?! Am I being unreasonable asking them to stop buying my kids so much crap?!

OP posts:
hmmSleep · 10/03/2009 22:06

YANBU

I know how you feel, but it is a tricky one, after all they're not doing anything mean, just enjoying giving.

How about opening bank accounts for the kids and suggesting grandparents donate deposits for their grandchildrens future, deposit for a first home, college fund etc? I realise it's not the same as watching them tearing open a gift but they might go for it?

Or would they be open to you suggesting gift ideas? Clothes for example, which you would need to buy them anyway, or other things that do need replacing such as paper, crayons etc?

I do hate having to constantly give piles of unwanted gifts to charity shops because of lack of space, seems such a waste!

deckchair · 10/03/2009 22:07

Could you ask relatives to donate money to their bank account instead of presents as you are wanting your children to learn about the value of money?
Sorry, don't know how old your children are.

Could you get your children involved in clearing away broken toys / games etc?

Original poster
Blottedcopybook · 10/03/2009 22:08

They all have CTFs and my Dad has been brilliant at giving them cheques for that purpose - he always buys them a book or something small so they have something to open, and that (to me) is perfect and so very thoughtful.

I've tried suggesting gifts but I rarely get listened to! It's just horrendous, I don't think they get how little mileage these purchases get and my inner environmentalist is screaming too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blottedcopybook · 10/03/2009 22:10

Sorry - DCs are almost 8, 3 and almost 2. I don't bother waiting for them to clear up now because the younger two tend to just make more mess and the eldest is going through a Kevin the teenager "Duuuhhh" phase just now!

OP posts:
deckchair · 10/03/2009 22:17

Maybe your younger two are too young to tidy up after themselves too much. My dd (3) has just got the idea about charity shops and giving things to other children who do not have much - maybe you could try this tactic?

Do you have anywhere to store things they do not play with? (if not, what about a friend with a garage / shed etc?)
Can you perhaps re-use any of the gifts as presents for other children?

Could your dad suggest his idea to the others?

deckchair · 10/03/2009 22:19

Alternatively, if you go to your relatives houses with the children - leave any "presents" there and they will soon realise how quickly they mount up!

Original poster
Blottedcopybook · 10/03/2009 22:23

Part of my problem here is that the storage in this house is abysmal, I have a loft admittedly but I think I'd rather just get rid of stuff than hide it. Problem is I then feel guilty about other people's hard-earned money!

My parents hate each other and to be honest that's where a large portion of my problem lies. Ever since they split up, these celebrations have become an excuse for them to try and outdo one another and I think that's why my Mum certainly spends as much as she does

OP posts:
rookiemater · 10/03/2009 22:25

Hi I empathise DH can rarely pass a toy buying opportunity by although he has been much better lately we have a huge amount of plastic tat toys lying around ripe for tripping over. I am not a naturally tidy person and I very quickly get overwhelmed by large amounts of toys that need shifted about all the time.

Get details about local second hand NCT or charity toy sales, encourage the children to select and price up toys they no longer use and let them keep the profits.

Don't worry if the relatives find out about this, you have already told them that the children have too much stuff so this is an environmentally friendly way to recycle it plus it encourages your childrens entrepeneurialism ( is this a real word ?)

Olifin · 10/03/2009 22:27

YANBU at all BCP, I find it bad enough here with 2 children and only 4 grandparents! I can totally understand your feeling depressed with the constant clearing up and I share your thoughts on children valuing their possessions.

I think, if I were you, I'd be really firm with them all and explain why they cannot ALL continue to buy so many gifts all the time. Tell them that the children don't value their stuff and treat it with disdain. If they are remotely logical and reasonable, they will see your point, surely.

I would ask instead for money for the children's accounts and politely explain that any toys will be given to a charity shop or hospital as you simply don't have the space for them. Alternatively, if they don't want to give money, they could give 'vouchers' for a treat such as a trip or day out somewhere.

Sounds like your Dad has got it right. As deckchair suggested, can he chat to the others?!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/03/2009 22:28

Is there any way that you can return some of the items, either for credit to buy things that you need for them or for cash? If you had store credit then you could use it to buy things for yourself depending on the shop and put the equivilent money into the children's savings, or put it aside ready to help with driving lessons or something??

I really sympathise - DH's whole family tend to buy DS heaps of tat which he doesn't need (he's 7 months old ) and I wish I could make them stop. None of them are well off and I would rather they kept their money!

rookiemater · 10/03/2009 22:29

Oh just read their ages, still go for the NCT sales idea but you bag the stuff up and get to keep the proceeds for the younger two

piscesmoon · 10/03/2009 22:33

Could you try and get them to build up a savings account instead? If not I would try to have them all at the givers house for when they go there-they might see the problem if they have it all!

moondog · 10/03/2009 22:34

Just collect it before even opened and give it away.This is what i do if people insist on excessive gift giving, which I too fing abhorrent.

moondog · 10/03/2009 22:34

Just collect it before even opened and give it away.This is what i do if people insist on excessive gift giving, which I too fing abhorrent.

ninedragons · 10/03/2009 23:06

Crikey, SEVEN bin bags? That is an awful lot.

Intercept the gifts as they're entering the house and put them on top of a wardrobe. Ideal for re-gifting when your DCs get invited to birthday parties.

You just have to be firm and consistent. Our flat is very small so everyone could see the problem that endless toys would create. DD tends to get VERY practical presents (a lockable security screen on the balcony door from my lovely dad, some shares from my godmother) and things like DVDs or those miniature sets of books from well-trained ILs.

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 23:08

YABU - just give in, they aint ever gonna stop . We had this with DD1 and now with DD2. Just have to be ruthless about recycling the toys on to the charity shop after a time. It drives me nuts too, so really YANBU

womblingfree · 11/03/2009 01:13

I have a similar thing with my parents (well, mum) unfortunately.

Everytime we go round there or they come to us (at least once a week) there is something new for DD. I have asked her to curb it a bit, but her justification is that it's only a little something, and more often than not it's a charity shop/ebay bargain.

She just doesn't get that the cost is not the point - it's the fact the DD now expects to get something every single time she sees them and it pisses me off something chronic, but TBH I've given up trying to get her to see sense.

She feels that as they are 10 yrs older than my in-laws and not in brilliant health (OK on a day-to-day basis, but various bits 'dropping off' as they do when you're 70-odd), they will have less time to enjoy/spoil DD so they are making the most of doing it now.

There's really not much I can say to that...

Sorry not much help, but you have my sympathy.

Qally · 11/03/2009 01:43

Honestly, I'd just tell the kids everything outside b'day and Xmas is going to be donated to the local children's ward/hospital. If your mother says you are infringing on her grandmotherly rights, you can say you're teaching your kids about charity and making choices, and her saddling you with huge amounts of housework/spoiling your kids is infringing on your parental rights.

I'm really sorry, and YANBU at all. MIL drives me nuts on many fronts, but is fantastic about values and materialism and the relationship of the above to small kids, as is my mother. What you're dealing with would upset me, too.

thirtypence · 11/03/2009 06:51

One toy in and one toy out - be that the bin if broken, to charity, on ebay or for never been opened presents recycled as presents for parties.

Ds gets ridiculous amounts, but as my parents often buy 8+ things for a boy who is only just 6 they go in the top of his wardrobe for when he is actually 8.

I run a one in, one out system for books too.

Original poster
Blottedcopybook · 11/03/2009 08:04

Thank you all so much for the hints, tips and support. I'm so relieved that other people can see my perspective because honestly I was starting to think it was just me!

There's been a lot of ideas here that I'm going to put into practice, especially the one in and one out rule (books are probably the only thing I don't mind there being loads of because my DCs are all different ages and pass books down) but I'm simply not willing to let things get to this stage again.

OP posts:
Gorionine · 11/03/2009 08:08

Yabu, I wish I had the same "problem".

mylifemykids · 11/03/2009 08:18

Trying to clear up when you have children is like shovelling snow when it's still snowing...I love that saying and it is SO true.

Just buy some of those giant toy bucket things (or get the grandparents to buy them!) and get the kids to choose one bucket to play with a day. And, I completely disagree with whoever said a 2 and 3 year old are too young to tidy their own toys away! My 2 do tidy as best they can after a hard day playing, anything that's left just gets thrown in one of their toy bins once they've gone to bed.

There are plenty of people who have no parents/grandparents still around to 'spoil' the children in the family.

I can understand your frustration when you've told them not to buy things but it looks like you're not going to change their minds!

jasper · 11/03/2009 09:04

You are in no way unreasonable.

I completley sympathise.
I cannot stand the fact that my kids get given so much stuff. There is absolutley no way they are able to appreciate things when they have so much.

My boy was 7 last week and wanted to go to McDonalds for his birthday tea.The toy in the Kids' meal was a wee book about endangered animals, with stickers and a compass that actually worked. The kids liked it and played with it during the meal but they all would have left it in the car had I not reminded them to bring it in.

As a child I would probably have played with that for days , and kept it in a safe place for YEARS!

HSMM · 11/03/2009 09:19

If they're spending that much - how about Premium Bonds - Grandparents love Premium Bonds

SnowlightMcKenzie · 11/03/2009 09:21

Tell you children when they open said presents, in front of the offenders:

'How lovely, now you'll have something else to keep at THEIR house when we next visit.'