to want my kids' grandparents to stop buying them stuff?

[Blottedcopybook]

For background info, my eldest DS is from my first marriage. I'm still very close to my ex in-laws and my other DCs call them Granny and Grampa. My parents are divored and remarried so with DH's parents my kids have four sets of grandparents AND three sets of great grandparents. This is before counting all their Aunts, Uncles, Godparents and friends.

I am so, so frustrated. I have the best hubby in the world when it comes to pulling his weight around the house and yet I feel like I am constantly constantly picking things up - be that discarded clothes, toys, bathtowels etc. I'm fairly sure DH feels the same. When we got together, we had both been living independantly for quite some time and it took a lot of work to amalgamate two households into one home - we've been together nearly 4.5 years and I honestly feel like we've never got unpacked and organised because the house is jam packed full of stuff, mostly belonging to the kids.

For the last two years I have asked all the grandparents not to buy the kids lots of toys at present-giving time. Not because I want to ruin Christmas, not because I'm a scrooge but because I want my children to value and respect the things that people spend their money on for them. Tonight, hubby and I removed seven binbags full of broken or damaged toys from our sons' bedroom and we've barely scratched the surface because the grandparents went over the score at Christmas again. Additionally, all four sets seem to think it's appropriate to buy EACH CHILD a new toy when they visit. If each of them only visit once a month, that's still a ridiculous amount of new stuff.

My issue here is twofold - my primary problem is that the mess and clutter is seriously causing me mental anguish and I feel like the last four years of my life have been a constant battle to clean up. I feel like I'm missing out on having fun with my kids because I have to spend all my time keeping on top of the mess. I'm exhausted and have zero energy or desire to do anything as a result. My secondary problem is that my kids are not learning respect for their possessions because if a toy gets broken or damaged, there's a mountain of other crap for them to play with. They literally don't care.

I've actually cried in front of DH's parents and my Dad because of this issue. I've also explicitly told my Mother that she needs to not spend £200 on each child at Christmas only for her to tell me I have no right to impinge on her rights as a Grandmother. What on earth else can I do?! Am I being unreasonable asking them to stop buying my kids so much crap?!

I think HSMM is the one with the sensible answer. Guide the grandparents towards something that creates less mess but do not tell them their gifts are not welcome. It is their way of showing kindness and love to their grandchildren.

Snowlight, the offenders? that is so ungrateful!

YANBU.

Can you show them what your DCs' bedrooms are like, that literally there is no room to move?

I was going to suggest maybe they are actually competing against each other, and from your later posts it does seem that way.

I had a friend whose little girl was spoilt rotten but at every birthday and Christmas she would have to go through all her toys and give away some to a children's charity. Maybe you could start doing something similar.

(like the one in, one out system already suggested ).

All the best,

am sorry but I think you are being a tad ungrateful even if I completely understand why

I appreciate everything you're saying about the mess etc but you have what sounds like a lovely extended family who want to spoil their grandkids

if you don't want them to have it all keep some back and either return it for credit/ use it as birthday presents for their friends or sell it on ebay

asking for money/bonds/savings is an option too but I think there are worse things in life for grandparents to be getting up to tbh

if its all getting too much then give them a list, tell them to buy the kids ONE thing off the list and make it up with money for their accounts - use the whole college fund/flat deposit line - grandparents happily go for that

I think asking for money instead is a bit wrong tbh.

okay 'offenders' isn't the best word but needed a quick way of listing all the people the OP is complaining about.

My Grandma use to buy us lots and lots of sweets, so my Mum asked her if she would like to be the one that took us screaming in pain to the dentist. She drastically reduced the amount she gave.

Just carry on complaining about it then!

x-posted, sorry!

I think there are ways and means of going about it though Starlight

she could say something along the lines of

'we appreciate all the lovely thoughtful gifts you get the kids but its all getting a bit too much and we're trying to teach them about the value of money. Would you please just buy them one thing and if you don't think thats enough how about giving them cash so they can learn about putting it in their banks to save up (piggy or real)'

we did this with my dad and as an ex bank manager it really appealed to him he gives DD1 her pockets money which is £1 a week but he doesn't see her for ages at a time so she can get about £10 in one go - she then gets to keep a pound to spend and puts the rest in her wellyboot bank to save up - at the moment she's saving for a DS as she wants one but I've told her its too expensive

I think your suggestion is very thoughtful, dizzydixies. I think a little kindness goes a long way. If I was a granparent, sarcastic comments would just put me off caring alltogether and I would start using my money to spoil myself instead!

gorionine, I just think that grandparents, of all kinds, are such a wonderful thing to have in your kids lives and unless they're completel loons or over stepping hugely there are ways and means of dealing with niggles

you can attract more flies with honey iyswim and letting them think that cutting back is going to benefit the wee ones later on may just be the carrot they need

a more underhanded tactic is to say to one of them 'oh so and so isn't buying loads of presents this year as they want to start a fund towards wee Blotted's education'

then sit back and watch that fund grow

Ah, see what you mean dizzy!

You're right about GPs though. Perhaps that is where my niggle about money comes from. One set hardly ever visits or invites but throws money at them.

I wish they'd spend their money on petrol and visit their DGC.

Starlight we're exactly the same, PIL come over about once a year and bring loads clothes/books/cuddly toys etc and I'd rather they kept it all and visited more

I don't want the wee ones expecting armfulls of stuff every visit but then what can I say when its twice a year at most

FIL also stuffs £20 notes in their hands, DD1 is only 5 and DD2 is only 2 so they've no interest in anything that isn't pennies - I just stick it in their bankies after I swapped it for 2 x 50p - then they think they're really rich bless then

My children each have a toy box in their rooms and that is where toys are kept. When there are too many toys to fit in the box, the additional ones go to the charity shop. Whilst not quite "one in one out", it is pretty close. I also never keep broken toys (although I do fix where possible).

Grandparents are limited to one present at christmas and birthdays.

dizzydixies Actually I really resent you saying that I'm being ungrateful. I am HUGELY grateful that our family choose to buy our children nice things and what I want to prevent (and what is already unfortunately happening) is both expectation from the children that when Gran/Grampa/Nana/Papa visit that means they get something - they are becoming very materialistic rather than enjoying the visits because they're getting to interact with their loved ones. I also want to avoid the disposable culture that they are unfortunately party to where they think they don't have to care for their belongings because they'll be replaced quickly enough.

Gorionine I appreciate that you wish you had "my problem" and I would assure you that I have never, ever told them their gifts aren't welcome but when ONE set of grandparents has bought so much that it can't be transported home in the boot of a people carrier with the back seats down then can't you understand why that might be bothersome?

mm22bys All the grandparents are aware of the state of the house from being downstairs, I actually wouldn't take anyone upstairs to see how we're living because I honestly believe someone would call social services. Before last night I couldn't step into my sons' bedroom because of the sheer quantity of stuff. Even now after all our attempts last night there is one full wall stacked floor to ceiling with boxes and bags that I haven't yet gone through. It's utterly unbelievable.

I have a good enough relationship with two out of the four sets to ask them to give money instead of gifts and I have done - the only set who listened were my Dad & StepMum, I don't think it would be appropriate with my ex's parents and my PIL just don't listen anyway.

if you don't like differing opinions then may I suggest you don't post in the AIBU thread . I did not attack you in any way, I gave useful helpful suggestions learnt through being in a similar position AND I even sympathised.

shall no longer bother. teach your kids to to help clean up. Get a cleaner. Ask your DH to be more forceful with his parents rather than tackling the issue all on your own. Don't bother to unwrap presents and take them straight to the charity - does that help more?

good luck with whatever you choose to do but frankly by your last post you're dismissing everyone's advice anyway so am not sure what you're hoping for

I'm not suggesting for a second that you didn't help - I very much appreciated your other suggestions but was quite hurt that you suggested I was ungrateful when I've made it very clear that's so far from the truth.

I also don't think I've been dismissive of everyone's advice, I've merely tried to answer the advice that I have either tried or don't feel comfortable trying to invite more responses. Please don't think that I'm only posting to justify myself because I promise that's not the case. As I'm sure you feel too, this is such an emotive and awkward situation and the very last thing I want to do is offend any of our family members but I also want to protect my sanity!

I would love to hire a cleaner but I have two "excuses" I suppose - the one I trot out is that since I have just gone on maternity leave we've lost half my income a month and I couldn't justify the expense. Closer to the truth is that I constantly live off my nerves in case someone randomly pops by our house and sees the place in the state it's usually in, I can't imagine anything more stressful or upsetting than having a complete stranger come into my house and see what a hovel it is.

Blottedcopybook, I do admit that I am on behalf of my children who only get present from Dh and myself and my parents who live abroad. Dh hasn't got his parents anymore and even though DCs have 12 uncles and aunties between me and their dad (all abroad as well) none of them bothers with their birthday or other celebrations. the only think I could see was that yours and your dh 's family take enough interest in their children to actually want to please them with gifts. It is an oversight on my part to not have actually really understood how OTT the situation had become in your case and how distressful it was for you, I am sorry for that, really.

Gorionine Thank you, and I apologise if this post has made you feel sad. It's weird how the grass is always greener though isn't it? I said to DH last night that I think we'd all be happier if I could throw everything out and start again but it really upsets me how much money all this stuff represents and what we could have done for the kids with that.

I hope things get better for your DCs hugs

Oh it did not make me sad, just jalous ! The thing in our case is not that uncles and aunties do not care or love them, it is more of a case that they do not think too much about Dcs when they don't actually see them, but when we manage to have a family gathering (not often as both our families are scattered all over the world) they are full of nice attentions to them. You are right though, the grass is always greener...

Could you have a big car boot sale? this way you would get rid of the surplus without loosing too much on the value that you could put in the bank for dcs.

I've always held off the idea of having a car boot sale because I wasn't sure that anyone would buy the kids' stuff, but it's certainly becoming more appealing. Hubby suggested that I make a load of cakes to sell so at least we'd make the entry fee back (and I would have sustenance for the day!) so I may very well do that. When I was working on the boys' room last night I kept a box of stuff they don't play with but is still in good condition so I might just keep working on that!

If nothing else it'll get me out of the house for a few hours!

YANBU. Same here, small house, no storage and too many toys! My ex p's family are the same. I return stuff if I know what shop it came from (and get something the DC's really do need), or E-Bay, NCT sale the rest.

Thank goodness my family ask before they buy gifts .

I agree with the advice to ask for money instead - with a small toy/book to "open on the day".

In terms of the clutter of unused toys, you're just going to have to have a massive tidying/clearup session. Anything which can't be found storage space must go (charity shop, car boot or bin). And in the future, an old toy must be ditched in order to make room for a new one. Let all the grandparents know of this new scheme, and hopefully they'll realised the stupidity of constantly buying new toys.

My two get bought a lot because we have a large generous family, however they still know the importance of looking after and respecting their things and also recognising they are very lucky don't think just ecause they have a lot they can get away with breaking things.

I have started asking family to club tgether to buy one big toy rather than lots of little bits and bobs,

I make sure I don't buy them lots of stuff,

I am positively stingy compared to other parents just to counteract the family gift mountain,
it's easier to regularly throw stuff out/give away rather than doing a mammoth job once in a blue moon,

Finally suggest that some of the toys stay at relatives houses for when the children stay there. This worked well with my pil and now my dc only have to take pj's and toothbrushes when they stay over.